Recovery Interrupted
So I returned from the Sagolli, and I saw that the Ashen Enclave had their clinic open. Considering the state I was in physically, I decided it would be wise to have them give me a look-see. And I figured while I was there, I could ask about having a test run to see if I am able to have children.
I still don’t know whether I should have kits, whether from adopting or from pregnancy (assuming I am even able). I’ve thought about it in the past, but usually only a passing thought, as I was on the road so much. Lately, I think about it more often, as I’ve written before. But I also have concerns.
In the first place, if I decided to do something like this (and I’m only thinking, I’m not doing anything imminently), I would most likely be admitting that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I mean, I have friends, but I doubt anyone will be too interested in dating me if I have a kit at home. It’s not like they are knocking my door down to date me right now, after all. And if I was able to ruin things so spectacularly with Vylette, with whom I had so much in common, how likely is it that there is someone else out there who also wouldn’t mind an already-burgeoning family? So, by doing this, I would sort of be closing the door on the remote possibility that I might meet someone. I’m not sure I am ready to close that door yet.
Second, I am sort of questioning my motives. Yes, I’ve thought about children in the past. I think about them a lot in general—children, I mean. I think it’s because of the way I grew up. It’s why I donate to orphanages. I want them to have a better life than I had, to have better chances. I’m not criticizing my mum, she did everything she could for me. And I think . . . I think I could be a good mum. I know I’d really try. I know I’d love them. But . . . my question is, is the reason I’m thinking about this so much lately because I am afraid of being alone? Am I trying to plug a hole in my life by having a child? Thinking to myself, well, here’s someone who has to love me? I don’t think so, but . . . it does seem like the kind of thing one might hide from oneself.
Third, I have obligations at the Palazzo. I’m not sure how they would feel about me being pregnant, which would clearly limit my performances for some time. I have responsibilities there. They might not feel like they could keep me on retainer if I can’t contribute. And without that, I would definitely have to go back on the road more often, which would also be difficult if I were pregnant. I don’t know, to be honest, I didn’t read the contract that closely when I signed it, which was probably unwise. I was just so excited to receive the offer.
So, I guess I have to figure things out before I make any decisions. But I wanted to know all the options, so I visited the Ashen Enclave, as I said at the beginning. S’hayla was there, which was nice, as I was nervous and she was a familiar face. And she and Abelaire, who I also know a little bit, took me to an exam room.
I told them I had been through some difficult physical experiences lately and wanted to make sure everything was in the same place. They checked me out and found I was super dehydrated, so they injected me with fluids, and gave me some vitamins and such. But, they found no permanent damage, which was a relief. They said I should go home and relax for a few days, no exertion until I ran out of the vitamins.
So I asked them to run the test. I explained that I had been assaulted when I was 14, and that it had not been treated at the time, so I wasn’t sure if permanent damage had been done. Abelaire offered to get a female chirurgeon if I would be more comfortable, but as S’hayla was there, and she was being so comforting, I felt all right about it—especially as the test wasn’t going to be long.
I’ve seen S’hayla around for ages. She goes to a lot of the same events as me. I have often thought about introducing myself, since I saw her so much, but of course that didn’t happen. However, since she brought Mana to meet Savo and I was there, she and I say hello to each other when we show up at the same place. So, better late than never, and it was nice that a friendly face was in the room for this test.
I won’t get the results back for a while. I guess I’ll have something to think about when they come in.
When I went upstairs, Fhey was in the atrium, no doubt trying to pull some sort of scam on the staff. With her was a tall, dark Keeper who I discovered was her sister Ayelle, in from the North Shroud. They were arguing about something. I didn’t get all the details. Fhey asked if I was headed home.
I had thought about dropping by Epoch to see Vylette play, but I thought she would be in the middle of her set by the time I got there. Also, although she came to see me before I left for the desert, I wasn’t sure how she would feel about me being in the audience. I decided to sit in the back so as not to be a distraction of any kind. I probably should have gone home, considering the instructions I had from the Ashen Order, but . . .
I looked a sight. My skin was dry and peeling, I had sand encrusted on my clothes . . . I hoped I could find a dark corner, but I went. Fhey and Ayelle met me there. I gave Fhey some gil for drinks, but I just wanted water. Vylette was already playing, as I had feared. Her playing was magnificent, of course. She has a pretty devoted group that seems to show up every week, one of whom . . . well, maybe I’m wrong. But their gaze . . .
When Mai and I parted, I never saw her again. Not because I was avoiding her or anything, but we just never ran into each other again. I’ve never seen her at an event, or bumped into her on the street. Perhaps she went to Othard . . . I know she had things she wanted to deal with there. Maybe that’s why I’ve never seen her since. So I have no idea how it would feel to run into her after everything now. Would she be friendly, or bitter? Would I be either of those things?
I’ve seen Vylette twice since . . . well, since what happened. I wondered if after the desert I would feel differently toward her. It doesn’t seem like it, my heart still feels how it feels. Hopefully it’s easier for her. Sometimes, I wish I could get drunk.
So I made it home, took my vitamins and slept. When I got up, I spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing. I read, I napped, I ate, I drank soooo much water . . . I went into my hot spring outside and relaxed.
Now, for some people, this might sound really good. But I’m not used to being so inactive. I like to relax after doing something. Not training feels odd, for instance. Maybe I don’t want to be pregnant after all, considering the obvious limitations that would eventually place on my mobility.
I was suddenly attacked in my hot spring! Now, to give myself credit, between the noise of the water flowing in the hot spring itself, and the sound of the waterfall nearby, I did not hear them sneak up on me. It was Ayelle, and she was looking for Fhey, and for some reason was convinced I was hiding her. She threatened me with a sword.
I was not in the mood to be threatened at home. She had grabbed my hair and dragged me into the house, and I looked for opportunities to disarm her, which eventually presented themselves. We ended up scrapping all over my house—quite literally, there is mud everywhere, things are broken, everything was knocked out of place, my brand new mattress got ripped open and feathers are everywhere—it was bad. Finally, I gave her a dragon kick to the midriff and she sailed down the stairs into the basement.
I stumbled down to where she lay, and took away all her weapons. I tied her wrists, then set about treating her wounds. She had a fever, so I put a cold cloth on her head and changed it when it warmed up. I am no chirurgeon, but I know a few things from the battlefield, and from patching myself up on occasion. She had a gash on her head which I sewed up, and her shoulder was dislocated. I gave her a belt to bite down on, and popped it back into position. Then I gave her some fish soup and water.
I only did any of this because she was Fhey’s sister. I was now covered with scratches, and had needed to exert myself when I was supposed to be recovering. This means it will likely take me longer now to get ready for my trip to Meracydia. So I am annoyed with Ayelle for attacking me unprovoked, for not listening to reason, and for calling me a liar under my own roof, in addition to slowing me down in my pursuit of Regier by adding to my recovery time. Grrr.
Fhey showed up then, of course, because why not? I won’t get into details at this point, but it has something to do with a task Fhey’s people have for which they need her, and Fhey’s unwillingness to go and do it because they have treated her poorly in the past. I cleaned myself up and plopped onto my brand new, all-torn mattress and told them to work it out for themselves. And I went to sleep. They were gone when I woke up. I have a lot of clean up ahead of me.
Maybe there are downsides to having a family after all.