Castiel looked up from his coffee as Balthazar walked through the door and collapsed onto the sofa. “That bad?” he asked.
Balthazar lifted his head to look over the back of the sofa to where Castiel sat at the table. “You’re one to talk,” he said, eyeing Castiel’s cup. “Coffee at ten in the evening? Or do you have something more exciting in that cup?”
“Just coffee, but you know that I drink coffee at any time I please as a habit; I’ll let the deflection slide, however, if that’s what you want.”
Balthazar was silent for a moment;, then, “We broke up.”
“Oh,” was all Castiel said as he got up and walked towards the kitchen.
“Yeah…”
Castiel took some tea from the cabinet—Chamomile? No, Tuscan Sun—and put water on the stove.
“Are you making tea?”
“I am.” Cas bit his lip against a smirk, knowing what was coming.
“Did I just hear you pull a pot from below the counter?”
“Why, yes, you did.” Aaaannnnd…
“Castiel…” Balthazar’s tortured voice came from the couch. “There is a perfectly good kettle right there. It’s—it’s on the stove…”
Castiel smiled at him innocently but made sure to school his expression before walking over to the sofa, lifting Balthazar’s legs to sit down, and placing them back on his lap. “Are you okay?”
Balthazar glowered at him. Then, he sighed and stared up at the ceiling.
Castiel rested his arms across his friend’s shins. “Would you like to talk about it?” he asked, picking absently at the hem of Balthazar’s pants.
Balthazar ran a hand over his face. “I’m not exactly sure what to say. I broke up with her. I just…” He trailed off.
Castiel studied him. “What happened? I thought you liked Hannah…”
“I liked her well enough. I still do. But...not like she likes me, or more pertinently…not like she wants me to like her.” Balthazar swallowed. “We were at her flat. Everything was fine, but she kept going on about how much she loved me, how she couldn’t possibly see herself with anyone else and how she gets all these...butterflies, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean, and I—I just…”
“That’s not how you feel about her.”
“Castiel, that’s not how I’ve ever felt about anyone. This whole…” He waved a hand in the air and propped up against the arm of the couch, “in love business...it’s complete bollocks. If you ask me, people’ve just seen too many blasted movies, got so hopped up on the rush of getting to know someone that they think that's it, that’s love, but it isn’t. Love is…” He glanced down at Castiel. “Love is choosing the person you get on with best, someone you’re able to be mates with and that you find attractive. All this ‘romance’ rubbish is just propaganda.”
Castiel looked at his friend. He thought about the warm feeling that grew inside him when they were together, the way his heart beat just a little faster every time Balthazar was close. “Yes...perhaps you’re right.”
“Of course I am. Furthermore,” continued Balthazar, “I certainly wouldn’t be able to know that about someone I’ve only just met. How am I supposed to look at someone who’s been in my life barely two months and not be able to see myself without them? It makes no sense!”
Castiel hummed. “Yes, that I definitely understand.”
He patted Balthazar’s legs to let him up, went back to the kitchen and poured Balthazar some tea, chuckling at Balthazar’s renewed grumblings about the pot and grabbing his own coffee and a book on his way back to the couch. Balthazar accepted the tea and lifted his legs to let Castiel settle back into his place on the couch beneath them.
They fell into a comfortable silence, Castiel sipping his coffee and reading his well-loved copy of The Song of Achilles while Balthazar drank his tea and watched him.
“Hey, Castiel?”
Castiel looked up from his book. “What is it?”
“I know this was a long time ago, and maybe I shouldn’t reopen old wounds, but...why did you and Dean end things? The two of you...seemed good together. The way he looked at you...and you seemed to really like him.”
Castiel sighed. “We were. I did.”
“Then, why?”
Castiel swallowed. “He thought I didn’t.”
Balthazar’s brows furrowed. “Didn’t what? Like him?”
“Yes.”
“But you did.”
“I did.”
“Was he that insecure?”
“He...thought that I wasn’t happy with him, because...well, because I didn’t want him the same way he wanted me.”
Balthazar blinked, and then understanding grew on his face. “What, you mean sex?”
“Yes.”
“But...I thought that the two of you…”
“We did.”
“Well, what, then? He wanted it more often?”
“No, it wasn’t that.”
“Then…?”
Castiel sighed and set his book aside. “I don’t...dislike sex. It’s fine. And I did enjoy the way it made him feel. I enjoyed taking care of him and watching him fall apart in my arms. But…while I do appreciate the closeness and intimacy of it, I don’t personally feel a need for those things to come in the form of sex, specifically. I usually do enjoy it, but I almost never want it. I don’t crave it. And...that bothered him. He thought that—because of that and that I wasn’t affected by him in the same way he was me—that I wasn’t attracted to him, that I wasn’t in love with him. He thought I was forcing myself to be with him.”
“But, you weren’t...forcing yourself, I mean.”
“No,” Castiel agreed, but had to work to shake the old anxiety that maybe he should have been forcing himself more, that maybe he should have tried harder for the man he loved. He swallowed. “I wasn’t, not in general and not when it came to sex. It took time, but I learned to be honest about when I didn’t want to, and he always respected it. And when we did make love, I liked bringing pleasure to him, seeing that side of him. I just didn’t get the same things out of it that he did, and I didn’t usually care for him to do things to me.”
“And he had a problem with that?”
“Well, in the beginning, it was a blow to his pride; he thought he just wasn’t good enough at doing what I liked. When I’d sufficiently assured him it wasn’t that, he thought it meant I didn’t feel the same way about him and that I was only appeasing him or that I didn’t want to hurt him by leaving. He thought it meant we were broken.” Castiel sighed. “It turned out...it was just me.”
Balthazar was suddenly crawling to Castiel’s end of the sofa, taking his face in his hands. “You are not broken, Castiel, and you did nothing wrong.”
Castiel rolled his eyes and tried to pull away.
“No.” Balthazar turned Castiel’s face back to him. “Listen to me. It’s perfectly all right you’re not obsessed with sex. It’s not for everyone. Some people don’t like chocolate. Sure, most people do—and maybe I don’t understand how anyone couldn’t—but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the people who don’t. It’s okay to not like a thing. It doesn’t make you broken, and it doesn’t mean you should try to like it anyway. You loved Dean. He may have thought it wasn’t in the right way, but there isn’t a right way to love someone.”
Castiel closed his eyes and swallowed, doing his best to ignore the tightness in his chest. When he felt he was no longer in danger of crying, he met Balthazar’s gaze. “Thank you,” he said, pouring as much sincerity into the two words as he could.
Balthazar nodded and moved back to his side of the couch.
Castiel took in his friend. “You’re not broken either, you know.”
Balthazar gaped at him for a moment before scowling. “Go back to your book.”
Castiel did, hands absently running patterns along Balthazar’s shins as he read about Achilles and Patroclus.
---
(this is part 1 of 5. The others are written but still being edited and will post over the next few days)
Castiel’s phone buzzed against the desk. He reached for it and unlocked it, staring down at a new message from his brother.
Gabriel: I approve.
Castiel frowned. “What?”
Gabriel: Of Balthazar and your crush on him. I approve.
Castiel rolled his eyes. He should never have admitted his feelings for his best friend to his brother…but Gabriel was hard to fool, and so a few weeks ago, Castiel finally had. “You already approved if your texts this morning were any indication
Gabriel: Yeah, but I was still a little skeptical. Now I’m not. You should definitely go for it
Castiel set his phone aside and dropped his head against the desk, thinking about Balthazar’s deer-in-the-headlights expression from this morning.
Yeah, Castiel was most certainly not going to go for it after that.
Around three thirty, Castiel finally gave up on trying to write or edit anything and began channeling his nervous energy into cleaning the apartment. Energy might have been a bad name for it, the late night had left him feeling particularly drained today in a way he hadn’t expected and was more than a little put out about. However, cleaning was at least the only thing he had the mental energy for, even if his body disagreed.
The floors weren’t awful and had been swept in the last few days, but they hadn’t been mopped in over a week, so he did that. The bathroom surfaces got frequent wipe-downs but he hadn’t scrubbed the shower in a few weeks, and it was due. The carpets had been vacuumed yesterday, but who cared; they got it again. He figured he might as well clean out the fridge. He had a few drawers that were less organized than he’d like them to be.
He was just removing the light fixture covers from the ceiling fan in the living room to soak them when Balthazar walked in.
Balthazar hung his keys and looked up. “Oh, well, look at you being industrious.”
Castiel huffed. “I had to get something done today. My brain seemed to want to focus on all the wrong things. I thought I’d at least get some cleaning done while it wandered.”
“Hm, I’ve had a similar problem today.” Balthazar sighed. “Cas, I need to say—”
Castiel unscrewed the second light cover and passed it to Balthazar to hold. “I ordered pizza. Tomorrow’s Saturday. I’m thinking we stay up late binging The Witcher and not think about our respective problems.”
Balthazar huffed a small laugh. “While I’m not against the general plan, I do need to say this. About this morning…”
Castiel finished loosening the final screw for the last fixture cover, stepped down from the coffee table, took the one he’d already set down and the one he’d handed to Balthazar and walked towards the kitchen. He would listen to whatever Balthazar had to say (and honestly needed to say some things himself), he owed him that, but he did need a minute.
He filled the sink with soapy water and gently set the glass covers in there to soak, dried his hands, took a deep breath, then turned back to his friend.
“I shouldn’t have cornered you like that. “Castiel started. “It was unfair of me. You were in the middle of being supportive, of being a good friend; and I’m sorry that I threw it back at you like that. You are completely entitled to the position of believing that I am worthy of a loving relationship while not being interested in me yourself. That doesn’t undermine what you’d been saying before.”
Balthazar stared at him for a moment, then visibly relaxed. “Thank you.” He winced. “Your question was…a surprise, but I should have handled myself better. And you’re right that my personal feelings or attraction have nothing to do with it, but, for the record—and I probably should shut my mouth, because I don’t want you to read too much into it, but—the answer was ‘yes.’”
Castiel sucked in a breath.
The doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it. That’ll be the pizza, right?” Balthazar walked towards the door.
Castiel stared after him, blinking. “Yes.”
“So,” Balthazar set the pizza and two-liter orange crush on the coffee table, “The Witcher, you said?”
“I’ve been wanting to re-watch it,” Castiel muttered, dazed.
“All right by me.” He kicked off his shoes and began walking towards the bedroom. I’m going to change and be right back. Cue it up?”
“Okay…” Castiel watched him walk away, mind reeling.
The answer was yes? What was that supposed to mean? Castiel had asked that as a practically rhetorical question, knowing the answer was no. He’d asked it to prove a point, not because he thought there was a possibility the answer may have been yes.
He grabbed the remote and pulled up Netflix, then found what he was looking for, also replaying in his mind the part where Balthazar had said that he didn’t want him to read too much into it. He decided he wouldn’t.
Balthazar returned and plopped onto the couch. “Coming?”
Castiel took a breath. “Yes.”
They were in episode three, during the sex scene between Istredd and Yennifer when Balthazar looked at him questioningly. “And this really doesn’t bother you to watch? You know it won’t bother me if you’d prefer to skip.”
Castiel chuckled. “It’s just kind of…odd. Honestly, I think it’s more uncomfortable for you than me, because it doesn’t really affect me. I’m just…watching a scene.”
“Oh, I’m not uncomfortable.”
“Of course not. My apologies.”
Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Well, if I am, it’s only because I have a space heater against me. How are you under that blanket?”
“It’s cold.” Castiel pulled the blanket tighter around him where he was leaned into Balthazar’s side.
Balthazar chuckled. “It’s really not.”
“Back to the sex scenes though, it does…make me think. It seems like the entire world is obsessed with sex. Is it really so strange to crave companionship and affection and not really care about the sex?”
Balthazar sighed and draped an arm over Castiel’s shoulders. “I don’t think so.” He looked away. Then, quietly, “Is it wrong to wish for it even if there are no butterflies involved?”
Castiel reached up a hand and pulled Balthazar’s gaze back to him. “Butterflies are overrated. Bees are much more practical,” he monotoned.
Balthazar laughed, and Castiel sucked in a breath. He could listen to that sound forever, but Balthazar frowned at him. He lifted a hand to Castiel’s on his cheek, then placed it on Castiel’s forehead, his neck. “You…really are warm. Are you certain you’re just tired from lack of sleep?”
Castiel shrugged, but almost as if on cue, his stomach suddenly sent up the signal that it wouldn't be housing the pizza for much longer.
Castiel jumped up and ran to the bathroom, throwing up the toilet lid and kneeling in front of it just in time.
“Oh god…” He heard Balthazar mutter from the doorway. “What—what can I do?”
“Shut the door,” Castiel barely got out before his stomach heaved again.
There was the sound of the door shutting, then Balthazar was kneeling beside him.
Castiel groaned. “I meant with you on the outside of it.” He heaved again.
“I’ll be right back.” Balthazar jumped up and ran out.
Castiel had barely nodded before everything locked up again, even though there wasn’t even anything left at this point. He reached out and pulled the lever to flush, then collapsed against the wall by the toilet.
“Hey…” Balthazar was kneeling in front of him again, offering him a wet rag to wipe his face and a glass of water.
Castiel took them both gratefully.
Balthazar threw the rag towards the sink then produced a bottle of Pepto and poured a dose. “Take this. It won’t help with the fever but it should help the nausea at least.”
Castiel did. “Thank you. Sorry for being pitiful.”
Balthazar set the bottle aside and refilled Castiel’s cup with water from the sink. “You’re not pitiful, you’re sick.” He pulled a fresh rag from the cabinet and wet it before coming back to kneel over Castiel. “And you cleaned the entire flat today while you were such.” He put a hand on Castiel’s forehead. “God you’re burning up…and pale.” He shook his head and began wiping at the sweat Castiel could feel running down his brow. “I’m going to run to the corner store and get you something for the fever. I’ll get some blue powerade while I’m there. It’s by far the most pleasant thing to throw up in my experience, masks the flavor better than anything.”
Castiel grimaced.
“Would you prefer something else?”
Castiel looked up at him and all he could think was how much he loved him, this man kneeling on the bathroom floor with him, this man staying in the room with him while he’d been puking his guts out, this man caring for him in what had to be the least attractive situation…all Castiel wanted was to crawl into his arms and stay there.
Castiel swallowed. “No…no powerade is good.”
“Okay.” Balthazar nodded. “Do you think you can make it to bed?”
Castiel sighed, considering it. “Probably, but I think it’d be wise to stay here for a while, just in case. It’s not really a matter of making it somewhere else so much as making back here in time should I need to.”
“Well, good that the bathroom’s recently scrubbed I suppose. I’ll go fetch you a pillow and blanket.” He was only gone a moment before he was back with items in hand. Balthazar knelt beside him. “Would you prefer to sit up or lie down?”
Castiel took a deep breath to quell another wave of nausea. It was getting a little better, whether because of the medicine or because he was lacking anything left to expel, he wasn’t sure; but he was mostly just a generic miserable now. “Down.”
“All right. Scoot this way…” He helped Castiel away from the wall enough to have room to lie down and shoved a pillow behind him for his head.
Castiel reached up and cupped a hand against the side of Balthazar’s face. “Does it…bother you...that I think I’m in love with you?”
Balthazar huffed and tucked a blanket around him. “You’re delirious.”
“I’m not.”
With a pained look in his eyes, Balthazar sighed. He covered Castiel’s hand on his face with his own, and turned to press a light kiss to Castiel’s palm before setting Castiel’s hand down on his chest and patting it. “Rest. I’ll return shortly.”
Castiel grabbed at him before he could stand. He needed Balthazar to understand what he was saying. “I’m not…I know you don’t want to be with me. I’m just asking if it bothers you for me to be in love with you?”
Balthazar looked pained. “You’re wrong.”
Castiel frowned up at him.
“Being with you…for me, it’d be everything. I just wouldn’t do that to you.”
Castiel sucked in a breath. “You think…you think you’re not enough for me…”
Balthazar gave him a look that said something like obviously, as though he couldn’t see that he was everything Castiel wanted. Balthazar reached out and brushed Castiel’s hair back from his forehead.
“You…you want to be with me…”
“Castiel, you are my best friend, my favorite person in the world, my partner in life and everything in it, and of course if I had my choice of lovers, that would also be you. But you are also apparently a complete idiot because why would you fall in love with someone who can’t love you back?”
“Can’t you?” Castiel pushed himself into a more upright position. “I know I’m probably not one to talk, but I think we’ve both let the world convince us of too narrow ways to love. I don’t care about romance. I don’t want you to be nervous and fall all over yourself around me. I don’t need you to think I hung the moon and can do no wrong. I don’t need you to get…butterflies or whatever. What I want is you to be there for me, to care about me, to be comfortable and open with me…and to you to let me do the same for you. I don’t love some Balthazar that you can’t become anyway; I love the one who makes me coffee in the mornings, who defends me, who will crawl into my bed in the middle of the night and hold me to comfort me, who’ll sit on the bathroom floor with me when I’m sick. I even love the Balthazar who talks to me in the middle of the night and keeps me awake at all hours.” He took a deep breath. “So, I guess I’m asking again…does it bother you that I’m in love with you?”
“Cas…” He hated the look in Balthazar’s eyes, so vulnerable, scared. Of course he would be. He’d had much the same experience with relationships as Castiel had. “You know better. You know it’s different for me.”
“That’s not what I asked. Does it bother you?”
“It scares me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to mess up our friendship. I don’t...I don’t know if I can change.”
Castiel scowled at him. “I’m not asking you to change.”
“Oh? Don’t take this the wrong way, Castiel, but you know me.”
“Do you love me?”
“Yes, but I can’t give you what you want.”
“Can’t you…” Castiel placed a hand on his side. “When you spent the night in my bed, or when we watch shows curled up on the couch together, does that bother you?”
Balthazar sighed. “No. It’s nice. I like closeness. I like affection.”
“Me too.”
“But I don’t think it means the same thing to me as it does to you.”
“Does that bother you?”
“Of course!”
“Why?”
“Because some day, you’re going to wish it did.”
Castiel leaned forward, taking Balthazar’s face in his hands. “I think that if anyone were going to understand that it’s okay for something to not mean the same thing to two people, that as long as they’re good with it, then it’s good. Do you remember me talking to you about Dean?”
Balthazar stilled. “Castiel…
“He thought that because we experienced love, passion, and affection differently...that I didn’t want to be with him. He thought that because when we made love, because the experience was different for me, that I didn’t want him.”
“This is different,” Balthazar whispered.
Castiel raised an eyebrow. “Is it?”
“Some day, you’re going to wish I loved you the right way.”
“I believe a wise friend once told me...that there is no right way to love someone.”
“Cas…”
“I enjoy your companionship. I believe you enjoy mine.”
“I do.”
“And you like my affection.
“I do.”
“Does it bother you that I’d like to kiss you?”
“It’s not the same for me as it is for you.”
“That’s not what I asked. Would you like to kiss me?”
Balthar huffed. “Not with that mouth. I do love you and have ever been attracted to you but those things have limits. Brush your teeth first.”
Castiel laughed. “Is that…a yes?”
Balthazar swallowed. “Yeah. I think it’d be fun. Honestly, I have to stop myself from doing it accidentally all the time.”
“Yeah…me too.” He took a deep breath. “Do you love me?” he breathed.
“Castiel...it’s not the same for me.”
“Again, that’s not what I asked.”
“You are my best friend, and I adore you, and I want to care for you and be your partner, in everything, always.”
Castiel could feel everything inside himself unwinding, falling into place. “That sounds like love to me.” He took Balthazar’s face in his hands. “That’s enough for me. Is it enough for you?”
Balthazar let out something between a laugh and a sob. “It’s everything.”
Castiel smiled. “Good. Then, if it’s okay, love me in your way, and I’ll love you in mine.”
Balthazar nodded. He turned his face into one of Castiel’s hands and kissed it. “I—yes, I’d like that very much.”
Castiel licked his lips. “Just so you know, as soon as I’m well, I plan to push you against a wall and kiss the hell out of you.”
Balthazar broke into a laugh. He looked at Castiel, eyes glistening. “Just so we’re clear, as soon as you’re well, I intend to let you.”
Balthazar considered for a moment before texting back. “I refuse to bring work home tonight. What did you have in mind?”
Castiel: “I am determined to stop obsessing over this draft until I’ve heard back from my editor and I’m needing something to distract me. I was thinking takeout, popcorn, and binging the rest of Stranger Things.”
Balthazar smiled down at his phone. “Sounds brilliant. Call us in an order at that Thai and Japanese Kitchen—get me that thing I like but can’t ever remember the name of—and I’ll pick that up along with some daiquiris on the way home. I should be leaving here in 10 or so.”
Castiel: “I love you.”
“Love you too, darling.”
“Hot date?”
Balthazar looked up to see Gabriel grinning at him over the edge of his cubicle. He rolled his eyes. “Hot? Certainly. Date? No.”
Gabriel tisked. “Oh, come on. You and Hannah broke up months ago. You gotta get back out there!”
Balthazar snorted. This wasn’t about Hannah; he was simply increasingly sure that he wasn’t built for relationships and should probably stop inflicting that on people. “I’ll pass, thanks.”
“Of course, by ‘get back out there,’ what I really mean is that you and my brother should just hook up already.”
“Absolutely not.”
Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Puh-lease.. You can’t tell me you haven’t at least thought about it. You guys are practically married anyway. And god knows he could use a little fun.”
Balthazar scowled at him. “Firstly, don’t be so concerned with your brother’s sex life; it’s weird.” He stood and began gathering his things to leave. “Secondly, you know Castiel isn’t…well, that he isn’t exactly into hook-ups.” Balthazar looked up and pointed a finger at Gabriel. “And you’ll do well to respect that. Finally, your brother and his friendship mean far too much for me to ruin everything over filling a lonely night during a dry spell, so I’ll thank you not to bring it up again.”
Gabriel hummed. “So, you’re lonely at night?”
“Oh, for the love of...”
“You know, if Cassie isn’t interested, I could—”
“Good bye, Gabriel.” Balthazar walked out the door before Castiel’s brother decided to offer any more appalling ideas.
“Stop judging us, Netflix,” Castiel’s voice rumbled above him as Are you still watching? popped up on the screen between episodes.
Balthazar just hummed, enjoying the fingertips that were scratching along his scalp as he lay sprawled out on the couch with his head in Castiel’s lap.
Balthazar grinned up at him. “Obviously.” He sat up and grabbed the empty popcorn bowl from the coffee table. “But first, more popcorn. Anything else you’d like from the kitchen while I’m up?”
Castiel shook his head and stood. “No, but I think I’m going to change while you do that.”
“Why did you get dressed today, anyway? Isn’t one of the perks of working from home lounging around in pajamas? Or did you go somewhere?”
Castiel huffed. “I was struggling to feel motivated today and sometimes it helps, but I’m tired of it now.”
Balthazar chuckled. “Off with you, then,” he said, waving Castiel towards the bedroom as he walked into the kitchen. He set the empty bowl on the counter and rummaged through the cupboard for a fresh bag. “Oi, Cas!” he called when he couldn’t spot one. “Was that the last of the popcorn?”
“What?!” he heard Castiel’s voice from the hall.
Balthazar turned around to try again, only to be confronted by a mostly naked Castiel, standing in the doorway in his underpants, holding the shirt he’d been wearing, and in the act of kicking off his jeans. Balthazar blinked. Best friend or not, Castiel was truly attractive. He would like to blame Gabriel for having it in the forefront of his mind, but the truth was that the more comfortable he and Castiel were in each other’s space and with each other’s affection, the harder it was to not…well, be comfortable with other types of attention and affection.
Balthazar shook off the thought. “I don’t see any more popcorn.” He gestured to the cupboard. “Was that the last bag?”
Castiel chuckled and walked to the kitchen, stepping out of his jeans and tossing his discarded shirt on the couch as he passed it. “I didn’t buy microwave bags last time. I got this kettle corn instead.” He stretched up to pull a jar of corn kernels from the top shelf along with some oil before reaching around Balthazar to pull the salt from a different cabinet.
Balthazar did his best to not take advantage of the full display of lean muscle and tanned skin moving and reaching around him. He wasn’t sure what expression was on his face when Castiel turned to hand him the kernels, but whatever it was caused Castiel to pause.
“You…” Castiel frowned. “Do you need me to make it?”
Balthazar rolled his eyes. “I know how to make popcorn, love.”
“You look confused, or…something.”
Balthazar snorted. “Let’s just call it something, shall we?” He held up the bottle of oil and shook it in front of Castiel. “Now, run along and put on a shirt before those lovely muscles of yours tempt me into finding another use for this oil, hm?” He turned and made himself busy finding the perfect pot for cooking popcorn and decidedly not ogling the best friend next to him.
Castiel started to say something but paused and looked down at himself and blushed when he realized his state of undress. “Oh. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
Balthazar chuckled and shook his head. “It’s fine. I—” But Castiel still looked embarrassed. Balthazar chewed his lip, looking for the right words. “Look, you know I didn’t mean it like that, right? Well, I did, in that you’re objectively attractive, yes, but I promise I don't mean anything by it. I wouldn’t…I’d never, you know, try anything.”
Castiel gave him a soft smile. “I know that.”
“Does it bother you?” Balthazar chanced; then, when Castiel frowned in confusion, he added, “Me finding you attractive?”
Castiel considered that for a moment. “No,” he seemed to decide. “It doesn’t feel...predatory...coming from you.”
Balthazar sighed. “Good. Because it truly isn't.”
“I know.” Then Castiel smirked, “So...you think I’m attractive?”
Balthazar rolled his eyes. “I may not understand romance, but I do understand attraction, and I’m certainly not oblivious to your charms. Now, go put on some bloody clothes while I make our popcorn.”
Castiel laughed and headed back towards the bedroom. He paused in the entrance to the hallway and looked over his shoulder. “For the record,” he said, “I’m not oblivious to you either.”
Balthazar huffed a small laugh. He looked over his shoulder, batting his eyes at Castiel. “Is this your way of telling me that you find me becoming?”
Castiel’s lips pressed into a line as though he were fighting a smirk. “Maybe.”
Balthazar finally realized that the pot already sitting on the stove was likely the one Castiel had used for the first batch. He lifted the lid, confirming, and pretended not to hear Castiel snicker behind him, then turned and leaned against the counter, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. “I thought you weren’t into that sort of thing.”
Castiel shrugged. “I’m not particularly into sex. That doesn’t mean I don’t find you aesthetically pleasing.” Then, he turned and was gone.
Balthazar took a deep breath and turned back to the stove. He covered the bottom of the pot in oil and placed one kernel in to let him know when it was hot enough, then dropped his chin to his chest and tapped his fingers on the counter as he waited. “Fuck,” he breathed, pushing away from the counter and running a hand through his hair. He reminded himself that for most, the line between friends and lovers was a little less blurry than for him, and the last thing he wanted to do was lead his best friend on. Rein it in, you bastard. Castiel is off-limits.
And he was. Castiel was so, so very off-limits. Castiel, who had been Balthazar’s best friend ever since he could remember, who was so kind and loyal and loving and gentle and giving and—and who deserved better, deserved more. Castiel deserved to be adored and cherished and singularly worshiped. He deserved fairy tales and the kind of love that people would write songs about, and Balthazar just...really liked being around the guy and sometimes thought it'd be enjoyable to get to kiss him, too.
The kernel popped.
Balthazar fished it out, threw a scoop of fresh kernels into the pot, and slammed the lid.
No. He couldn’t be what Castiel deserved.
Someone would be, though. Some day, someone was going to come around who could see just how amazing Castiel friend was, sweep Balthazar’s best friend off of his feet, and leave Balthazar with a very Castiel-shaped hole in his life where late-night talks and morning coffee and movie nights and friendship and care and affection and intimacy used to be. Someone was going to be amazing and deserving and was going to give Castiel the love that he’d dreamt of.
Whoever it was…Balthazar loved him for it, but he also already couldn’t stand him.
Castiel crossed his arms on top of his dresser and dropped his head to them, breathing slowly.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Why was he letting everything get to him like this?
Castiel had been fostering a crush on Balthazar for…a while. It was difficult to put a finger on exactly when his feelings for his best friend had shifted from purely platonic, but over time, they had.
He was usually able to ignore it though. Certainly, it was an ever-present hum in the back of his mind, but it usually didn’t affect their time together so much as exist as a thing that Castiel would take out and examine when he was alone. It was a thing that he would lie in bed and yearn for long after Balthazar had fallen asleep. Usually, his crush on Balthazar was a thing that his mind would indulge within the safety of dreams and fantasies, but lay dormant during their waking interactions.
Usually, Love you too, darling would not have been playing on repeat in his mind since the moment he’d read it and you're objectively attractive wouldn't have sent him reeling. Usually, Castiel didn’t say dumb things like tell Balthazar how aesthetically pleasing he was. Usually, Castiel could let Balthazar rest his head in his lap and run his fingers through Balthazar’s hair without the urge to caress his face and tell him he was everything Castiel wanted…
Because Castiel had accepted a long time ago that he could not give Balthazar what he wanted. After all, Balthazar loved sex but would balk if he knew the flood of emotions and longing currently threatening to burst out of Castiel or how Castiel would happily spend the rest of his life with him.
Balthazar had tried to explain it to Castiel, what he saw in sex. He said liked the rush of it, the pleasure of it, the intimacy of it. He liked wanting and feeling wanted. He liked the closeness and connection that came with entrusting your bodies to each other entirely.
Some of those things, Castiel could understand. Perhaps not to the degree that Balthazar craved them(or at least not in the form which Balthazar craved those things), but he could understand. Yet…he’d been down such a road before, and he doubted that Balthazar would ever be satisfied in what Castiel could give him.
No, he couldn’t be what Balthazar wanted.
Someone could be though. Someone, some day would come along who would match Balthazar perfectly, who would see how amazing he was and never accuse him of being shallow or uncaring as some had, who would have the same types of desires and not be worried about the things Balthazar couldn’t give, who would see all the love and care that Balthazar did give.
“Castiel!” Balthazar’s voice called from the living room. “The popcorn’s done. Are you coming?”
Castiel pushed off of the dresser with a sigh and grabbed a t-shirt and some gray sweatpants from the drawers. “I’ll be right out!”
Yes. Someone, some day, would be exactly what Balthazar wanted.
Whoever it was…Castiel was grateful for them, but he already couldn’t stand them.
The sound of Balthazar’s phone alarm pulled Castiel from his dreams. He squeezed his eyes shut and rebelled against consciousness. He could feel Balthazar pulling away with a low grumble as he stretched to reach the phone on the other side of the bedside table then come back with a low, “Ugh, got it,” he mumbled as he turned back. “Now, hush, will you?”
Castiel heard a soft thud that was probably the phone dropping to the floor and a muttered “five more minutes…” and then Balthazar was wrapping an arm back around Castiel and pulling him against his chest.
I could get used to this, Castiel thought.
Balthazar sighed and brushed at the curls at the back of Castiel’s neck. “Sorry, love. Didn’t mean to wake you.” Balthazar whispered.
Castiel wound his arm behind Balthazar’s back and buried his face in Balthazar’s neck. “You didn’t. I’m still asleep.”
Balthazar snorted.
Before long, Castiel felt Balthazar pulling away, gently untangling himself from both Castiel and the blankets. Castiel frowned and held on.
Balthazar chuckled and brushed the hair back from Castiel’s forehead. “I need to get up. I had set my alarm later than usual after we stayed up so late finishing the show.” Castiel felt Balthazar brush his hair back and press a kiss to his temple with a whispered, “Go back to sleep. I’ll see you tonight.” Then, Balthazar untangled himself and was gone.
The bedroom door shut, and Castiel lay there, suddenly very much awake, his brain simultaneously catching up to a few things and trying to put them back in their place.
It doesn’t mean anything, he reminded himself. It didn’t mean anything that Balthazar had stayed and fallen asleep with him last night instead of going back to his own bed. It didn’t mean anything that Balthazar seemed to have woken up unbothered by it or that he’d even stayed to lay here and hold him longer or that he’d kissed him as he left. They’d always been comfortable and affectionate with each other, and living together the last few years had only served to enhance that. None of this meant—it didn’t mean—
Surely, Balthazar would never consider Castiel in the same light that Castiel considered him, and even if he did want a relationship with Castiel…
Well, he’d surely never be very satisfied by it.
Would he?
Castiel groaned and rolled out of bed. He fumbled through his dresser for a fresh pair of boxers and his softest pair of jeans, knowing there was no way his mind was letting him go back to sleep now.
Balthazar dragged himself begrudgingly from the bedroom and towards the kitchen, shutting the door quietly behind him.
He hadn’t really intended to spend the rest of the night—well, morning, he supposed—in Castiel’s bed instead of his own, but he certainly wasn’t complaining. Falling asleep tangled up in someone and waking pressed against a warm body were luxuries that Balthazar could certainly appreciate. It didn’t hurt that Castiel was so warm and looked so soft and peaceful when he slept.
He washed out the coffee pot and, thinking about how late they were up, set it to brew at eleven (Castiel would probably sleep until at least then), then put water on for tea (in the KETTLE like a civilized person, thank you). He considered making breakfast, but ultimately decided he didn’t have time and opted for a bowl of cereal instead.
First things first though. While the water heated for his tea, he went through his morning bathroom routine and pulled his work clothes from the dryer, stepping into the trousers then pushing his arms into the sleeves of his button up on his way back to the kitchen.
He was just pouring a bowl of cheerios when he heard the bedroom door, and turned to see Castiel coming out of it, trousers on but hair still looking a sleepy mess.
“Could you not fall back asleep?”
Castiel ran a hand through his hair and walked to join him. “Not really. I don’t hate getting an early start on work anyway.”
Balthazar chuckled as he reached over to hit brew on the coffee maker. “Yes, you absolutely do. I should apologize for keeping you up late and then waking you early.”
“You should. It was awful of you,” Castiel muttered, leaning forward and resting his head on Balthazar’s shoulder.
Balthazar laughed and patted the back of Castiel’s head. “There there. Go sit at the table and I’ll be right over.” While Castiel collapsed at the table looking more like a pile of laundry than something with bones, Balthazar grabbed Castiel’s favorite rainbow bee mug, filled it with an even mix of coffee and vanilla instant breakfast shake (since Castiel wasn’t hungry in the mornings, but Balthazar insisted he certainly needed something at least semi-nutritious to start the day), turned off the kettle and poured the water into a mug and added a bag of tea to steep, then poured milk over his Cheerios and carried them and the coffee to the table, sliding the latter across to Castiel.
“Thank you,” said Castiel, looking up and accepting the mug as though Balthazar had just passed him ambrosia of the gods. He took a sip, humming contentedly, then pulled his phone out of his pocket and began thumbing through it. He groaned and set it back down.
Balthazar took a bite and raised an eyebrow at him. “Yes?”
“It’s Gabriel.”
Balthazar took another bite. Castiel and his brother got along well, but Gabriel was certainly fond of exasperating him even if it was largely out of love. He waved his spoon at him. “What’s he on about now?”
Castiel pressed his lips together, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to tell him. He scowled down at the phone. “He’s…trying to set me up with someone from work.”
Balthazar made a face. “What? Who?” He thought for a minute, then rolled his eyes. “Good lord, It’s Mick, isn’t it? That man’s been into you since the first time he laid eyes on you at that Christmas party.”
Castiel shrugged. “He didn’t say a name specifically, but I think it’s a moot point.”
Balthazar stood to take his bowl to the sink. “Why’s that?” he asked over his shoulder as he began to rinse it out.
Castiel looked away and didn’t answer.
Balthazar grabbed a towel to dry his hands and leaned against the counter. He frowned across the room at his friend. “You don’t even want to know who it is? Gabriel may have questionable tastes, but he does know yours. You may get on with whoever he’s trying to set you up with.”
Castiel stared decidedly into his coffee. “It doesn’t matter. Even if we get along well…”
“Is this about what happened with Dean?”
“Balthazar…”
“Castiel, Dean was a fool who let his preconceptions about relationships get in the way of a good thing.”
“It wasn’t wrong of him to have needs.”
“No, that’s true,” Balthazar grabbed his tea and walked back to the table, “but I think in the case of you two, it wasn’t even about needs so much as about him not understanding.”
“You don’t know that,” he spoke into his coffee. “I don’t think a relationship is in the cards for me, Balthazar. I’m not exactly…satisfying…in the way most people want from a relationship. Understanding doesn’t help if I’m still not enough.”
Balthazar took just a second to control his fury that Castiel still didn’t get this. “Hey,” he reached across the table and grabbed one of Castiel’s hands, “Look at me. If you don’t want to be with anyone, There’s nothing wrong with that. Society puts way too much emphasis on the entire institution anyway. However, if you don’t want to be alone, then don’t you dare think that you have to be or that someone wouldn’t be incredibly fortunate to be with you or that couldn’t find you perfectly ‘satisfying.’ Castiel…you are amazing in every way, and you are certainly more than ‘enough.’”
Castiel finally looked up at him. “For you?”
Balthazar froze. “Wh—what?
Castiel took a breath. “Would I be enough for you? Would you find me satisfying?”
Balthazar felt his stomach drop. He sat back in his chair. “I…”
Castiel blinked and looked away.
“Cassie, that’s not—I—I’m not—”
Castiel stood and took his cup to the sink. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t put you on the spot like that. I don’t expect you to answer.” He set his cup down and turned towards the bedroom. “You’re about to be late for work. I’ll see you tonight.” He shut the door behind him, leaving Balthazar to stare wide-eyed into the empty space.
Hours later, Balthazar was sat at his desk, staring blankly at the monitor, unable to get the question out of his head.
Would I be enough for you?
He wondered what he should have said. The answer was yes. Of course it was. Balthazar had thought many times how being with Castiel, someone who understood him and accepted him and whose company Balthazar never grew weary of, would be the most ideal thing he could think of. Castiel was already his best friend, the one with whom he wanted to spend all of his time. It was already difficult to remind himself sometimes that he was probably more comfortable with Castiel than strictly appropriate outside of a romantic relationship (please see them sharing a bed and cuddling together last night). Oh, how easy it would be to simply not have to keep redrawing the line between friends and lovers, a line he’s never quite understood to begin with.
And Balthazar would not make the same mistakes with Castiel that others had. Balthazar knew him, he understood him, and he would gladly accept Castiel as he was and without making claims about Castiel’s feelings contrary to what Castiel himself claimed them to be.
But how could he tell Castiel all of this without sounding like—like…like Balthazar wanted more than he himself could give? How could he reassure his friend without also leading him on if Castiel had somehow developed feelings for him?
One thing Balthazar did know: he surely couldn’t leave things as he had this morning.
“You okay there? You’ve been mugging that screensaver for a while. If you hate it that much, I’m sure you can change it.”
Balthazar sighed and leaned back in his chair, looking up. “Hi, Gabirel.”
Gabriel came around into his cubicle and leaned against his desk. “Anyway, it’s lunch time and I was thinking about going to that taco stand across the street. Wanna come?”
Balthazar hummed and stood from his desk. “I probably could use the fresh air…” or genuinely anything to distract him and stop his brain from continuing to run in these circles.
“That kind of morning, huh?” Gabriel waved to the front desk as they passed.
“Something like that, yes. Thank you,” he added when Gabriel held the front door.
“You know,” Gabriel grinned salaciously, “I know what can relieve some of that tension…”
Balthazar rolled his eyes. “You think that’s the answer to everything.”
“I mean…I just think you can’t know if you don’t try. It fixes a lot.”
THey passed Mick coming in from the parking lot.
“Bal! Gabe! Hey, if you’re meeting Castiel for lunch, tell him I said ‘hi,’ okay? We need to all go out some time. I haven’t seen him in too long.”
Balthazar opened his mouth. “We’re not—”
“Yeah, we’ll do that!” Gabriel interrupted. “Later, Mick!”
Balthazar glared at him as they continued across the street. “Please, tell me that’s not who you’re trying to set Castiel up with.”
Gabriel looked confused. “I what now?”
Balthazar rolled his eyes and looked up at the menu above the window, even though he knew it by heart and almost always got the same thing. “Castiel told me you’re trying to set him up with someone from work, and look, I like Mick fine, but he stares at Cas like he’s a piece of meat or something, so please tell me it’s not him.” He looked back at Gabriel.
Gabriel smirked and tilted his head. “Cassie told you that, did he? Well, what if it is? Do you have a problem with that?”
“Of course I’ve got a bloody problem with it. Mick just wants to fuck him, and I’m not saying that’s wrong in general, but you and I both know it’s wrong for Cas.”
Gabriel stared at Balthazar, eyes more serious than his light shrug would have him seem. ”Who knows, it might fix him.”
Balthazar grabbed Gabriel by the lapels and pulled him so that they were inches apart, face-to-face. ”Fuck you,” He growled. “Cas isn’t broken. He’s perfect. So, stop trying to ‘fix’ him.”
Oddly, Gabriel’s face slowly transformed into a wide grin.
“Excuse me. Sirs? Are you ready to order? If you’re going to fight, please, don’t do it here.”
Balthazar sighed and released Gabriel, turning to the window. “Sorry. Yes, I’ll have…” He rattled off his order, deciding with surety that he and Castiel were going to talk when he got home, even if he still wasn’t sure what to say.
(Part 1: You Knew Who I Was) (Part 2: With Every Step)
Part 3: That I Ran
Balthazar lay staring at the ceiling in their shared room, mind too full and too reeling to sleep. “How does it feel to be in love?” he directed to the other side of the room where he could hear that Castiel was getting no more sleep than Balthazar was. Castiel didn’t snore, but the change in breathing when he slipped into sleep was rather distinct.
Castiel sighed and rolled over in his bed. “Balthazar…” he groaned in a tired voice that was low and rough and—sue him—did things to Balthazar. “It’s two in the morning.”
Balthazar turned his head and squinted through the darkness. “Oh good. It’s the perfect time to have this talk, then.”
“You have work at eight.”
“But you don’t have to be up at any specific time, so why are you worried?”
Castiel sighed heavily, seeming for all as though he were wondering what he’d done to deserve this. “Yes, but if you don’t get enough sleep then I live with you and will have to deal with your crankiness.”
Balthazar waited.
“Okay.” Castiel took a moment. “I think it’s different for everyone…”
Balthazar rolled his eyes even though Castiel couldn’t see it. “Indulge me. What does it feel like for you?”
“I wasn’t done,” Castiel huffed. “As I was saying, I think it’s somewhat different for everyone, and I think…that it’s also different with everyone. Every person is different, so every relationship is different…or at least I believe it should be. People are not all the same, so why should the rules for relationships be?”
Balthazar had barely opened his mouth.
“Don’t complain that that doesn’t help; let me think.”
Balthazar fought down a chuckle.
“When you start to fall in love with someone,” Castiel continued, “for me at least, it—it feels like you’ve found the most interesting and wonderful person to ever exist. You think that they’re intriguing and funny and beautiful, and at first you don’t realize you feel anything out of the ordinary about them except that they stand out to you. You assume that everyone surely notices them and sees all those things about them, because—because they’re amazing; and then it’s very confusing when you find out that other people don’t notice and fixate on that person the way you do.”
Balthazar hummed an acknowledgement that he was listening.
“Then—you don’t always recognize it as it’s happening, but—one day, you realize that, at some point and perhaps without your permission, your entire world has shifted, and somehow your existence seems to have reshaped itself around one person.”
Balthazar shifted in his bed. That sounded…intense. “Is that…how you felt about Dean?”
“Yes.” Castiel’s voice was quiet. “I would have gone with him anywhere.”
“Hey…” At the sound of pain in Castiel’s voice, Balthazar pushed his comforter down and padded across the room to Castiel’s bed. “None of that. Make room.”
“What are you…?” Castiel began as Balthazar lightly pushed him towards the wall. He sighed. “Fine, come on.” Castiel lifted the blanket and moved away to make room for Balthazar to join him.
Balthazar worked an arm under Castiel’s head as he lay down and draped the other arm over him. He felt like an imbecile who couldn’t learn the lesson of not bringing up painful history. “I apologize. I didn’t intend to trouble you.”
Castiel huffed. “I’m not troubled.”
“You are.” It was dark, but Castiel’s scowl was hard to miss anyway. He began stroking a hand along Castiel’s spine. “I’m sorry, both that you were hurt and for my bringing it up. We don’t have to talk about it.”
Castiel lay breathing for a moment and seemed to relax a little in Balthazar’s arms. “It’s fine,” he finally said, “but…why are you asking?”
Balthazar’s hand wandered up, and he began absently playing with the soft curls along Castiel’s neck, thinking. “It’s a complicated subject for me and one I remain curious about, because…well, I do understand the appeal of a relationship; I just never never feel as though I’m doing it correctly.”
Castiel shifted and wound an arm around Balthazar’s waist. “Our society puts far too much weight on romance as the highest form of love. It’s not. It’s simply a form of it. If you don’t feel like you’re missing anything in your life without it, then you’re not. If it doesn’t appeal to you, you shouldn’t force yourself.”
“I’m not. It’s more…” He sighed, searching for words that explained it. “It’s not that I don’t see the appeal of a romantic partner. Believe me. It’s why I’ve tried so many times. I think it would be nice to know that someone would always be there, to have someone for whom I cared deeply and who cared for me. I enjoy relationships; I simply don’t enjoy people telling me how I’m supposed to feel while I’m in one. And people do insist that you’re supposed to feel a certain way about that person, that they’re somehow supposed to feel innately different than all the other people you love aside from perhaps being your strongest bond; and I think that if I were able to experience that feeling, I would have by now.”
“You…want a companion…” There was a significant level of surprise and awe in Castiel’s expression and voice over something that Balthazar would have thought obvious. “It’s not—you don’t date for sex?”
Balthazar huffed. “If that were all, I would forgo the entire institution and simply meet people in bars. Sex is a nice perk, a really nice perk…but no, that’s not why I date, not the whole of it anyway. Aside from the fact that sex is much more pleasant to me when it’s someone I know and trust and have a connection with—I honestly have trouble even being attracted to someone physically that I don’t already like as a person—but that is simply one of the many things I enjoy about being with someone.”
“Huh…” Castiel tucked his head beneath Balthazar’s chin. “Are you lonely?” he whispered.
Balthazar held his best friend as they lay there in the soft glow of streetlights through the window and wondered why love couldn’t feel like this. Why couldn’t it feel like having a best friend whom you trusted and who felt like home and whom you could hold in your arms, not because you felt aflame but because you were that comfortable with each other?
Balthazar closed his eyes and ran his fingers further into Castiel’s hair. “No, but I imagine I shall be someday.”
Castiel pulled back and looked up at him. “Why?”
He swallowed. Because, someday, someone’s going to see you for everything wonderful that you are, and they’re going to sweep you off your feet; and I can’t even ask you not to leave me, because I can’t give you what you need. “Because I don’t want people the same way they want me.”
Castiel’s voice was serious. “Neither do I.”
Basthazar let out a breath. “I suppose not.” His thumb traced the lines of Castiel’s cheekbones. “You know, sometimes I wonder how much easier it would be to be normal like everyone else.”
“Ha, ‘normal,’” Castiel scoffed, and if his hands were free, Balthazar knew they’d be forming quotation marks. “Having seen the divorce rate, I don’t believe things are so easy for the rest of the dating world either.”
Balthazar chuckled and tucked Castiel’s head back against his chest, his hand resuming its earlier path through Castiel’s hair. “No, I suppose it’s not as though they’re doing spectacularly.” They lay there quietly for a while, Balthazar’s mind wandering over their conversation. “Hey…” he swallowed, “The way you described falling in love, how it felt for you…is that normal? What I mean is…do you think others would describe it the same way? Have you felt that way for anyone else? Or was it just…”
It took Castiel a moment to answer. “I don’t fall in love easily,” he said. “I don’t…think it’s this way for everyone, but for me, there has to be a strong connection before I’m able to even consider someone in a romantic light. I suppose that’s not unlike how you said people are more sexually appealing when it’s someone with whom you feel a connection, but it takes me…a particularly long time. Usually, it’s only when I’ve been friends with someone for years. And…falling in love is a little different every time, but to answer at least part of your question…yes, the feeling I described, I’ve felt that way more than once.”
Balthazar took a moment to process that.
“I can’t tell if this conversation is helping or leaving you more confused.”
“A bit of both I believe.” Balthazar chuckled. “I have to be honest, being in love sounds a bit horrifying.”
Castiel laughed suddenly against his chest. “It is. To give that much of yourself to someone…and hope that they even actually want it…it’s terrifying.”
“But good…” it must be, or so many wouldn’t do it, “right?”
Castiel’s fingers pressed into his sides. “...It can be,” he breathed.
Balthazar thought about that, about everything Castiel had described, about having someone who was central to your world and mind in a way that others perhaps didn’t understand and that didn’t match how those others thought of them. “It sounds…not too different from having a best friend that perhaps others don’t seem to get the way you do.”
Castiel hummed. “Yes, it can be a lot like that.”
Balthazar huffed into the darkness. “Well, that wouldn’t be so bad you know? A best friend that you get to kiss.”
“No.” There was something in Castiel’s voice even as his arms wound tighter around him that Balthazar couldn’t quite place. “That wouldn’t be so bad.”
