Red vs. Blue As John Mulaney Quotes
Blue Team: “So we go into the church and I was like, ‘I got this under control.’ And then I got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit.”
Leonard Church: “Hey, lady, I went outside as about as much as Powder from the movie "Powder".”
Wash: “Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives.”
Captain Flowers: “Isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing? That was just some boring shit I had to do on weekends. But now it’s like saying, ‘I was a French maid for a period of time... I was treated well in my day... I worked for a variety of sirs.’”
Caboose: “And I had that thought that only blackout drunks--and Steve Urkel--can have: did I do that?”
Tucker: “... because Bill Clinton never forgets a bitch.”
Carolina: “I never knew that relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.”
Sister: “Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.”
Tex: “It’s just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information.”
Junior: “I grew up Catholic. I don’t go to church anymore, but I went on Christmas Eve with my parents, ‘cause you know how you lie to your parents?”
Red Team: “Because that’s what needed revamping in the Catholic Church. That was the squeaky wheel that needed the grease.”
Donut: “My vibe is more like, ‘Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.’”
Sarge: “No, this guy’s either like forty or eighty. Even we don’t know how old this guy’s supposed to be.”
Simmons: “Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard for how I should be treated as a human being.”
Grif: “Surely more letters will fit in the same space.”
Lopez: “What? Who’s his best friend? A disgraced nuclear physicist? Alright, proceed.”
Project Freelancer: “For those of you who aren’t Catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you, even though we love to exclude you.”
Director: “‘Well, I was gonna put this bottle rocket into this carton of eggs, so that when I lit off the bottle rocket, the eggs would ess-plode everywhere.’”
Counselor: “I would always think to myself, ‘How could another person kill someone? How could a human being kill another human being?’ And then I got cheated on and was like, ‘Oh, okay.’”
York: “Our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby more than anyone else in our lives.”
Wyoming: “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”
North: “Now, I was raised Catholic. I don’t know if you can tell from the everything about me.”
South: “‘Why buy the cow?’ Well, let’s be real here. You’re very lucky to have the cow that you do have.”
CT: “‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own.”
Maine: “[angry mooing]”
A.I.: “And I go, ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ and they go, ‘Because we’re Delta Airlines and life is a fucking nightmare!’”
Delta: “‘Sometimes he will watch a movie on TV even though he already owns that movie on DVD. Pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him.’”
Sigma: “This is an on-fire garbage can…”
Theta: “... could be a nursery...”
Epsilon: “It’s just a little bit wrong, isn’t it? It’s just a little off. Like when someone’s like, ‘How are you?’ and you’re like ‘Nothing much!’ and it sorta makes sense.”
Omega: “I like to lean in and go ‘Stop snitchin’, motherfucker!’ and then walk off.”