#arpg:tasks

[alostskies]

T A S K ∞ 0 0 1

F E A R S:

Ironically enough, I'm not afraid of a lot of things. Like sure, I'm not the biggest fan of spiders and being buried alive- but it feels like nothing compared to reality. Like I live, but I don't live here, with everyone else. I like to be inside my head because that's where I belong. I'm not some curly haired freak with a constant bad hair day- nor am I the little troll that parties way too much for her age. I'm normal and the skies are always blue and things get better. My parents actually care when I stay out too late and help me to bed when I stumble inside the house feeling like dirt. I daydream a lot because that's where I live. But, going back to the whole fear aspect. I'm afraid of being me. I'm afraid that I'll be stuck being Skie and I'll just fade into the world. Not making a difference and no one caring. Like if I stop daydreaming, I'll die. Cause I don't know how to handle things. I don't know how to handle the world or myself- so I just pretend, hope, and cross my fingers. I've got meds to help keep me focused, you know- away from La La land, but I don't take em. I don't want to.

S E C R E T :

Okay, so I don't know if you know this- but I have a problem. Like a serious problem. So I've got anxiety issues. No one really knows about it cause it's kind embarrassing. I used to have these episodes and have to lock myself in the bathroom and stuff. After it was all said and done, I'd feel like crap. Like I wasn't worth anything and I believed it- I still believe it. So, I took drugs and stuff. I mean drinking and stuff was normal cause me and Jonah partied a lot, but I partied harder and more often. Soon, I didn't have to party anymore cause I could just sit in my room and smoke and take pills. They made me feel good. I mean really good. Then it happened.

I missed three days of work in a row and one of my friends found me. My parents were never home so parental concern is out the window. But um, according to their story I was passed out and was practically... lifeless. Long story short I'm alive and had to go to rehab.. Ever since I haven't touched anything. I'm scared to, but sometimes I crave it. I need it to make me feel like Skie..

So to recap:

→ I'm an addict

→ and a little shit that lives in the state of dreaming

→ I'm prone to anxiety attacks BUT I feel like I've gotten better.

I'm not sure if this was supposed to make me feel better- but I don't. Jeez, am I a horrible person, cause I seem like it..

[b-psylocke]

Task 1

Hello Journal, How are you? I have to write in you for Peter okay? So I'm going to start that now....

Secrets and Fears...yay!

Okay, so please don't hate me or judge me okay?

Let's start with fear. I would have to say my biggest fear is getting ignored. I know that sounds stupid, but I think you would feel the same way if you're parents literally deleted you from their lives. Like they wouldn't even acknowledge me if I came into the room, or even talk to me. To them I didn't exist. I'm petrified that it's going to happen again. And I'm clinging to people because I want them to like me and want to be around me, and love me. But I'm scared that at one point they just won't want that anymore and just leave, and not talk to me. And I can't stand that. And what can I do to prevent that! Nothing! I can't do anything cause in the end it's them! It's their choice and I can't do anything about it. God I hate this stupid thing! I hate having this in the back of my head, constantly trying to shove its way into my life...I mean I think i'm doing okay of pushing it back. I mean I might be a little clingy to some people, but they don't seem to mind so far. Hopefully they never mind.

Secret...okay, don't judge for this one too, okay journal? Because that would be mean if you did. 

Before I came here...I tried a lot of different things to get my parents to pay attention. Most of them I wasn't really into, like the whole drugs scene and partying every night. But the last thing I tried, well I kinda just stopped eating. And I did that for a while, it got pretty bad. Like out of breath just walking from room to room, bad. One day I was so bad that I literally just couldn't get out of my bed. If my sister didn't come in and help me out, I really think that something bad could have happened to me. And I don't want to think that death was a possibility, but my sister would leave for days, and my parents weren't going to come in and check on me...and i don't know. It still comes back to me sometimes, and it just makes me so mad at myself. And it makes me sick to my stomach that I would ever do that to myself. Usually when I think back to that, it's not a good day the next day. I kinda fall into the pit of depression, not real depression but just this gloomy cloud follows me around. And I hate being negative, especially since I'm free and in this wonderful new place where I can be myself. But I can't help it whenever I think back to that. 

So that's my biggest fear, and my darkest secret. Not much I'm sure, compared to other people's, but still this is what's inside my head, and this is what I'm dealing with. And now you're helping me deal with it Journal, sorry to burden you.

Can I call you Henry? I really like that name, I always said that If I ever had a child, I would name him Henry. And I guess you're the closest thing I've got so...

thank you for listening Henry. Until next time!