@theartofmadeline
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@everythingscons
1 month felt so long, yet all of a sudden it is the day that we are going to pick up Tigger. I can’t explain how excited I am about the life thats about to come with new responsibilities. It is the first time i am letting myself to commit to such a big responsibility i feel like. All i want is the best for Tigger and for Toby.
March 21st is Tigger’s birthday, and exactly 2 months later, he arrives at my house on May 21st.
I think i have a very bad habit of talking about only the bad things in my life instead of the good things, which is troublesome because i want to be a more positive person. But the good things never tend to stay in my head compared to bad things.
Awk. So idk where the miscommunication happened, but apparently Jess thinks that Tigger (our new kitten) is hers as well....when the adoption fee is paid by me and my mom and i will be paying for everything else for the kitten as well as taking care of him full time.. so that was kind of shocking. I mean she did offer to pay for the future first vet fee or something, and refused to split a small portion of the adoption fee, so i dont really get why she thought shes the owner too when i have the financial and physical responsibilities?
Oh my god. I got a kitten!!!! He is a doll-face persian and honestly this is going to be the toughest 30 days to wait ever. I think i am going to be a great cat mom. Im going to have two lovely fur babies 💕
Good for 5 days, and then thinking about how we should break up again. This is so not a healthy relationship.
Me and jess’ anniversary is coming up and im quite excited despite the bad times we went through so often. During this self isolation period i feel like im saving so much money so recently ive just been spending even more.... i have a great gift for jess but im not sure if she’d appreciate it as much as i hope she would... i bought me and my mom fitbit charge 4 too!! And got two shirts for jess LOL i need to be stopped.
Its crazy how people’s feelings change so often. I brought up how i think we should just be friends last time. After talking and explaining we just somehow made up and didnt end up breaking up. She wasnt upset and I wasnt upset. We kinda just talked things out and honestly i do wish we can work out. I see a bit of hope now, and its good to know that she at least tried to talk me out of the negative thoughts that i was having about us.
I think it might be time for us to move on. Slowly our relationship just kind of becomes more of a friendship and i do not feel the love at all at times. I think it is a sign when i am constantly thinking whether or not we should continue staying together or break up. I love you still obviously but i feel like we are both with each other because of convenience and because nobody is making that first move to break up. You used to care about who i talk to, and you used to be protective and needy, but i dont feel any of that anymore yet you say you still want to be together. I feel like there is just too much missing in this relationship that despite we love each other we are not going to be happy. I constantly envy other people’s relationship because of i know i cannot do the same things if im with you. You are into being alone and doing things alone and in your own way, while i like to do things together. Among with other things, we are just going to sacrifice too much to compromise to how each other want things and eventually i really dont see us being happy. We are already not happy right now so i dont know how we are going to be happy in the future. I dont really want to settle for just good enough. I want to settle for the one that is meant for me and not have to change that person as much as we do. I want to be with someone who isnt so tired from work everyday and wont even want to see me or talk to me, because to me, i am tired too but seeing who i love should brighten my day up more instead of making my day more exhausting.
I just dont feel the love and care sometimes. Its like I told her how sad and unmotivated i feel recently, she aint even trying to do anything about it to make me feel happy again. I was happy that she came and suggested getting dessert tonight, but she didnt even try to stick to that plan. She knows how much i wanted to go and how much i wanted to go out. We took a nap, i woke up after an hr, and she just kept sleeping. When i try to wake her up she just pushes me away and being annoyed at me. What i am most upset about is I know she could hear me and is conscious when i try to wake her up gently, but she just chooses to keep sleeping and push me away. Honestly it is just annoying.
Sometimes when im watching youtube i feel like i get too emotionally attached to the youtubers and it just makes my life feel weird. These days i found Abbie and Julia Ensigns and oh my goodness they are srsly couple goals, like my couple goals. I really really wish i can have a future like theres. Im literally Abbie’s age and i just feel so much distance to what she currently have and it really make me question am i making the correct choices rn. I think ill have trouble sleeping tonight because my heart is fangirling too much.
#mar2020
I used to be very happy with the friend group i suddenly had. I for once felt like I belong in a group. As time went on though, i feel like I am slowly and slowly becoming the “outsider” in the group. I find myself trying hard to make sure they all still like me. All of the others just are better friends with the others and i felt alone when although im not really alone. I feel like i just cant relate to a lot of things, and overall just boring. Whatever i say just doesnt seem to interest them as much and nobody seems to care as much about me as they do to others. I just feel kind of shitty about myself right now.
Maybe its about appearance? Maybe its about humour? Maybe i just say too much dumb shit? Like should i stop being myself? I really dont know why people cant just like me without me trying to make them like me.
I think i tried really hard to be happy and excited for her bday. I showed a lot of love and feelings and wanted to make today as good as possible, but she just was not reciprocating any of that feelings back despite its her bday. I feel really beat down and since she doesnt even want to spend the morning with me i really dont even feel like spending the rest of the day with her.
I really want friends whom i can be as direct as i want and speak my thoughts without being judged and disliked. I know sometimes they just want ppl to take their side all the time but i just cant do it and pretend like my friends are all right.
Attending weddings really just makes me think about if i ever get married..who is going to be my maid of honor? Who can give a speech like that in my life on my wedding? Who will be so happy for me that she cries? It makes me sad that i cannot immediately think of one person, but only has maybe as an answer. “Maybe this person will be willing to give a speech for me”
Sometimes i wonder, do you guys not talk about me because she doesnt like me? Or is she just not interested about me (us)? Or am i just thinking too much and she actually likes me a lot as a person? I feel like i didnt end up giving her a good impression of myself.
Everytime i bring up something about you that makes me upset, you somehow can always turn it around and say you are the one upset now. It is something i dislike about you. You make me fear hurting your feelings whenever i want to discuss about a problem, because you always turn it around into about you.
Same thing happened today. I did not want to say anything anymore, im tired of fighting. I squeezed you tight and felt tears forming in my eyes when i buried my face onto your back. I didnt make any noise, i didnt make any sudden movements, but you knew somehow, and you turned around, wiped the tears from my face, and just held me without saying anything.
Honestly, I really appreciated the silence. I appreciated your shoulder. I appreciated the fact that comforting me is always your first priority. I thought that was one of the sweetest things you’ve done and it really reminds me why i can love you so much.
Third wheeling is pretty tiring.. sometimes i wonder if im too quiet honestly 🤔