-- toastyGrammarian [TG] began pestering archaeologistAnew [AA] at 17:11 --
[05:12] TG: hey aradia
[05:12] AA: hell0 r0xy
[05:14] TG: can i ask u for a favor?
[05:14] AA: sure
[05:14] AA: what is it?
[05:15] TG: i wanted 2 come see sollux
[05:15] TG: but i dont have any way to get there
[05:16] AA: 0h yeah i can help y0u with that
[05:17] AA: ive been wanting t0 check up 0n him anyway
[05:17] AA: ive just been s0 abs0rbed in my w0rk ive l0st track 0f h0w much time has even passed since... yeah
[05:17] TG: thanks
[05:19] TG: im gonna come now if thats ok
[05:19] AA: yes thats fine
[05:25] TG: *after attempting to decide if there's anything she should bring, she decides it's best to forget about that, and steps onto the transportalizer to Aradia's hive* aradia?
[05:27] AA: *had been waiting in the transportalizer room, anticipating Roxy's arrival, and is clearly more then ready to go see Sollux* hey r0xy
[05:28] TG: hey... *steps forward* just lead the way
[05:31] AA: *nods and leads Roxy outside, where she then unfolds her god tier wings that she usually kept out of the way* i h0pe y0u d0nt mind flying *extends her arms to her*
[05:34] TG: *stares a moment before shaking her head* nah its fine *steps toward her a bit awkwardly, wrapping her arms around Aradia's shoulders*
[05:38] AA: *scoops Roxy up and takes off into the sky, making a bee-line for Sollux's hive*
ARADIA: *flies to Sollux's hive, then floats near his window sill, where she usually drops in when she visits* did y0u tell him y0u were c0ming? *wants to make sure before getting Roxy to knock on the window to get his attention*
ROXY: *stares at the window for a moment* yeah i did *and yet she wasn't entirely sure he even saw the message, as he hadn't responded*
ARADIA: alright just give a tap 0n the wind0w then... h0pefully hell answer *frowns, concerned that he'll ignore them*
ROXY: *reaches out a hand to do so, rapping her knuckles against the window pane*
SOLLUX: *a few moments after Roxy had knocked, thin blue and red sparks wrapped around the latch of the window and it snapped open, granting access to the shadows he could see on the floor from where he sat*
ARADIA: *sets Roxy inside carefully before climbing into the block herself*
ROXY: *stands up once she's inside, looking around before spotting Sollux tucked away in the corner, and she can feel a frown tugging at her mouth already as she moves a little closer* hey
SOLLUX: *sighs silently through his nose, tipping his head back against the wall and fixing a droopy gaze on her* hey. *glances at Aradia*
ARADIA: *gives him a small nod, hoping he doesn't mind her being there, but couldn't bring herself to leave even if he did* hey s0llux... *steps forward to approach him*
SOLLUX: *his elbows are rested on his knees, and he turns his gaze away from them to stare at his own hands, tracing lazy shapes in front of him with electricity and watching it spark from his fingertips*
ROXY: *steps close enough to press her back against the wall, sliding down to sit next to him. From this proximity she tell he seems even thinner than before, or maybe it's just the way he looks overall, and it's painful to even think about* kinda cool in here huh
SOLLUX: gue22 2o. *doesn't bother to shrug, or look at her, or even point out that the sparks were supposed to constitute as a quiet warning not to get too close**oh, well.*
ARADIA: *treads softly to his other side, dropping silently onto her knees, but allowing him space so not to smother him with their presence. she didn't fear the sparks, but she wouldn't want to push him either*
SOLLUX: *the pit in his stomach only grows cold, his teeth grinding in his mouth in silent opposition for either of them being there*
ROXY: oh i know what would help *stands back up to search for his kitchen, a little disappointed to find that it's pretty bare like holy shit what does this guy even survive on, and she chews on her lip in thought before coming back into the room* hey aradia?
ARADIA: *turns her head after hearing her name, but doesn't get up* yes?
ROXY: do you have any food at your hive?
ARADIA: *nods, standing up now, though reluctantly, understanding what Roxy wants from her* yeah i can g0 grab s0mething
ROXY: ok *smiles weakly, a silent thanks*
SOLLUX: *isn't really listening**but if he was, he'd probably have growled at the notion*
ARADIA: *hops out the window, spreading her wings to make a quick trip back to her hive*
ROXY: *sits back down with sollux, sighing a soft breath*
SOLLUX: *doesn't acknowledge her, really, too busy with his sparks*
ROXY: so i... didnt really... know her very well
ROXY: ...tell me about her?
SOLLUX: *the sparks fizzle for a moment, but return quickly as he contemplates whether it's worth it to answer her or not**talking about her and what she used to be like would only solidify the fact that he could only use the past tense, and that was something he didn't want to do* why.
ROXY: cuz i... wanna know in your words
SOLLUX: *laces his fingers together to crack them, eventually disregarding sparks to levitate a few stepped-on game grubs from the floor and turn them in circles**at this point, his silence was him trying to find the words*
ROXY: *waits in the silence, watching his idle psionic play rather than keeping her gaze on him, hoping the quiet can offer some ease for him to start speaking*
SOLLUX: *after a long enough time of silence -- and it was a decent amount of time -- he spoke; quietly, his voice having barely escalated above a crackly mumble since he'd bothered responding at all* 2he wa2 really hard headed. bo22iie2t giirl iive ever fuckiing met. 2he could almo2t match me iin the hii22y fiit department, whiich a2 2ad a2 iit ii2 two admiit, ii2 pretty iimpre22iive. *scoffs; a bitter sort of laugh*
SOLLUX: ii dont thiink iive ever met 2omeone who could get 2o exciited 2o ea2iily, and 2tay that way regardle22 of how completely unexciitiing thiing2 got. 2he thought every liittle goddamn thiing wa2 exciitiing.
SOLLUX: 2he thought ii wa2 exciitiing. *his brow creases; he pauses*
SOLLUX: *shakes his head* 2ometiime2. then agaiin ii thiink iit wa2 pretty obviiou2 that the 2hiit 2he found exciitiing wa2 2orely not 2o.
SOLLUX: but 2he had a biig heart. biig re2pon2iibiliitiie2. biig plan2. apparently, really 2hiitty plan2, but biig one2 ii gue22.
SOLLUX: 2he wa2 kiind. maybe a liittle two kiind. 2ometiime2 iit biit her iin the a22, the whole 'gotta coddle' thiing 2he had goiing on. eiither way, iit2 not a traiit iim all that u2ed two 2eeiing, let alone beiing on the receiiviing end of. *picks at his nails, falling silent for another second*
SOLLUX: and 2he wa2 fuckiing 2tupiid for ever giiviing me the tiime of day. even 2tupiider for doiing iit twiice.
ROXY: *listens in silence, smiling a little, as it's easy to imagine these things from the little she spoke to Feferi, and his fondness of her seems clearer in this moment than ever* ...i wouldnt regret it. im... sure she wouldnt either.
SOLLUX: youre riight, 2he wouldn't. *snorts* becau2e 2he2 fuckiing dead. agaiin.
ROXY: *she doesn't know what to say for a moment, as the words sting, and she's whipped back into silence with them*
SOLLUX: *flings the game grubs across the room with a flick of his fingers, and they collide with the wall with a smack* and yet agaiin, iit2 about a2 good a2 my fault.
ROXY: *stares, confused and pained by this sort of conclusion* why would it be your fault?
SOLLUX: *his stomach wrenched, a ripple of cold discomfort slithering up to his throat in a manner that made him actually laugh, his voice rising in octave and volume* dare ii lii2t the fuckiing way2?
ROXY: *she was even more confused now, but she supposed it wasn't too illogical for him to want to blame himself* sollux you had nothing to do with this
SOLLUX: no, no, but ii diid! ii diid, you dont under2tand, ii really diid. *laughs again, sitting up a little straighter*
SOLLUX: ii heard her. ii heard her voiice and ii could have triied 2o much harder two 2top iit but ii diidnt. ii could have done 2omethiing, and iin2tead ii wa2ted tiime wiiggiing out about iit liike a wriiggler who2 never been through thii2 before. ii 2hould have me22aged eriidan fiir2t, or found 2ome fuckiing way two go my2elf, *shakes his head, chewing on his lip for a second before slamming his fist down on the floor*
SOLLUX: ii alway2 have 2omethiing two do wiith iit. liiterally every tiime thii2 ha2 happened, ii had 2omethiing two do wiith iit, iit alway2 come2 back around two 2omethiing ii diid or diidnt do and people alway2 end up /dead,/ Roxy. everyone. around me. diie2. *he had turned to her, colored sparks had leaked from the corners of his eyes, crackling around his entire frame in short flashes*
SOLLUX: iit2 alway2 my fuckiing fault, 2o dont you dare try two tell me iit2 not. you dont know everythiing, Roxy, and ju2t becau2e iit miight be niice two beliieve that no one wa2 two blame doe2nt mean youre riight.
ROXY: *she was still confused -- it didn't make full sense to her, she didn't understand the whole story -- but it was clear that he was convinced in the truth of his words, and the anger he expressed intimidated enough to have her eyes widening, brows knit in both confusion and worry, but she didn't move away*
SOLLUX: *he stared at her, the headache he'd been letting sit increasing in pressure at his temples with the volume of his voice, but he didn't care, because there was nothing he could do about that either, there was nothing he could do about anything* ii heard her fuckiing voiice. do you know what that mean2?
ROXY: *she watched in return, too worried for him to turn her gaze away because as angry as he may have been, she knew this anger was for himself, not her; she remained in silence, unwilling to encourage his speech and figuring it wouldn't have mattered even if she did*
SOLLUX: *at the lack of response, he shifted to sit with his back against the wall again, his shoulder blades hitting it with a dull thud* iit mean2 ii knew 2he wa2 goiing two diie. that2 one of the not-2o-fuckiing-awe2ome perk2 of beiing p2ychiic? ii hear the 2cream2 of people who are goiing two diie. only you wanna know the fucked up part about thii2? iill tell you anyway.
SOLLUX: ii heard her /laugh./
ROXY: *her voice as she tried to speak again was hoarse, strained* is that not... good?
SOLLUX: iit mean2 2he wa2nt 2cared. and u2ually youd thiink that wa2 a good thiing, riight? youd thiink iid have appreciiated that.
SOLLUX: but you know what el2e iit mean2?
SOLLUX: iit mean2 2he probably knew.
SOLLUX: *his fists clench* 2he knew. and ii knew. and... god, 2he fuckiing knew, diidnt 2he...
ROXY: *she didn't know what she could say to that -- it was a heavy thought, one she couldn't have predicted and had no answer for. She only wished she could offer some sort of comfort, but perhaps the only way she could do that was by listening to him now*
SOLLUX: *he was silent for a few more moments, the fury in his chest having risen to clog his throat in a hot, painful bubble, and little sparks continued to flicker from his eyes as he watched the floor with a narrowed, hateful stare*
SOLLUX: eiither way, iit2 2tiill my fault. iit2 alway2 my fault. iim ju2t not meant two care about people ii guess, *scoffs* all iit get2 them ii2 a u2ually viiolent death. ii dont know iif thii2 wa2.... iif thii2 wa2 liike the other2, but ii gue22 that doe2nt matter. 2ame end re2ult. *he spat the last words, sneering at himself and raising a hand to grind the heel of his palm against his forehead*
SOLLUX: you know what, maybe you 2hould lii2ten two eriidan and 2tay away from me. iim a danger two all liiviing, breathiing thiing2 that come wiithiin a 500 miile radiiu2.
ROXY: sollux... *she could feel her own frustration building, because she wanted to know what to tell him, to help him, and his persistent blame of himself felt so /wrong/; he didn't deserve it, she knew that, no matter what he said*
ROXY: we've been through seven layers of hell playing the game we did and things happened, horrible things, and maybe now they're coming back to bite us in the ass like they always do. you cant blame yourself for the existence of demons when youve really only made the people around you happy in the long run...
ARADIA: *climbs in through the window at that moment, gripping the edge of the window with her free hand to support herself, her other hand holding a box containing pizza and a bag of beverages dangling off her wrist* *immediately senses that things have gotten even more tense, so quietly sets down the food and gestures to get Roxy's attention*
SOLLUX: oh, you thiink iim 2tiill talkiing about the /game?/ *another laugh falls from his mouth as he presses his hands to the floor and twists at the waist to face her, his eyebrows raised in an expression that was very, very wrong for him to be wearing. Just then, he turned to see that Aradia had returned, and the hideous whirlwind of emotions he had managed to keep a hold of were starting to really bubble up like shaken soda in the form of impending cackles*
SOLLUX: wow, hey, aradiia, youre ju2t iin tiime! iit2 2tory tiime. why dont you tell u2 all about that one tiime ii kiilled you, you remember that, dont you? maybe throw iin the tiime your dumb robot exploded about three feet iin front of me. that2 my favoriite.
ARADIA: *her expression melts into a deep frown as he attempts to reopen those wounds* s0llux what happened wasnt y0ur fault and y0u kn0w that *she strides to his side with determination and kneels beside him again, fists clenched in her lap* n0ne 0f this is y0ur fault s0 st0p blaming y0urself
ARADIA: *wraps him into an embrace, whether he wants it or not. She feels it necessary, and intense emotion - anger, pity, concern- pumped in her chest. She didn't want to see him blame himself for anything, not for a second.*
ROXY: *she moved away just a bit as Aradia neared him, figuring she could do to give them the space, especially now as things had pulled her into the picture, and she was more confused and worried than ever*
SOLLUX: *if he could have backed up, he would have, but being pressed against the wall didn't make for many easy routes for escape. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her -- fuck, that was the last thing he had ever wanted, -- but his anger was barely at its peak and the opposition to being touched briefly overtook whatever rationality he might have maintained during this fucking awful encounter. With a thought he gave her a short shove, scooting away from her reach* dont. *shakes his head* dont.
ARADIA: *a jabbing pain in her heart becomes apparent in her expression, but she drives it away, choosing to furrow her brows in frustration instead. She draws back as he commands, anger swelling up inside her - mostly frustration at herself because she can't help him. Nothing she did helped him since they met again in this new universe and she hated feeling they were drifting apart. She sighs, trying not to lose her head.* im s0rry if im pushing my b0undaries... i just cant stand idly by while y0u d0 this t0 y0urself
SOLLUX: do /what/ two my2elf? thii2 ii2 /nothiing./
ARADIA: y0ure treating y0urself like everything is y0ur fault 0nce again when its N0T! im just s0 sick 0f seeing y0u hurt y0urself 0ver and 0ver again ab0ut things that were 0ut 0f y0ur c0ntr0l! i kn0w its frustrating but y0u have t0 accept that things happen... they happen t0 y0u m0re 0ften then they sh0uld and im s0 s0rry thats the case but it d0esnt change the fact that y0u are N0T the reas0n these things happen. im here f0r y0u n0w... *clenches her fists, the anger bubbling to the surface, knowing well that what shes saying will likely fall upon deaf ears. She only wants him to understand that she cares, that she wants to be there with him through this, that she wants to help him get through it*
SOLLUX: oh, wiill you fuckiing 2TOP!? *its damn near a full yell, and he leans forward where he's sitting, his mouth twisted into a snarl* enough wiith remiindiing me iit2 out of my control. you thiink ii dont know that!? you thiink iit2 not the mo2t blatantly obviiou2 fuckiing fact iin the world that II BRIING THII2 2HIIT AROUND, AND II CANT EVEN FUCKIING /GET RIID OF IIT!?/ *the sparks around him grew brighter*
SOLLUX: have you notiiced that ii havent fiixed a 2iingle thiing wiithout breakiing 2omethiing el2e? /nothiing/ around me ii2 meant two be whole, and nothiing you try two 2ay two me now ii2 goiing two magiically make me beliieve that thii2 ha2 nothiing two do wiith me because II FUCKIING KNOW IIT DOE2. our a2pect2 have root2. thii2 2hiit ha2 followed me around my entiire liife, and iim 2iick of iit hurtiing the people ii care about. iim 2iick of haviing them ju2t get riipped away becau2e there ii2 2omethiing wrong wiith /me./
SOLLUX: and youre telliing me ii need two accept that 'the2e thiing2 happen?' how the mother FUCK am ii 2uppo2ed two accept the fact that all iim good for ii2 de2tructiion and 2econdhandedly kiilliing everythiing ii ever even thought two love?
SOLLUX: 2o you can fuckiing 2top any tiime now.
ARADIA: *on reflex, her hand draws back and swoops foward again to collide with his face. Immediately she regretted it, but didn't at the same time. She bit at her lip, trying to contain tears of frustration and hurt and remorse. She shouldn't have come here. Sollux didn't want her, so why did she bother? She stands, looming over him, feeling more words she would regret making their way up her throat* y0u want me t0 st0p? y0u want me t0 leave y0u al0ne? because y0u d0nt want t0 hurt the pe0ple cl0se t0 y0u? well c0ngratulati0ns 0n managing t0 b0th drive me away and hurt me at the same time! ive d0ne n0thing but supp0rt y0u and... and y0ure n0t the 0nly 0ne hurt and c0nfused by everything thats happened s0llux. maybe y0u think distancing y0urself will be helpful t0 every0ne but y0ure wrong. im d0ne arguing ab0ut this. y0u d0nt want me here? fine. i w0nt burden y0u with that guilt anym0re.
ROXY: *stares at the scene in shock, unsure how to react now but feeling even more out of place now than she had before; she hated to think about the fact that Aradia's leave would mean her own, but perhaps that would have been best anyway, with these emotions running so high. There was only so much Roxy could handle herself, and this was beyond her understanding in several ways*
SOLLUX: *the second she'd raised her hand was the instant he felt an overwhelmingly sharp pang of guilt like a deep slash across his stomach, and he made no move to stop her as she slapped him upside the face. His head turned with the impact and he withheld a small gasp, partly because he felt as though if he released it, it would become obvious to everyone else that he'd mistaken the way that his anger built up for inappropriate laughter when in fact, it was manifesting itself in more shameful impending tears. Oh, all he wanted right in that split second was to remain angry, to say 'fiine! get out.' but even before she had struck him, any of the willpower he might have had to remain angry had been rapidly drained away as though someone had unlocked a floodgate. *
SOLLUX: *The sparks that danced around him ceased their flickering, and he stared at the floor, for a long moment still almost afraid to breathe. He did, though, and the sound that accompanied the breath was no more substantial than a shuddering wheeze, the sting in his cheek far from his mind in comparison to what he'd just done to deserve it. He couldn't apologize, though, because the words wouldn't form, and without even granting himself permission to do so, he bowed forward, ducking his head and covering it with his hands, already so filled with shame that it hardly mattered whether they saw his shoulders shaking or not. It didn't matter what they thought of him now, did it? Of course not.*
ARADIA: *Her gut writhed in untieable knots watching Sollux curl up before her, her lips parting slightly as she realized what she had done. Aradia wanted to apologize, but neither could she find words. Her open hand clenched into a fist as she averted her eyes away from him, but found Roxy instead* i... y0u didnt need t0 see this *she directed the apology to her, needing to release it somehow, but her stubborn nature wouldn't allow that apology to fall upon Sollux.* i sh0uld leave *she almost forgot Roxy needed her to leave as well, and stopped herself before turning away. She said nothing, just glanced at Roxy again*
ROXY: *stares for several moments, in shock, before the pain on Sollux's behalf was practically strangling, and the last thing she wanted to do now was leave, leave him like this, alone and hurt and angry with himself, and for a moment she sat, torn, before she knew she had no choice but to leave with Aradia and, god, she hoped she wouldn't regret it, necessary or not. She stood to her feet, warily, before taking slow steps after Aradia, afraid to glance back at Sollux but unable to avoid it, and her heart only clenched again*
SOLLUX: *he doesn't look up as he senses their presence shifting, instead focusing on holding his breath until they're gone. As many times as he had wished he were dead, truly dead, and as often as he had entertained the thought now, there hadn't quite been a moment where he wanted it more than now. The air in his lungs started to coil and burn, and it came out in a shaken hiss through clenched teeth as he fought to stay quiet as they left, his nails digging into his scalp as his fingers curled tightly in his hair.*
ARADIA: *gulps, trying to ease the ever growing lump in her throat, tightening painfully. She couldn't look back at Sollux now, she was past that point. She made a swift movement to scoop Roxy up, wanting to escape as quickly as possibly. She just made the situation worse and she hated herself for it. Before anything else could be said or felt, she leapt out the window and few for her hive.*
SOLLUX: *the second he had heard them leave, and that sense of being utterly alone again surrounded him, the new breath he'd been holding escaped him in a strangling huff, a desperate gasp being all he was really capable of pulling in in its place. His legs were lined with pins and needles as he pulled them up in a bend, pressing his face to his knees despite the ache in his stomach that came with leaning and the struggle for air that was only worsened. He should be happy, shouldn't he? He'd gotten what he wanted; to be left alone. No one around him, no one for him to snag with this curse he'd been dealt, and knew he'd been dealt, no matter what Aradia said. He should be happy, but it only felt like he'd broken the last few things he had that kept him together whether he admitted it or not, and it was clear in the way it felt like he might come apart at the seams should he unfold himself from the knot he knew he might only ease out of if he managed to fall asleep*
