Joker was sitting around in the bridge, bored as shit. EDI was annoying him and they weren't even flying anywhere. Just sitting at the Citadel. He looked down to the comm, thinking of all the people on the ship before smiling, remembering that Ashley was on board. He clicked the button so his voice would come onto the speaker in the room she was in at the time. "Hey, Ash? You busy?" he asked.
“Heads up, L-T. We just spotted a troop ship headed to your location.”
No kidding! Kaidan thought, surveying the large geth dropship hovering above the bomb site, already releasing its synthetic army on the ground bellow. He took a quick look at the few soldiers that had been ordered to stay with him to protect the bomb. They were easily outnumbered – what? – 10 to 1, at least, and that was if the ship actually stopped delivering more geth.
“It’s already here. There’s geth pouring all over the bomb site,” he informed Ashley and their C.O., generating a biotic barrier around both the bomb and himself, while he also activated his shields.
“Can you hold them off?” he heard Shepard ask, her tone having a slightly alarmed edge to it. It was barely there. Those that didn’t know her as well as her crew did would have thought that she sounded just as calm and in control as ever… But he could tell that she was worried, and with good reason.
Out of the small squad Kaidan had been left with, only he had actual biotic abilities. And the other soldiers, highly trained as they may be, wouldn’t be able to hold on indefinitely against a full head-on geth assault. Kaidan and the bomb were completely in the open – and his barrier and shields would protect them for a while – but eventually they, too, would fail… And if the geth somehow managed to get to the bomb…
“There’s too many. I don’t think we can survive until you get here.” he stated honestly, while looking around him at the other soldiers who all gave him a silent nod – one by one. Kaidan could see a mix of fear, resolve and acceptance in their eyes. They knew. Kaidan didn’t know how to feel about that. Pride that all of them were so dedicated to see the mission through… Relief that they understood what he had to do, and were ready to fight and die alongside him if need be… Grief and sadness that he would fail to keep the people that had been left under his command safe…
He couldn’t afford to waste any time, though.
“I’m activating the bomb,” he said as he began the sequence to arm it.
So that was it, then. The decision had been made. If the geth ever managed to reach and defeat him, at least they would have to find a way to disarm the damn thing before it blew up right in their faces – or whatever it was. This would give Shepard roughly fifteen minutes to reach Ashley and the salarian squad for extraction.
If he could trust her to be able to do this; then she’d have to trust him and his team to hold on that long against the onslaught of geth, do their part, and buy them enough time to get out of there.
“Alenko, what are you doing?”
Come on, Shepard, don’t make this any harder… She knew perfectly well what he was doing. Truth was, had she been in his shoes, chances are she’d be doing the exact same damn thing! If the mission failed, then the chances of them being able to successfully stop Saren were close to none. This was more important than any of their lives. She knew it, they all knew it. Didn’t stop his heart from hammering in his chest, or the panic he could hear in his C.O. – and friend… Because yeah, after the last few month’s they’d been working together, he considered that he could call her that – ‘s voice, though.
“I’m just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what.” Kaidan stated calmly, not needing to elaborate on what ‘no matter what’ meant. In the meantime, one of the Alliance soldiers had been shot in the shoulder and was on the ground. Come on, Shepard, you’re wasting time!
Finally, the last numbers of the activation code were punched in; all that was left was flipping the trigger. Giving one last glance around him to his squad, he took a deep breath and activated the device. I’m so sorry… he thought, but what other choice did they have?
“It’s done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here,” he instructed her – secretly hoping to hold his own against the geth and live long enough to see the Normandy leave, at least. To know that his plan had succeeded, and everyone else had made it out of this place safe…
“Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko.”
Kaidan froze, and for a moment it felt as though he’d been kicked right in the chest, his breath being knocked right out of him! In all of his desperate planning, he’d never once considered that Shepard doubling back and coming to their aid instead of pushing forward to go rescue Ashley and the salarian squad could have been a possibility…
He knew arming the bomb had been – was – the right decision. But they could do this! If all they had to do was hold the geth off until the damn thing blew up, they could do this!
The salarians had already lost so many of their troops until the Normandy came to investigate; instead of the heavy reinforcement they’d hope for… Sacrificing her own Alliance soldiers –including her Staff Lieutenant – to make sure that their allies didn’t lose more people was undoubtedly one of the best ways for Shepard to show that she was looking out for the best interest of all of the races in Citadel space, and acting on behalf of the Council.
If she was hoping to rally everyone together against a common threat, and finally gain the full support of the Council; that was the best chance that she had!
And yet, Kaidan knew that he was fooling himself. He could try to look at this as objectively as possible, and try to pretend that he was thinking about it in terms of the ‘best interest for the mission’, but that wasn’t why it felt like his heart had suddenly stopped before it actually blew up or any of the geth had gotten the chance to put a bullet through it.
Please-please-please-please-please Shepard… Don’t double back… Don’t listen to her… It should have troubled him; how easily it had been for him to come to terms with the idea of dying for the mission. But the thought of losing Ashley filled him with more dread than he would care to admit.
Damnit, Shepard! It’s Ash! I’m the one that got her into this in the first place, convinced Anderson to let her join the squad. And she’s only twenty-five! She’s got a whole life and career ahead of her. She has barely been given the chance to step out of her grandfather’s shadow yet; and she keeps trying so hard – always pushing, always thinking she’s not good enough when she’s one of the best damn soldiers I’ve ever been given the privilege to serve with. She’s got nothing to prove to anyone anymore, and she deserves the chance to see it! I need her to be given that chance.
I want her to get the chance to realize how wonderful she is, and that she never had to prove anything to anyone in the first place… I want her to have a career that she enjoys, find someone she loves, maybe even start a family someday? Or not, if she doesn’t want one… But I want her to live, and travel, and laugh, and do every little thing she’s ever dreamed of…
I’ll be okay… I got more out of this life than I could ever have dreamed of… I got my chances; she should have hers…
Except even there; that wasn’t the main reason, was it?
The silence stretched on – though it could only have been a few seconds before Shepard finally came to a decision – but they still felt like the longest and most torturous seconds of Kaidan’s existence.
“Williams, radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA tower.” A wave of relief and an eerie sense of calm and peace washed over Kaidan as he finally released the breath he’d been holding until then.
Because when it came down to it, the main reason why he’d so desperately wanted Shepard to go back for her was a selfish one; a ridiculously selfish one…
“Yes, Commander. I…” Ashley’s voice faltered on the comm., sounding every inch as conflicted and in shock as Kaidan had felt a few moments ago.
“It’s the right choice and you know it, Ash,” he heard himself saying, voice strong and resolute – not letting any opening for argumentation.
Part of him wanted to tell her - to openly admit: ‘I don’t know if that’s the right choice, but I’m glad it’s you. It had to be you. Because I’m a selfish bastard that wants to keep the one thing that means more to him than anything else in the entire galaxy safe. Because I’m the coward that finds the thought of dying more comforting than having to learn to recover from – and live on with – the loss of the woman he loves…
Because I love you, Ash. I didn’t do it on purpose; I know there are regs and all… But I do. I love you. And you’ll be okay. You’re a strong, beautiful, resourceful woman that has her whole life ahead of her now, and your sisters are counting on you to come back to them safe, alright?
You’ll be fine, I know it. You can do this. And I… I’ll be okay, too. I’m not sure what I believe in – if there’s anything on the other side, or if it just ends… Either way, I’ll be fine. And if it turns out that there is something, and there is a way for me to watch over you, I’ll be there… Always.
Okay, now that sounded creepy, but I just mean that I’ll be there if you need me or, you know, maybe get the chance to watch you live your life and know that you’re happy. God I hope you’ll be happy... Be happy, okay? Now that’s selfish again… But maybe I’ll get the chance to see your dad, too. Let him know you’re proud of him and still think about him… But yeah, I love you. More than anything.’
But he couldn’t say it. Kaidan might have been selfish, but he wasn’t cruel. And his fear wasn’t that she didn’t love him back, but that she did. Considering that in less than fifteen minutes now he would be forced to leave her; he didn’t want Ashley to agonize over what might have been or lost opportunities on top of dealing with survivor’s guilt.
All things considered, he was the one that would get off this one easy, and he didn’t feel like he had any right to make this any harder for her than it already was.
“I’m sorry Kaidan, I had to make a choice.”
For a moment, he found himself wondering if Jane Shepard had ever suspected anything… If she knew how much Ashley meant to him, and that she was actually doing him a favor by keeping her safe; although he knew that her decision had very likely followed the same reasoning he had been following earlier.
“I understand, Commander. I don’t regret a thing.” And it was true – more or less. The only thing that Kaidan found himself regretting was the fact that he’d never been given the chance to tell Ashley how he felt; to know if she could have loved him back. And if she did, never having had the opportunity to kiss her, or hold her close in his arms; to know how it felt to share something as deeply intimate as making love to someone.
But it was too late now. Even if she knew how he felt – even if he was to tell her – he wouldn’t get to experience any of that, and it would only hurt her more in the long run. So he kept silent.
Otherwise, he told Shepard the truth about having no regrets; something for which he supposed he should feel grateful for. And he was determined to make sure that he died without having any new ones, either.
He would see that mission through and wouldn’t stop fighting until he finally caught a glimpse of the Normandy flying to safety – and that counter reached zero.
Bracing himself for one last stand – knowing that he didn’t have to worry about going easy on the implant for once – he grabbed his pistol and let the dark energy around him flare brightly.
Kaidan has large, encompassing palms with short, spatulate fingers; and fingernails that are a bit larger than long. The skin is surprisingly smooth, padded and springy, though - not many calluses or rough edges. They are flexible, strong, steady, and Kaidan’s touch is usually self-assured, but gentle.
Kaidan’s hands are also very warm - perks of having a biotic metabolism - which some people will find to be very calming.
He tends to join his hands in front of him and play with his fingers, rub the back of his neck or his arms, or hold on to his sides (with his arms crossed) in an effort to self-soothe when he’s feeling nervous, or experiencing a certain level of emotional distress.
He also tends to join hands (without fidgeting with his fingers, however) when he’s deep in thoughts and trying to figure things out.
Being an L2, Kaidan’s has gotten the habit of trying to touch a metallic surface before shaking hands - or initiating any type of physical contact - with someone else. Still, his hands might give a small static discharge every now and then.
When feeling threatened and/or preparing himself to fight, Kaidan’s hands will typically be the first part of his body that will start generating a biotic field. Depending on the situation, the field might be barely noticeable; the dark energy lightly shimmering with small wisps of blue light discreetly caressing the surface of his skin… Or, on the contrary, glow brightly with bolts of biotic energy running all over his hands and forearms.
"♪♪-- Regrets collect like old friendsHere to relive your darkest momentsI can see no way, I can see no wayAnd all of the ghouls come out to playAnd every demon wants his pound of fleshBut I like to keep some things to myselfI like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn --♪♪"
...a.k.a. the day where Ashley has a lot of very angsty feels that she experiences the irresistible urge to put down on paper to make us swim in the sads.
