allweknowisfalling

This might be too much for you.

[nothingexceptwords]

The Return

There’s been so many times I’ve wanted to make a post on here & I didn’t. I just visualized that I’d done it & it kept getting me by each time. This time however, I cannot get by with just imagining me writing. I need to type this out so I know it’s real.

Saturday I got a nose bleed. Needless to say (not really) this was the most I’ve bleed in one time in a really long time. I know well enough that to help get rid of a nose bleed faster, is to hold your head back. But I tilted my head forward & leaned down so that the blood would keep coming. It excited me to see how I couldn’t stop the blood & I found myself wishing that there’d be pain behind it. But there wasn’t, just a normal nose bleed. I fed off of it though, I couldn’t stop looking at the blood filled napkins I’d used to wipe the blood away. It made me feel like I was back in high school. i haven’t cut myself well since those years. And oh boy seeing that blood made me want more. I’d just like a razor on standby. But I have no idea where I would cut because there’a absolutely no way I could get away with cuts on my arm in this house.

Moving on.

I think more & more everyday about how I’m not missing out on much. I’d like to die. And I’ve considered every possibility. I’m over it. I don’t need to see or do anything else in life. That is not saying that I’ve accomplished all that I’ve wanted to. I’ve accomplished nothing. I wish there were a way to I’ve my life to someone dying & wanted to live. I’d gladly give them my life in exchange for theirs. I’m wasting a perfectly good life. I mean who knows how long I actually have left on this earth, but if it were 60+ more years, then I’d trade it to them.

I’m just discovering why people become addicts. This is serious, I’m not making a joke of it. I truly get it now. I’ve been smoking a little here & there these past few months & just recently I realized that I absolutely need to be high all the time. If I’m not, then the thoughts come back. The depression swoops over me. I ran out of oil in my pen & randomly thought to buy alcohol. I drank & got drunk & it was a great substitute for when I can’t get high. And now I am have finally arrived to the point where I can’t stand to be sober anymore. I have to be under the influence some kind of way. Problem is, I am in no position to always be under the influence.

This is a major set back because my thoughts are killing me something fierce like back in high school. Sober me cannot take my inner thoughts. And I’ve stopped talking to Eric as of a few days ago so there is no one to talk to. Each passing moment it feels as I’m going to spontaneously begin crying. I kid anyone not, I want to cry each minute I spend awake. If I cannot be under the influence then I want to be asleep. But I also can’t do that as much as I’d like either.

I’m trying really hard to isolate myself. It feels like one day very soon I am going to relapse. And I haven’t relapsed in over 4 years, this relapse will be a big one & I know it.

[nothingexceptwords]

Hello.

I’m back, and I really think I’m ready to relapse after 2 years.

[petitionthesky-blog-blog]

do not hesitate to satisfy the child roaring within you; it is our laughter which keeps us young.

"reminisce and revisit" by typical treatment. (24 july 2014)

[petitionthesky-blog-blog]

if you have the courage to make it through a lonely night with nothing but your self destructive thoughts to keep you company, darling, you have the courage to make it through anything.

"silent nights" by typical treatment. (4 july 2014)

thank you to everyone who has shown such love to this poem! one of my most successful yet, approaching 5000 notes!

(via typicaltreatment)

[nothingexceptwords]

Right now I Switzerland.

I don't want anything but to focus on losing weight, getting another job, spending time with my family, and bloggging.

All of that other extra shit can step the fuck back. If it happens to come into my life, then I don't care, but I'm not going to pursue anything anymore unless it's one of those things I just stated.

Because I am finally accepted myself and who I want to be and I am fanfuckingtastic. I am beautiful, my body is beautiful, my face is beautiful, I am beautiful.

It's perfectly fine to think I am beautiful right now, but I also want to be healthy; hence the official and most serious start of my journey to losing weight.

Yay fucking me.

Oh yeah, I DON'T HAVE A FILTER ANYMORE.

I AM GOING TO SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO SAY.

Not to sound like a douche, but I honestly think it just got that much harder to truly get close to me.

Anywho, I feel great and fuck if I will pee on all things you eat if you have a problem with it.

Kthanksbyedarling

[nothingexceptwords]

(Thought I'd post this here since I'm deleting it off my other blog.)

I’m going to say a lot of stupid shit and most of it is probably not going to make sense. I figured I’d write this because I know you read what I wrote. And I apologize in advance if I produce a novel out of this.

……………………………..

I can’t take back the words I said. For one, you have already read them; and two, I meant what I said at the time. You probably don’t want to hear an explanation from me, but I feel as if I have to give one. You don’t owe me anything. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. So hell yeah I had no right to get angry over anything.

I can only hope that you weren’t offended by anything that I said. Although I’m scared shitless that you’re angry with me, I hope that you are because I deserve it. You’ve explained to me a couple of times that you’re a lot to handle. And in return, I have reassured you that I don’t care. That still stands as true. Because I am also very fucking difficult. It may even be debatable as to who is the more difficult one between us; but we’ll save that for another day.

I do have to explain why I felt how I felt in the first place. That is because I fall for a lot of people. And that is because I fall for anyone who gives me the proper time of day. Although admittedly, before we even started texting, I was head over heels in like. Only once in a blue moon do I ever find the courage to confess that I like someone to the person that I like. And right before I came across your Tumblr, I told myself that I would give liking people a rest because my recent past relationship was a doozy. But then I found your Tumblr, and all of that went out the window. I just knew that no matter what I was going to kick my own ass if I didn’t tell you that I liked you. And I remembered what I said to myself and said fuck it, I was doing it anyway, for you.

So you see, I hope with everything I have in me, that you aren’t mad or sad with yourself, or worried that I’m hurt. Because you deserve to be happy and there is nothing more I would love to see than you be happy babe. And I came and took that happiness away from you when I wrote what I did. That was unfair and selfish and none of my business who you are interested in or not interested in. It’s none of my business who you take out or whatever you so desire. I was out of line and ruined your great news.

I won’t lie or shade parts of the truth, I have super major fucking feelings for you. I am in love with you.

But you know what?

They don’t matter.

Because I am your friend first and I will only be your friend until the day comes when you don’t even need my friendship anymore. And when/if that day comes… I will still love you as much as I do now.

I know you are sad for other reasons, but don’t ever let my super fucking lame, depressed ass ever make you feel down darling. I know we haven’t been talking long, but that is irrelevant. I will be here, always. I’ll spend all my money on cigarettes and drop them off to you. I will do anything to keep you relapse free and alive hun.

I feel really dumb for writing this and I honestly don’t fucking know what I aim to accomplish.

Just… you mean that much to me as a person love. I was immature, and selfish. I want to remain friends and maybe… start over?

Do we get do-overs? Hmm…

[nothingexceptwords]

The time is coming. I am nineteen years old and living with my parents is becoming more and more of an issue. I just have a feeling that at night, they lie in their bed and plot what to do about me. I have a bad feeling that me deciding to quit school is going to lead to them wanting to kick me out the house. Well honestly, bring it on. They support absolutely nothing that I'm doing right now, I'm guessing they told my sister so that she could try to talk some sense into me, I don't know. My mom told me that I don't have the drive to do anything. I am basically on my own with my decisions now. Which I can't say I'm surprised either. They have thought a lot about me, a lot being bad things. It is definitely possible that I am screwing myself over, but let me screw myself over and see that I have screwed myself over, gosh.

I do need to sit and think about where I'm going to move when I move out. I have some hard decisions to make and they need to be made asap so that I can have a solid plan and not a fuzzy one. Either I am going to save up to move into an apartment, then save up to move to California; or I'm going to save up to move to California. I just know that I will be saving up to move out.

I've grown up.

It's time for me to grow up more.

[nothingexceptwords]

Just A Casual(ty) Thought

Again I'm awake, with the same questions picking at the remains of my sanity. A vulture, and I'm roadkill. It seems simple, the question I dare not ask. A reporter, and I watch my big break slip through the tips of my fingers. It's black, but my eyes adjust to the nothingness. One shot is all I need. A gun, and I appear the shiny, sleek bullet. Tears sting my eyes as I force strength to swoop over and upon myself. Finding it almost unfair that I'm doing all of the work solo. Instructed to rearrange the letters in team to find me. I know who I am. Could you explain to me who you are? Memories flood my dome. A tsunami victim, please excuse the casualty. This cold bed and warm cover is all I know. With these thoughts I am forever unchanging, frozen in place, not moving forward. An immortal child, punishable by death. Please excuse the casualty. I've accepted myself as well as my flaws too. The only thing that keeps me up at night, the only thing I constantly question... is why haven't you?

-Vibepoetically

[nothingexceptwords]

This What You Wanted Right? ~

When something is on my mind so steadily I physically freak out when I think that much harder about it. Disgust. I could scratch my skin entirely off at the thought of what I did. I could flick open a grenade and cradle it my arms at the thought of what went down. Shaking my head because I’m not a little girl anymore. Those demons of memories torment me now with no remorse. They say, “You can’t take it back. You want me gone but I’m here to stay.” I yell back at them, “You evil bastard pack up your shit and while you’re at it, take along with you that damn day!” But I wanted it. But I invited him. But it was my idea. But I made my bed. And now I’m refusing to lie in it. Get this. This feeling is like I have committed a crime. I am trying so hard, so hard to turn back the hands of time. But I can’t. I won’t. Cause I want it again. I want more of it. I want his lips pressed up against mine. I want his masculine hands grabbing handfuls of my ass. My thoughts say I have no class. I didn’t do anything wrong, it just some harmless fun. But I look down, and I’m still tryna run. It’s all a joke. The flirting, the laughing, the… almost sex. I could stop the negative thoughts just long enough to take pride in wanting to be fucked. Then suddenly there’s a gap. It’s getting smaller and smaller. I’m trying and trying… and trying, and trying. I’m close to tears, I’m crying. My thoughts say, “Shut that shit up, this is what you wanted.” And they’re right. I soaked up his vibe like spilled milk. I was greedy for his eyes and the way he looked at me. I used him more than he used me. Simple as that. So why do I feel like a hoe? Throw my head back is disbelief thinking I don’t even know. At the same time it’s all so amusing. But I be damned if I’ll be swooning. He’s just some dick to me. And I’m just some pussy for him. But in reality that’s my homeboy from back in high school. Truth say he dated my homegirl for two years on and off. Truth is… he cheated on her with me. So you see this isn’t random. We got history. And he if had the chance, he’d change it all around to make him look good and make me look bad in his story. Now what? Because come next week, I’ma be back at it again. Tasting his lips, grinding on him with my hips. ”You ain’t cut out for this girl.” They steady telling me. I think to myself damn, “Got any tips?” They don’t know anything about me. Haha hold up, they are me. My thoughts say, “But oh wait whoa, you forgot you a virgin?” Disclaimer. Now sit back and watch as these claim her. She too strong, but oh they might. Thinking… this what you wanted right?

-Vibepoetically

[nothingexceptwords]

Dear Past Me,

I really don’t even know what to say. I mean you are so much more different than I am now and that’s only what, a year time difference maybe. Yeah. I have to say that I am proud of you because you’re still here, alive and well. I’m proud of you for not giving up on yourself and what really matters to you. I’m proud of you for standing your ground and for suppressing everything possibly depressing. Although we are different people now, I could never, and I would never try to forget you. You made me who I am now and for that, I thank you Past Me.

[nothingexceptwords]

Why is she pretending like she is okay with me? I don’t get it. Why is she calling me baby? Why is she pretending to care? Why does it matter to her? Why do I matter to her? I don’t. She knows it. She was ready to drop me that second, so she definitely doesn’t care all that much. Just stop with the lying and be truthful with me.

[nothingexceptwords]

Mfspb

Yesterday was a lot. I did more work finding out about what classes I need to take for what I want to major in and about if I need my permit and what I need to take to get my license than I thought I had in me. Like holy crap, it felt like a lot. I feel proud of myself for keeping my patience and sticking with finding out all of that stuff. I have my classes and I will be taking a class in the summer. I have to take the DATA text, but since I am over 18 years old, I don’t need my permit. I just have to take the text, then I can take a driving course and move on to the text to take before I get my official license. Then I get my license. That is a lot because I have to pay for every single one of those things, and they are not cheap. But at least I will be driving. After I get my license, then I can start applying for jobs. So to sum things up, a shit load of responsibility is going to headed my way and I need to be ready for it. I am an adult now and I need to act as such.

In other news, I am talking to Des again but I am not sure if that was a good call on my behalf. It is really whatever because I am a different person than I was when were dating.

Moving on.

There is no stress in my life, well not exactly. I am happy and not depressed over stupid things, thank goodness. I would say the most stressful thing in my life is my English class. And not my English in class in its entirety, just this one assignment we have due after Spring Break. I have to do an essay on a career or company I want to work for. That part is way easy, but it’s how I have to research it that is the issue. My professor is making the class search this through databases and that shit is so confusing. And I keep putting off searching stuff because it’s so hard. I need to buckle down more with that class because it’s not even hard, I am just being lazy and that is unacceptable.

Continuing.

I got mad yesterday because I found out that after I get my AA Degree, I have to transfer to a University in the state of Florida. I mean, I don’t legit have to, but I have to. If that makes sense. Anywho, now in two years when I am a junior, I will be going to the University of Florida. It’s two hours away so I am not sure if I will have to stay on campus or I’ll just drive back and forth. I mean that is a lotof gas,  so it sounds like it’s on campus for me. But to be honest, I don’t want to stay on campus. Because on campus means that I will have a roommate and I don’t like people very much now-a-days. I mean it’s not that I don’t like people, I do. I just don’t have the energy anymore to try and be sociable with anyone. Because when I do, that person half asses and I’m just done. So yeah. But sigh, whatever. I guess I can’t complain too much because I will be in a new place and away from these fake ass people that I used to call friends. Which isanother reason I got mad. I was mad because I told myself in two years, after I get my AA Degree, that I was moving to California. I had even fought with myself for days over whether to move to New York or California. It was a reallyfucking hard decision bro. And I had finally made up my mind on moving to California and then I was hit with this news. I almost cried I kid you not because I was that upset.

But four years doesn’t sound that bad to me anymore. Because I thought that when I transfered to the University, that I was going to have to be there for four years and I wasn’t having that shit. But then my mom told me that I’ll only be there for two years, cause I’ll be a junior. Duh. I was so stupid a couple of hours ago lol. So when I am twenty-two, I am out of here. And it’s better that I have two years added on because that gives me more time to save up money. SO I guess this is great. I just need to tough it out. I have been meaning to learn more patience.

In other news.

I had my first argument with Tia. It didn’t feel good but what was said needed to be said and I don’t regret saying what I said. I was scared to argue with her because I know she just stops talking to people is she wants. But she said something to me and it made me question everything. I mean I couldn’t believe she said it and it just made me feel like our friendship didn’t mean all thatmuch. It is a challenge with her, but I told her that I would be there for her throughout, and I will. She needs someone to believe in her and show her how to believe in herself. She’s a good person and she should see that.

This next part probably shouldn’t even be typed, but fuck it.

So I have been thinking. And I am determined to become friends with Louie again. Gasp, I said his name. I feel like this kid is Lord Voldomort and shit, He Who Must Not Be Named and shit. Omg I sounded so ghetto. But in all seriousness, I am never going to stop trying to be friends with him. Ever. Because he means that much to me and frankly I still want to do everything we said we were going to do. I really thought I had more to say about this, but my thoughts have left my mind sadly.

Well, I suppose that is all for now. I am glad that I did this, hooray for mee. Hooray for Dee.

Oh.

Also, I miss talking to Manny. I wonder why he hasn’t texted me in so long. He might just be that busy with school. In which that case, I completely understand. I think I will text him tomorrow though.

Annnnnd.

Ruthy and I are starting to become good friends again. She wants to go on a road trip to Clearwater. Sounds fun.

Okay, okay. I promise you and I am really done this time.

Thank you for your time and eyes,

Dee

[nothingexceptwords]

So I think that there just might be something off about me, relationship wise of course. I mean this guy that I was really cool with in high school found out that I liked him and wondered why I didn’t tell him. Now this girl that I considered my best friend in high school is telling me that they are “talking” now. She sent me their entire conversation and he is calling he babe and saying that he doesn’t care, she’s his and they’re going to get married and have talented kids. Like oh wait, whoa. What about what we were just talking about. I don’t know man, maybe I just have no idea how to connect to people relationship wise because he was talking how it feels like she knows him so well and no one knows him like she knows him. I mean it really is fine that they are dating, or are going to date; that’s on them. I said I would focus on my career now anyway.

But, womp.

[nothingexceptwords]

I was so close to calling him tonight. I was so close to getting my phone out and dialing his number and having a conversation with him after my class. But I didn’t call him. I couldn’t. I need to think of what it is exactly that I want from him. Yeah we are BOTH pretty cozy with our separate lives right now, but I want my best friend back. And I’m willing to start over if that’s what needs to be done. I just miss him, and we need to do all the things we said we would.

[nothingexceptwords]

My senior year in high school would have to be the complex year out of all my years in high school. There is a room within the chorus room, called the Ensemble Room. It is a fairly sized room with panels on the wall to block in the sound so that anyone practicing outside cannot be disturbed. It is a very plain room; it has a long white board, the walls are a few shades past khaki, and a keyboard rests in the corner for the choral director. The floor is hard and has this austere multi-colored carpet. The room brings wonderful memories, but sometimes it only takes a single bad experience to stain all the wonderful memories. In the past several times that I have gone back during school hours to visit my choral department and director, I have spent time in that room alone. I have found that it is not without difficulty to think about the one bad thing that happened in that room. Until now, I have never even considered that what happened in that room that day was the initial beginning of my fate. It is kind of strange, I am kind of strange; I do not like to forget, I loathe in fact. Good memories are great to remember, but I find myself trying hardest to hold on to anything negative in the past. I suppose in some crazy, bizarre way, I enjoy the negative energy in that room and always will. It reminds me of what type of person I used to be, and that what occurred was actually real, not something conjured from my cynical mind to entertain myself.

[sunst0ne]

Because paper has more patience than people.

Anne Frank (via sunst0ne)

[lips-of-a-demon-deactivated2013]

This is my scar.. my horribly ugly scar and I have more, in strange places.. This is my stomach though. This is also my biggest scar though, everytime I go to the beach everyone stares. I never feel accepted, I just want to be normal. I don’t like to get made fun of for something I can’t control, no one does. Well, here’s my story.. Read if you’re interested.

I was born 4 months early and I think I had an infection in my stomach and the doctors had to perform surgery and take out some of my intestants and then they had to stich it back up and now I’m left with this horrid scar. I should’ve been born in December, haah, I was born in August.(: But, I love August. So it’s cool. haha.