Could I offer you an unsent letter from our captain, filled with longing and regret?
Professor Aronnax...
I told myself I regretted all the letters I ever sent you.I swore with my heart and mind that I would never say your name again. But how could I forget you, dear Pierre? I can still smell your scent; I can still hear your warm laughter drifting from the library; I can still hear your eager footsteps in the corridors...
I won't lie—I miss you. I spent so long blaming myself for your death, thinking I should have grabbed you, made you stay... And I think that is the worst part: living with the pain of knowing I could have saved you, that you could have had a better future.
Sometimes, a glimmer of hope crosses my mind that you survived. That you looked out at the sea and thought of us, or heard about the Nautilus in some port. That perhaps, for a fleeting second, you thought: "He is alive; he remembers me." And if you didn't, that is alright. Because I thought of us—so much. I thought of your kisses and the hugs you’d give me in bed in the morning. I wake up every day remembering that I’ll never receive one of those again.
But if this isn't just a fantasy my mind created to soothe my heart—if you really are alive... Don't forget me. Don't erase me from your memory. I don't know if you hate me—because, after all, it’s understandable if you do. I wronged you deeply,and I do not ask for your forgiveness, I don't deserve it.
I don't know if that flame still burns in your heart... But please, never forget that you were the one who saved me. The days were brighter with you, and now that you're gone, I cling to memories of our past to keep moving forward.I don't hate you for running away. I understand you, and despite everything, I still loved you.
—N.
