don’t open closed doors:
Last night I came across old messages I saved with Niels from YEARS ago. I totally forgot about it until recently. I also came across an old copy of the last text I sent to him. It was a few days before Nes and I made a month, and reading that text reminded me how crazy toxic everything was between my ex and I. I threatened him to never mention Nes’ name it I wouldn’t hesitate to cut him out of my life for good. It’s weird how even to this day, he hasn’t said Nes’ actual name (just subliminal ones), and it gives me hope that he’d be wiling to talk it out one day.
Reading that text also exposed how cruel I was to him and his advances, but I remember it being so exhausting having to repeat myself constantly the whole relationship. I was so stressed out at the time of our breakup because of everyone calling me names, not knowing the situation, thinking it was (still) okay to butt into people’s issues as if it was their own. Seeing that message also made me appreciate our time apart since then. We’ve had time time to grow individually, learn about ourselves, and learn to be better partners for someone else. I really hope one day we can sit down and have a civil conversation about our past. I’d love to hear how much he’s grown since our breakup and what he’s learned. I just want my friend back.
Earlier this morning, I came across a scary-relateable tweet that described Niels & I’s breakup perfectly! It said:
“My ex finally loved herself enough to leave my toxic ass and walked straight into a much happier and healthier relationship. I was sick af. Begged her ass to come back, told her they wouldn’t last but look at then now almost 3 years strong.Moral of the story: know your worth. I was ready to change when she had already detached mentally and emotionally.”
Most times, I wonder if Niels ever had this realization. I’ve been able to admit my wrongs, but I’ve always wondered if he did the same. He was so blinded by hate all that time and blamed me for everything. Now that all these years have past, a part of me wants to know if he actually took the time to reflect on his wrongs with me. Does he regret dating and spending so much time lusting over me? Does he regret wasting so much of his time trying to keep someone in his life? And more importantly, is he happy? Like really, truly happy?
There’s no doubt that I’ve always wanted the best for him. I just thought I’d be able to see it up close (as a friend)). It hurt the most seeing him hide his pain from the world or maybe from himself, pain he insists on not having. Then I questiion myself. Does he still care? Does he forgive me? Would he be open to letting each other back into our lives? Or do we just move on like we never had a long history together? How do people move on with their lives after something as traumatic as that? How did HE do it?
In a perfect world, I believe we would have solved our issues a long time ago, and we’d actually be in eachother’s lives. I often replay what our first encounter would be like. I imagine the things I’d ask, the things I’d say, and the things I’d finally be able to get off my chest. I imagine our conversation going smoothly; just like old friends reconnecting again. Then I remember how easy it was for him to walk away when things didn’t go well, and it makes me think if he’d do the same thing now. After so many years of worrying about me, did he finally have enough and walk away and forget about me completely this time? Whether he did or not, I still have hope and believe he still cares and that maybe he’d be observing from afar. I can only hope he wishes for me what I do for him...because that’s what friends do.