Warnings: Major character death
A different ending to 15x18. Please correct me if I got anything wrong, I’m pretty new in the fandom.
“She’s gonna kill you, and then she’s gonna kill me” Dean gripped the back of the chair hard, his knuckles whitening. He breathed in sharp through his mouth. “I’m sorry.”
Cas swallowed hard. He frowned and turned towards Dean.
“There’s,” Cas swallowed again, “there’s one thing she’s afraid of.” Dean looks up, hope in his eyes. “There’s one thing strong enough to stop her.”
Cas met Dean’s eyes, holding his stare. Dean breathed in deep and swallowed hard. His head tilted to the side, still keeping his eyes on Cas.
“When Jack was dying, I made a deal to save him.”
“You what?” Dean felt his throat getting tighter and he squeezed his hands into fists.
“The price was my life,” Cas said, his voice breaking. One side of his mouth moved a little upwards creating a sad smile. Dean shut his eyes hard and breathed in to calm himself. When he opened them again he looked over Cas’s face. Eyebrows arched, eyes blank, this was real.
“-true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and take me forever.” Dean couldn’t focus on what Cas was saying. His vision was starting to blurry and he blinked fast a couple of times.
“Why are you telling me this now?” Another bang. Dean winced, there was too little time.
“I’ve always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be,” Cas swallowed and looked away, “what my true happiness could look like.
“I never found an answer.”
Dean kept his eyes on Cas, not understanding what he was saying.
“Because the one thing I want,” Cas said, giving Dean the sad smile once more, “is something I know I can’t have.” He shook his head slowly, drawing out the words as if savoring the moment. The two men kept their eyes on each other, none of them wanting to look away. So afraid that the other will be gone soon.
“But, I think,” Cas began, “I think I know now.” He looked down at the floor again, a smile creeping up on his face, almost, almost happy.
“Happiness isn’t in the having,” he continued and his eyes lit up at the mention of happiness. “It’s in the just-” Cas looked around searching for the right word. “-being.” His eyes landed on Dean’s, blank eyes staring into Dean’s confused ones. “It’s in just saying it.”
“I-,” Dean shook his head, “what, what are you talking about?”
Cas stepped closer, Dean could almost reach out to him, but his arms were frozen at his sides.
“I know,” Cas’s voice was shaky, “I know how you see yourself Dean.”
Dean felt his heart in his throat at the mention of his name. His palms were getting sweaty and his breath hitched as Cas continued.
“You see yourself the same way our enemies see you.”
Dean tried to blink away the tears that formed in his eyes, not wanting to cry in front of Cas.
“You’re destructive, and you’re angry, and you’re broken.” Every word punching Dean in the stomach, knowing that it was too true.
“You’re,” Cas spread his arms mockingly, “you’re ‘Daddy’s blunt instrument.’” He chuckled, but not the laugh from deep down his chest that Dean loved so much. No, this was tight, forced through his throat. Dean felt his head getting dizzy and took a deep breath to balance himself.
“And you think hate and anger, that’s what drives you. That’s who you are,” Cas said, his voice getting louder and more aggressive.
“But it’s not,” suddenly so desperate, a hand reaching forward towards Dean’s hand but too afraid to take it so it falls back down to his side again. “And everyone who knows it sees it.” The tears in Cas’s eyes were threatening to spill over. The hand reached once more for Dean’s, still hesitant, now hanging in the air between them. Dean looked down on it, a tear falling down his cheek and right in front of his boot.
“Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad,” the hand slowly gripped his wrist, Dean’s head shot up and he was met with Cas’s icy blue eyes piercing through him, “you have done for love.
“You raised your little brother for love.” A tear trickling down the side of his face.
“You fought for this whole world for love.” The other hand at his elbow, creeping upwards in a slow and steady tempo.
“That is who you are.” Dean’s shoulder held steady by Cas’s grip.
“You’re the most caring man on Earth,” Cas almost whispered, reaching forward with his other hand to hold on to Dean’s elbow. Dean felt himself gravitate towards Cas, the feeling of home and love coursing through his body.
“You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.” Cas’s face was wet and Dean wanted nothing more than to touch careful fingers across it to dry away the tears. Instead he reached up to take hold of Cas’s bicep.
“You know, ever since I met you,” Cas smiled at the memory and glanced away, “and ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me.” He looked up again, the smile still on his face. Dean must’ve gripped his arm hard, but Cas made no sign of being in pain. He clenched his jaw trying to keep himself under control.
“Because you cared,” Cas moved his hand from the shoulder and hesitantly towards Dean’s neck. Dean gasped softly and goosebumps rose on his whole body. “I cared.
“I cared about you, and I cared about Sam, and about Jack.” The grip on Dean’s neck was tight, probably leaving marks after Cas’s fingertips.
“I cared about the whole world because of you,” Cas cried out. A sob escaped Dean’s lips, glad that Cas was holding him, supporting him. “You changed me, Dean.”
Dean looked away, not wanting to look at Cas in fear of falling apart. Every word was pulling at the loose thread, slowly ripping Dean apart, ruining all the work he had done to keep himself protected from the outside world. Gone, after some words Cas had said.
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Dean asked, still not looking at Cas.
“Because it is,” Cas murmured, his breath grazing Dean’s cheek. Cas gripped Dean hard and forced him to look up. Dean’s breath hitched as he realized how close Cas was. He raised a reluctant hand and clutched on the lapel of Cas’ coat.
“Dean-” Cas dried away the tear that was rolling down his cheek, his thumb stroking softly over Dean’s skin. He felt himself lean into the touch, but as soon as it came it was gone, the hand was back on his neck again. “I, I love you.”
“Cas,” Dean sighed. Before he could continue Cas started talking.
“It’s true,” Cas chuckled, “I love you Dean.” His laugh became deeper and Dean smiled sadly.
“Cas,” he repeated, and leaned forward, their foreheads touching, sharing breaths, tightly gripping each other. Their noses side by side, a tear trickling from Dean’s face and down on Cas’s. Dean brought his hands up to Cas’s neck, fingers curling into the hair in his nape. “Don’t do this,” barely audible, just a soft breath over tear-wet skin. Dean heard the Empty opening up behind him and Cas’s eyes moved to the side, his laugh dying completely. Their time was up. He wanted to scream, keep Cas with him, in his arms, forever. Just like this.
“I can’t let you do this,” Dean murmured mostly to himself. He pulled back, and looked into Cas’s blue eyes, his face cradled in Dean’s hands. “I can’t let you do this,” he repeated, gathering his courage. On the other side of the door came another loud bang and Dean knew they only had a few seconds. Before he lost his chance he pushed Cas tight against his body and crashed their lips together. He tasted salt from the tears, but Dean didn't care. The kiss was messy, but he still felt the tingling electricity up his spine. Cas clutched at his back and kissed back hard, their lips slotted together. Dean moved his hand to the back of Cas’s head and tilted it upwards to deepen the kiss. It only lasted a couple of seconds before the door flew open. The Empty was fully opened behind Dean but he didn’t dare remove his eyes from Cas. Cas was smiling again, looking the happiest Dean had ever seen him. As the Empty took Billie Dean leaned, his lips resting above Cas’s.
“I love you too.” Dean’s lips moving against Cas’s. A last hard press of lips. Then he stepped back. Cas’s fingers slid down Dean’s arm and into his hand. Cas moved forward trying to take Dean’s hand properly, but Dean held up a hand telling him to stay. He squeezed Cas’s fingertips before letting go completely, now standing right by the Empty.
“Dean?” Cas stepped forward again.
“I want you to live a happy life.” Cas shook his head before Dean even finished his sentence.
“Don’t,” he whispered. But it was too late. Dean stepped back, a soft smile on his lips, tears rolling down his cheeks, uncovering the real happiness in his eyes. He mouthed a thank you, and let the Empty take him. The hole closed up, Cas completely alone in the room, the taste of beautiful Dean Winchester on his lips, and a last tear ran down his face.
