#arrie anecdotes

[lawluenvy]

eeeewwwwwww gods whenever i read my family's posts praising their children for doing mormon things i just *gag* *implode*

i hate it so much because that was me. i did so much to make everyone around me proud. i had no identity, no sense of self, every choice i made from what clothes i wore to what music i could listen to i made for my parents (especially my dad and grandparents) and their ugly tyrannical god.

even my own mind and inner dialogue was not safe from that omnipresent judgement - i used to struggle so much with intrusive thoughts and it's all because i fought so hard every second of everyday to cultivate a "pure mind" and that's just not how the brain works. you think about not wanting to think about something and by doing so you think about that thing.

i just read these little anecdotes and i think about how eventually this kid will make some minute mistake and it's gonna all be over. that image will shatter, they'll be destroyed and it will be a long time until they learn to forgive themselves for something that was never their fault - something that isn't a big deal that they have been made to believe is a one-way ticket to hell for all eternity.

my little cousins and now my new baby siblings are why i will be loud and proud anti-mormon. not just agnostic, not just "different." anti-mormon. i won't start the fights but i will finish them. i won't make my family do things they think they aren't allowed to do but i will do what i want to do and i will not let them interfere. my wedding will be anti-convention, anti-christian. it wont be explicitly sacrilegious but it will be mine. there will be drinking, there will be no white, if i go ahead with the no-children idea then there will be cussing (i will not censor myself for their comfort on MY day), and i will probably include tributes to other gods - gods i actually love, that actually love humanity.

i will make it loud and clear always to anyone around me that i am my own person, and i live my life shamlessly. if anyone ever struggles with their faith, if they ever feel lost or need someone who will not judge them - i want them to know that they can come to me, they can escape that prison and find peace with me.

im so proud of those of us who have done it. who have left and who have made a safe space for us amongst the oppressive whole of our family. im so proud of my tio who was the first to leave the church. im so thankful for my mom for being supportive, for being the second to leave the church and for defending her kids but never pushing them.

now we've got our own little exmo circle and after family get togethers we hold our own where we get to actually have fun. a couple more cousins at a time.

i dream of the day the mormon god's hold disintegrates from over my family and the whole world.

but to start, i will be happy just to be the one who holds the scissors to cut the ropes from the ones i love who need that help getting away.

i will never be your perfect little angel ever. again.

i know you hope that one day she'll come back - she'll come back crying and begging for redemption.

but i killed her. i burned that little angel to ashes.

you chopped her down to slivers and i lit the match.

you see; this was a joint effort.

you may be why i suffered for so long but you are also why i got out.

you broke me.

and from the pieces - who i am now - is who crawled out.

i will never be your angel.

[lawluenvy]

so i grew up disgustingly conservative right? and i just remembered this one time my cousin (a few years older than me and the first to leave the church on my dad's side of the family) shared with me her speed racer fanfiction and it blew my mind cuz she confidently shared this with me and it had a KISS in it and i was just shook like... what? we can do that? we can think about kissing? we can write about kissing? we can like... be open? about kissing? and romance? what? and yeah it was genuinely a life changing moment for me because i thought she was so brave and from then on i vowed that i too would learn to be brave enough to share my feelings on romance and write about romantic relationships and now here i am writing fanfiction and sharing it on the internet LMAO

[lawluenvy]

y'all i tried using a razor to shape my bangs today instead of twisting my arm awkwardly to use scissors and i will never do this again cuz i accidentally cut a whole chunk out and made them short and then i had to cut the other side short too so it would at least match but now i have like mircobangs and i look like a terf and i am so upset i have never fucked up so bad with my hair before i am devastated and not allowed out in public until theyve grown back out enough i cannot

[lawluenvy]

massive pet peeve of mine: people asking for my name, and then asking me how to spell it

i've grown to love my unique name in most contexts but if this is a one-time customer service/business interaction then this is way too much effort. i know people are just trying to be polite but when you have a name like mine it's just such a nuisance

the other day the most horrifying thing happened - i used my ordering name to well, place an order for takeout lol and then they asked me how to spell it! ugh. even my order name which is pretty great, short, easy to spell, not usually misheard - fails sometimes

ugh.

a shame.

[lawluenvy]

worst thing about burning feet syndrome outside of the wanting to cut off my own feet some nights is definitely the fact that i can no longer do fuzzy socks

also because of my medications and my capacity to overheat and oversweat in general i also dont really get to do hoodies or sweatpants anymore either

also super fucking annoying is that there is 0 explanation for my burning feet syndrome and basically mitigating it with pain meds and freezer socks is all i can do about it. even going off my current psych meds wouldnt fix it cuz this was a problem pre-ssris. it's totally unrelated to everything apparently and just happens. every night. for no good reason.

literally went into the hospital the other day for a nerve test and the doctor's like "yeah man your nerves are fine" so apparently something as straigjt forward as nerve damage is also not an explanation

i hate it.

heat is the absolute worst and i am bursting with it 24/7 now. i miss having such poor blood circulation and 0% fat to the unhealthy extent of my extremities being purple 90% of the time.

those were the days...