.☘︎ ݁˖ clueless boy! (최 영재)
.☘︎ ݁˖༘⋆ ───── .✦ i'll love you till the day that i die
in which! you are confused. you and youngjae have been friends for the past year and you love him deeply, and you've tried to make yourself obvious to the fact that you love him. however, he's a clueless boy and always gives you mixed signals, making you feel even more confused. so, you decide to try and stop loving him. (spoiler; you can't). genre! friend!trainee!youngjae x artstudent!reader. Based in Seoul. feat Carmen and Jiwoo from hearts2hearts. one shot. requested! (Idk in which category put this tbh TT, let's just say fluff). warnings! not proofread wc! 2.1k a/n: unnecesarry info but why nice to see you again is so good omg TT. anyways, enjoy it!
It was Wednesday, still halfway through the week, and you just wanted to throw yourself out of the window.
You walked quickly through the hallways and arrived at your high school cafeteria in no time.
As soon as you got there, your eyes scanned the entire dining room looking for your two friends. It was easy to recognize them, because with their latest comeback, Carmen had had to dye her hair pink. And even if it was common in your school for people to have hair colours that weren’t exactly natural, she still stood out from the others.
You walked quickly to meet them at a table in one corner of the cafeteria and dropped her bag into one side of the empty seat Jiwoo had saved for you.
“Hi,” they said. You waved your hand at them and tried to smile, but it turned into a grimace. Also, as you sat down, all your strength disappeared, and you ended up resting your head on the table and banging it a couple of times.
“What's wrong?” Carmen asked, while Jiwoo, sitting next to you, took a bite of the strawberry ice cream you had brought out of habit, looking a bit concerned.
“I'm so done,” you moaned, your face against the table.
“Youngjae again?” Jiwoo asked, as he was one of the main topics in their usual conversations.
You nodded and quickly lifted your head off the table. “I just don't understand! My signals have been pretty obvious, right? Even Dohoon, his friend, asked me the other day if I liked him, and he's only seen us together twice!” Massaging your temples, you continued, "I don't know what else to do. He's driving me crazy, and he's not even doing it on purpose..."
Carmen looked at you with a little pity as she sipped her milkshake. “Why don't you tell him?” she asked.
“What, that I like him?” you said with a sigh. “You know I would if I knew he felt the same way about me... but I don't know if I could bear to lose our friendship because of a confession that went wrong.” You admitted, resting your cheek on your palm, and grabbing your chopsticks.
“Then don't do it,” Jiwoo said, eating calmly. “But you'll have to make yourself stop liking him then, won't you?” She spoke with a slightly sarcastic tone, knowing that you couldn't stop liking him even if you wanted to. They both knew, because they had listened to you talk and talk about him, and they had seen how you looked at him.
You, however, seem to have taken it more to heart than either of your two friends.
“You're right, I can't still be in love with someone who doesn't notice me or gives me mixed signals!” you said, nodding convincingly.
Carmen opened her eyes wide, looking surprised. “Huh?” she said, looking at Jiwoo, who had almost dropped her fork and was staring at her with her mouth open. “Yn, what? What are you talking about?”
“That's the right thing to do! In this way, I can always have him by my side as a friend, and I won't suffer for love or anything like that,” you said, nodding your head and putting a piece of tomato from your salad in your mouth.
“Thanks, Jiwoo!” you said with a determined smile, giving her a thumbs up.
However, as you ate your food, Carmen shot Jiwoo a side-eye, who just scratched the back of her neck, stunned by what had just happened.
The plan you came up with and dubbed “falling out of love for the greater good” ( and no, despite being an art student, you weren't feeling very inspired that day) consisted of putting some distance between Youngjae and yourself for a few days. Not too many (because you were suffering without talking to him yourself), but you needed it if you wanted to fall out of love. You were aware that neither Carmen nor Jiwoo were too convinced, but you felt it was best for everyone.
So, every time Youngjae looked at you, you quickly looked away without even smiling at him; every time he tried to get close to you, you ran away or made up some silly excuse to do so. You didn't seek him out, nor did you text him. And even when Youngjae sent you a “hi, everything okay? :3” on Kakaotalk, you only replied with a curt “yes, thank you.”
Deep down, it hurt a little. Your heart ached when you felt Youngjae's bewildered gaze on your back, or when you imagined that he might be hurt by your curt replies.
It's best for both of us, you thought. Most likely, he didn't like you, so you were simply saving yourself from a broken heart and from losing a friendship that you valued above all else.
Everything seemed to go according to plan. You ignored him almost all the time, and by not seeing him, you thought you had stopped liking him at least a little.
Although it should be noted that small things have begun to appear on your desk since then. One day, there was a carton of milk with a note that said, “Please take care of yourself.” The next day, a little whale keychain you had been wanting for quite a long time appeared on the table. It was strange, you knew it, but somehow it made you happy. Maybe you even had a secret admirer? Who knows. (And even if deep down you wished it had been Youngjae who had gifted you all this, you didn't think it was him).
However, the following Tuesday soon arrived, the day you had your painting club, and as always, Youngjae came to take you home. He hadn't missed a single day since you started walking home together. He would pick you up after his last math class and walk you home while you laughed or, if it was summer, ate watermelon popsicles while talking.
It was your favorite time of the week. Or at least it used to be.
When you left, you didn't expect to see him there, not after ignoring him for most of the week. But there he was, leaning against the wall, his backpack slung over one shoulder, with that lost look he always had after math drove him crazy (as he said, there were too many letters and too few numbers).
“Youngjae.” You blurted out in surprise, stopping dead in your tracks.
He smiled at you, as if it were a normal Tuesday. “Hello, yn,” he said, waving his hand at you. “How was art club?” He asked, tilting his head.
“Fine.” You answered dryly, but Youngjae didn’t give up.
“I bought you something,” he said, taking a watermelon popsicle out of his backpack and handing it to you.
You looked at it, then glanced out the window at the weather. It was raining.
“Youngjae, it's cold...,” you said, staring at the popsicle, because you knew that if you looked at him, your whole plan would fall apart.
He let out a soft laugh, scratching the back of his neck, embarrassed. “Yeah. Sorry about that, I couldn't think of anything better than this. If you don't want it, I can eat it myself, no problem...”
But he didn't have time to finish his sentence, because the popsicle was already in your hands, a little sweaty from nerves. "No need. They're always welcome.“ You nodded, tearing open the wrapper. ”Thanks, Youngjae. See you tomorrow," you said, wanting to leave as quickly as possible. You didn't want to fall for him again, not when you were so “close” to letting him go.
However, he wasn't going to let you go so easily.
“Wait, (yn)!” He called out, jogging over and walking beside you. “Do you have an umbrella?” He asked, a little worried. “It's raining a lot...”
You shook your head, still not wanting to look him in the eyes, so you fixed your gaze on his feet instead. “No, I didn't bring one...” And you now felt a little stupid, because you knew your mother had told you five times that morning to take one, because rain was forecast. You hadn't listened, of course.
You didn't need to look at him to know that he was smiling at you with that usual warmth that always confused you. He just gave you too many mixed signals. “Let me walk you home then.”
The rain didn't let up at any point, and you mentally thanked yourself for being smart enough not to turn down Youngjae's offer, or you would have ended up running in the rain and covering yourself as best you could with your backpack over your head.
The trip was a little uncomfortable; you couldn't deny it. The sound of the bell on your new whale keychain, along with the sound of water hitting the ground, more or less filled the silence you were immersed in.
Your gaze remained on the ground, or sometimes you looked up ahead, watching the streets of Seoul drenched and full of people without umbrellas who ran to a safe place. Truthfully, watching people was always fun. However, even if you were entertained by that, Youngjae's gaze was only on you.
He wanted to talk to you. He really did. But he didn't know how. You were mad at him; he was sure of that. And even though he had done everything, buying you an ice cream, being a gentleman, talking to you, giving you food... You wouldn't budge, and he certainly didn't know what else to do. It was the first time you had been angry like this, not talking to him for almost a week. And Youngjae missed you. He missed hearing you talk and talk to him about nothing in particular, and he missed seeing your eyes staring at him. He missed seeing you, being with you. Man, how he loved you.
“How was your day?” He tried to strike up a conversation.
However, you let it die, because just hearing his voice gave you goosebumps. “Fine, normal.” You shrugged, giving a pretty plain answer.
The boy nodded repeatedly, a bit discouraged by your response. “I'm glad.”
And silence reigned once again. Normally, Youngjae had no problem with being silent. And yet, he couldn't stand this silence. He was beginning to really hate it.
The sound of the bell rang out again, and his gaze was distracted for a moment by the keychain you had put in your backpack. Seeing it there gave him a little joy, because it meant you still cared. “Did you like it?”
“What?” you asked, puzzled.
“The keychain,” Youngjae clarified. “I didn't know if you'd still want it, but I saw it on sale and decided it was worth it,” he added.
What he didn't tell you was that he had spent all of last Thursday searching for the damn keychain in every store imaginable with Dohoon until they found the one you had said you liked. (And that his friend had threatened to throw him out the window if he didn't tell you that he liked you too).
Your eyes opened wide in surprise, and for the first time all afternoon (and in a week), you looked him in the eyes.
And oh, my God. Could they be any more beautiful? You had forgotten what it felt like to see those chocolate-colored eyes, which used to sparkle in the sun. You had forgotten it so much that just seeing him brought a wave of feelings and doubts that would have made you stumble if you hadn't stopped. The boy also stopped when he saw that you had.
“You bought it?” you asked, looking totally surprised. Youngjae nodded breathlessly, as if looking him in the eyes left him totally defenseless. So it had been him after all. But...
“Why?”
Youngjae hesitated, just for a second, bewildered. “Because you're mad at me. I was trying to get you to forgive me.” He tilted his head. Had he misunderstood something, perhaps?
The sentence was simple. Not at all convoluted, quite the opposite. And yet, it made you realize that it was probably the image you had given him. One that was far from reality.
That you were angry with him, when in reality, you were angry with yourself for not being able to forget him completely.
“I'm not angry with you,” you said, without looking away.
Now it was Youngjae's turn to raise his eyebrows in surprise. “Ah.” Silence. “Then why were you ignoring me?”
You looked at him. You observed him. You looked at his light brown hair, which he always wore neatly combed; you looked at his brown eyes, almost black, and wanted to drown in their chocolate sea. Then it was his face, his lips. And, my God, you had forgotten how many times you had imagined kissing him softly over and over again. Those lips were thin and rounded, and when they stretched into a smile, they could make your whole day. His uniform was neatly arranged, just as organized as Youngjae was, and his backpack hung carelessly from his shoulder while his other arm held the black umbrella that sheltered you from the rain.
How could I have been so foolish? You asked yourself internally. It's impossible for me to stop loving Youngjae.
And it was true, because you had grown accustomed to his presence, his smiles, and his soft or loud laughter. You had grown accustomed to seeing him every morning and afternoon, and also to the gentle nudges he gave you when he was having fun. You had grown accustomed to him, to him helping you, to him talking to you, taking care of you, even if he sometimes gave you mixed signals and confused you.
You couldn't change it.
You loved him, and you couldn't change it. You had tried, and it hadn't worked.
Because you fell over and over again.
So, with a quiet voice and the sound of the rain growing louder, you looked into his eyes again, the ones that captivated you so much. Then you spoke loudly enough for him, and only him, to hear you.
It was a confession. Something you had been keeping to yourself for far too long.
“Youngjae. I like you.”
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