✍
✍: For what my muse has written about yours in their diary.
Dear Diary,
I don't know how much longer I can do this, or how much longer I can continue to write about it. Every time I put my thoughts down on paper it helps my chest feel less heavy but I fear that He might find it and read what I've written about Him. It's very scary. All the things He could see, all the things I feel. How much I hate Him and despise Him and how confused I am every time He touches me.
He yelled at me again today but he didn't hurt me, which I guess is a good thing. Maybe I'm getting better at reading the signals of what sets Him off? I can't believe it's been a year since I was married to Him; it still feels like only yesterday I was on an adventure and.. happy. I'm still happy, I mean I can't let this get me down! I have to stay happy but... I was really happy for that small amount of time.
And now I'm here, with Him. He yelled at me because I said something wrong to one of His business partners and flinched when He reprimanded me. I know He wants to keep what He does to me a secret and I'm trying my best but everyone knows I'm not a good liar. I'm just blessed that He keeps what he does to me so well hidden and under wraps that no one has asked me directly about it. I'm afraid I'd tell the truth and who knows what would happen to them! Or me.
Or is it a blessing? Maybe it's a bad thing. Maybe someone should know. Maybe someone should know what He does to me, that the beautiful relationship of the King and the Queen is nothing but a farce. No.. it's a blessing. No one can save me from this cage I've put myself in, not even myself. Everyone that could is either gone, or banished and even then I doubt they could free both myself and this kingdom from the grasp that Liar has put us under.
I'm going to burn my diary tomorrow. It has been nice to let things out and not keep them bottled up, but I can't risk Him finding this or someone else. No one can know what I'm feeling because.. my kingdom is more important. My life is more important. Is that cowardly? Selfish? Am I really living like this?
I don't really know..
Anna
