The Return
There’s been so many times I’ve wanted to make a post on here & I didn’t. I just visualized that I’d done it & it kept getting me by each time. This time however, I cannot get by with just imagining me writing. I need to type this out so I know it’s real.
Saturday I got a nose bleed. Needless to say (not really) this was the most I’ve bleed in one time in a really long time. I know well enough that to help get rid of a nose bleed faster, is to hold your head back. But I tilted my head forward & leaned down so that the blood would keep coming. It excited me to see how I couldn’t stop the blood & I found myself wishing that there’d be pain behind it. But there wasn’t, just a normal nose bleed. I fed off of it though, I couldn’t stop looking at the blood filled napkins I’d used to wipe the blood away. It made me feel like I was back in high school. i haven’t cut myself well since those years. And oh boy seeing that blood made me want more. I’d just like a razor on standby. But I have no idea where I would cut because there’a absolutely no way I could get away with cuts on my arm in this house.
Moving on.
I think more & more everyday about how I’m not missing out on much. I’d like to die. And I’ve considered every possibility. I’m over it. I don’t need to see or do anything else in life. That is not saying that I’ve accomplished all that I’ve wanted to. I’ve accomplished nothing. I wish there were a way to I’ve my life to someone dying & wanted to live. I’d gladly give them my life in exchange for theirs. I’m wasting a perfectly good life. I mean who knows how long I actually have left on this earth, but if it were 60+ more years, then I’d trade it to them.
I’m just discovering why people become addicts. This is serious, I’m not making a joke of it. I truly get it now. I’ve been smoking a little here & there these past few months & just recently I realized that I absolutely need to be high all the time. If I’m not, then the thoughts come back. The depression swoops over me. I ran out of oil in my pen & randomly thought to buy alcohol. I drank & got drunk & it was a great substitute for when I can’t get high. And now I am have finally arrived to the point where I can’t stand to be sober anymore. I have to be under the influence some kind of way. Problem is, I am in no position to always be under the influence.
This is a major set back because my thoughts are killing me something fierce like back in high school. Sober me cannot take my inner thoughts. And I’ve stopped talking to Eric as of a few days ago so there is no one to talk to. Each passing moment it feels as I’m going to spontaneously begin crying. I kid anyone not, I want to cry each minute I spend awake. If I cannot be under the influence then I want to be asleep. But I also can’t do that as much as I’d like either.
I’m trying really hard to isolate myself. It feels like one day very soon I am going to relapse. And I haven’t relapsed in over 4 years, this relapse will be a big one & I know it.
