Water Your Plants (Alfie x Friend!Reader)
Pairing: Alfie x Reader (surprisingly gender neutral)
Summary: Alfie makes his friend join him carrying out his doctor’s suggestions.
Length: 699 words
Warnings: Cursin’ and all that. Grumpy Alfie. Comparing plants to children.
A/N: I def have less of a romantic crush on Alfie and more of a friend/platonic crush so more friend fics coming. Hopefully this is fun for my ace and aromantic peeps too. Love you!
"You know, I never wanted to be a part of this world you live in. And yet, here you are making me a serial murderer.”
“Fuckin’ ‘ell.”
“It’s going to die, just like the others.”
“Well with that fuckin’ attitude.” Alfie frowned at you as he watched you fluff the leaves on his latest gift from the plant nursery. Though you didn’t ask for this and never showed interest in plants, Alfie would point out that “in the end, y/n, this is your bloody doin'.”
You’d made him start seeing his doctor regularly, which meant he had to start making changes in his lifestyle. One of those being to get indoor plants that cleaned the air so Alfie's lungs could breathe something other than London smog. Posh doctors, posh advice. But whatever Alfie did, he brought you along. Five dead plants later, you were placing the latest attempt on the windowsill in your parlor.
“You're right. This one definitely seems like it has a bit of a backbone, some resilience maybe.” You mused.
“You've just got to fuckin' take the glass of water you pass up for spirits, right, and throw it in the general direction of the leafy, green thing, yeah?”
"Ha, ha, ha." You rolled your eyes, though he wasn't wrong. He never was, which was incredibly annoying. You had to admit that, along with the shop you owned, your time was filled with the exciting new things London’s nightlife had to offer. Late nights dancing, champagne at breakfasts that started at noon, and jazz, so much jazz. All of this led to you barely being at home, and when you were, between long hot baths and your bed, thoughts about taking care of a living thing other than yourself didn’t come to mind. Even that was a tall order at times.
"Where's that woman you pay to mind to you like a fuckin' child? Ask her for help."
“Don't be rude. Gerty is house staff and very nice. She's always running around, so I'll mention though I can't say she'll make it a priority. I’m a handful, and she has to deal with it, bless her heart.”
"You need to take in somethin' other than this," He took a deep breath of the breeze coming through the window, wafting his hand. "Fuckin' city filth, mate. This shit will put you in bad health with me, won't it? It's for your own good, cheer up."
“Look, admittedly I thought this was going to be similar to the time that I broke a dish when I was younger so my ma wouldn’t ask me to wash dishes again, but clearly me raising this, um,”
“Fern. A brilliant little thing with many benefits and whatnot,” he began, but you stopped him before receiving way too much information about your new responsibility.
“Yes, me raising this baby fern plant will bring you some sick, twisted pleasure because you know it will be taxing for me.”
“You don’t fuckin’ raise a plant, mate. Do you really have no concept of the difference in caring for a child and a fucking plant?”
“The Wandering Jew, a spokesperson for mother nature and clean air. Who would've thought it? Ollie told me you’ve been thinking about a garden. You’re such a domestic.”
“Ridiculous,” he chided you. With a sigh, you looked back at the potted fern. If this was all that was needed to support your friend and get him to take his pills and use his cane and breathe clean air, who were you to say no.
“Fine, I'll try my best. I’m delighted you’re actually listening to your doctor, and if you need me to keep this alive to keep going, then I will. I will try, I mean.”
“Well, you may have been right about seeing seein’ the doc.” His words weren't quick or muddled enough to stop them from reaching your ears. You turned to him so quickly you thought you’d need a doctor of your own for whiplash. Raising a hand to cup your ear, you leaned towards him.
“Come again? What was that you just said?”
“I said water your bloody plant this time 'round!”
“Love you, too.”
