I’ve always wondered why stone butches are exclusively a lesbian thing (as far as I know). Like, you never hear about gay men where one doesn’t want to be touched sexually, so it’s not a gay thing. You don’t hear of straight couples where that’s a thing either, so it’s not a woman thing.
The only reasons I can think of are that women have more sexual baggage and feel more vulnerable (and are less horny than men generally), so it’s unlikely a man would want this. And then on top of that a man in a straight relationship is unlikely to tolerate his girlfriend not wanting her genitals to be touched ever, so a straight woman who felt like this would probably just be single. But then again, I’m sure there are men who would be happy to be sucked off by women during casual sex with no reciprocation - and I’ve never heard of that either!
But are there other reasons do you think? Is it butch women having hang ups about their female genitals being touched, or about feeling vulnerable to a partner because they are masculine as a woman?
I find this so interesting to think about.
While I can see where this line of thinking comes, from I would like to challenge it for a couple of reasons.
The first being that stone lesbians have a long historical association with the term. For many of us, our stone-ness stems from trauma and that cannot be separated from it. The identities, what they connote, and the safety they bring to the lesbian community can never be devalued or disassociated. And I am specifically talking stone. Both top and bottom, butch and femme. This isn't a hang up about "female genitals". I have classically "male" genitals and still identify as a stone butch. Stone comes from a collective understanding of our needs, and how factors in our life made us not okay with certain things being done to us, and saying "yeah, those needs are okay actually. That's desirable. I'm not broken." So firstly anon, I'd like you to ask yourself where your perceptions of stone stem from.
Secondly though, while I can see where you're coming from, I really want to challenge the notion of men not wanting these things. Of men always wanted to be touched, wanting sexual attention. This speaks to a deep issue of stigmatization/generalization of male sexuality. As horn dogs. As sexually hungry machines. I challenge the idea that there aren't men who don't want acts associated with stone tops/bottoms because I know men personally who do. I know men who are sex repulsed. I know men who only ever want to eat their cishet girlfriend out, top her, and focus on her, never once asking for reciprocation. I know men who have that classic "infinite libido" of male hood but are the biggest power bottoms on the planet and would rather eat glass before topping someone because it makes them feel dysphoric. Makes them feel wrong.
As for "women are less horny than men", have you seen lesbian tumblr? Have you seen booktok? Some of us are SHAMELESS. Feminine libido has nigh on infinite potential for some and it is a beautiful thing that should never ever be swept under the rug with a generalization like that. Men are expected to have limitless libido and this too must be challenged. Growing up male, before coming out as trans, it was an extreme source of shame that my sexuality didn't align with the other boys. That I didn't experience sexuality the same. I got bullied incessantly for not being a sexual deviant, and I wasn't the only one. This idea of the ever-hungry masculine directly attributes to toxic masculinity and ideas perpetuated by patriarchal relationship standards.
Part of how I think collectively we can evolve and heal our understanding of sexuality and healthy sexual practices is understanding your needs intimately, regardless of gender or sexuality. Learning how to effectively communicate those needs, and subsequently accepting when others have their own needs (including when they don't align with yours, not everyone is compatible and that's okay). Just like how a classic stone4stone relationship seems to be what will be my ultimate ideal match-up, everyone's needs deserve to be met and honored by a partner with needs that align with theirs.
Stone top/bottom, stone butch/femme are incredibly unique and important identities within the lesbian community. Claiming stone for myself has helped heal years and years of shame and trauma around my sexuality that I never thought possible to heal. Those terms I can argue stay in the lesbian community for the various historical and cultural implications. But I also really do need to stress how much we should accept the experiences associated with stone being applicable to everyone, even if the terminology may not be.
me @ DS: congratulations!!! u went so hard w the misogyny that u made it homoerotic!!! (this is prompted bc of ur answer to is seba/paris canon but also just facts)
U went so hard w the misogyny that u made it homoerotic
I mean HONESTLY THOUGH
Again, I haven’t read SLC, so maybe they do share some moments, but I can’t see DS intentionally creating characters as queer. I flip-flop on the Debbie/Alice thing because he said they were meant to be together in a more apparent manner but his editor scrapped it. The same thing could be said for Seba/Paris, but just looking at Vampire society it makes no sense. Yes, with subtext (unintended by the author, I’m sure) the mountain is very homoerotic. For fuck’s sake, it’s a mountain just full of dudes punching and drinking with eachother and they all love ‘wrestling.’
But then I look at DS, then I look back to this erotic fuck mountain, and I’m like “this probably wasn’t your intention.” Because, in DS’s mind, I think the mountain is this purely masculine thing that’s kinda the pinnacle of every little boy’s dream. No one telling you to wash up, you can rough house as much as you want, you can play with weapons and hunt things, no girls allowed sans the cool ones, and all that just wrapped up in a single location. And I think because of that ideology around the mountain I veer towards what I presume is DS’s intention with Vampire mountain. So, like with every author, DS wrote something and we as a fandom interpreted that as we saw. Some people really engage with the queer reading of VM and the relationships there in, and I engage with the contextual readings.
TLDR;
CDF through a queer reading: Vampire mountain is gay as fuck with copious amounts of toxic masculinity bullshit.
CDF through a contextual reading: Vampire Mountain is just a bunch of emotional stunted man-babies who won’t bathe but still think girls have cooties.
I would.lovr a Gladnis kiss with prompt 18 - thank you! 😘
Okay… so this may seem like a seemingly innocent prompt fill. But believe me when I say I got carried away. Watch this space 😉 But enjoy lovely Hope, I hope you enjoy <3
Gladio knew exactly where Ignis would be. Sitting at a table in the back of the library buried under a mound of books that were either exactly what he needed or completely random and nothing what-so-ever to do with studying for high school entrance exams.
“Hi,” he whispered leaning across the table and parting the sea of books to see the slightly stressed fourteen-year-old behind them.
Ignis jumped slightly and looked around blindly. Poor thing looked exhausted, stressed and up to his eyeballs in past exam papers and Gladio wondered when the last time his friend got some rest.
“What are you doing here?” Ignis hissed and Gladio tried not to take it personally. “I told you I can’t entertain our friendship this month, or at least not until after I’ve taken these exams.”
“I know,” Gladio replied, walking around and shifting the pile of books from the seat next to Ignis before sitting down. “But as someone who has already taken their high school entrance exam and passed,” he added before Ignis could rebuke. “I thought you could do with some encouragement.”
“Can you do Trigonometry, Calculus and Algebra?”
“Er…,” he could, in a sense, but Ignis shouldn’t need to know that. Not for his exams. What was the point of being tested on something you hadn’t learned yet? “You don’t have to worry about that, they won’t ask you anything you haven’t already learned.”
“They did last year,” Ignis squeaked diving for a piece of paper in order to prove a point.
“No, they didn’t” Gladio replied firmly. “I should know, I was there.”
“Ha,” his friend exclaimed brandishing a piece of paper. “See!” and he pointed to three very distinct questions that Gladio couldn’t even fathom trying to figure out. Then he saw the reason why. “Iggy… this is a university entrance exam.”
“Yes.” He gave Gladio a look as if to say ‘and?’
“You’re taking high school entrance exams.”
“Yes,” Ignis repeated, this time a little more matter of factly. “But I figure if I can pass a university entrance exam then the high school exams should be a walk in the park.”
Gladio chuckled and shook his head. “That’s not how the system works.” he glanced at his friend more than a little impressed that he would even attempt the university entrance exam. That was like learning to walk before you could crawl. But then again this was Ignis Scientia and he was probably born walking.
It was just one of the many things Gladio admired about him. That and his attention to detail, his dedication to Noctis, the colour of his hair, the way his lips turn up slightly in a smile. The way his eyes shine brightly whenever he’s talking about something he’s invested in. The way he makes little noises when he can’t find the right word to say. Gladio had said it was because his brain is so full of facts and figures there’s no room for basic functions like speaking. Ignis had snorted at that, he’d been drinking coffee and it had dribbled all down his front. Gladio thought it to be the cutest thing ever.
Okay so maybe, just maybe there was a chance that Gladio liked Ignis a lot more than a friend. But they were young, and Ignis hadn’t said anything to him. Well Gladio hadn’t said anything to Ignis and it wouldn’t probably stay that way until the right opportunity came along, or he worked up the courage to do something about it.
Ignis had been talking, explaining how he hoped to know everything he could complete his studies at a must faster rate and therefore graduate quicker and dedicate more time to helping Noctis.
“And when were you planning on eating and sleeping?” Gladio asked interrupting him during a recitation of his future daily schedule.
“I can eat on the go and I only really need two hours of sleep…”
“Uh huh,” Gladio didn’t believe him. Already he could see he was looking rather pale, with more bags under his eyes than in the trunk of Jared’s car after a supermarket run. “When was the last time you ate?”
The fact that Ignis couldn’t answer him straight away told Gladio everything he needed to know. He plunged his hand into the front pocket of his hoodie and pulled out a Ziploc bag. “I made you some encouragement cookies.”
Ignis’ eyes opened wide in surprise and he glanced around in alarm.
“You brought food? Into a library?” he hissed as if it was a big scandal.
“For you to eat because I knew you wouldn’t have eaten anything.”
“But… it’s a library…” Gladio could see that Ignis was struggling to choose between his head and his stomach.
“It’s empty, everyone went home hours ago. We’re the only ones here and no-one is going to know.”
“I’ll know…” Ignis muttered but reached into the bag and pulled out a cookie. Nibbling on the end as he read over a sheet of notes. “It’s good,” he murmured and Gladio felt his heart soar when a hand absentmindedly reached for another one.
Gladio watched Ignis a while, smiling at the way he took the tiniest bites of the cookie or the way when a crumb fell on the table, he’d wet his finger and place the finger over the cookie to pick it up before licking the finger the crumb was on.
“I don’t think I can do this.” The confession was quiet, so quiet that Gladio almost missed it.
“What makes you think that?”
Ignis gestured exasperatingly. “Look at me, I’m sitting in a closed library, not studying what I’m supposed to be studying. I have to be up early for a training session before school and I haven’t eaten all day. Something that my best friend knew and saw fit to bring me cookies. Cookies that are really good by the way. I’m a failure!”
Gladio frowned and reached over to take a hold of Ignis’ erratically waving arms. “You’re not a failure,” he whispered. “And you can do this.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m here, I’m here to cheer you on, I will always be here, come rain shine, or high water. I will stand by you.” Gladio swallowed, he felt his breathing slow. If there was ever a time to admit his feelings it would be now. He’d already set the stage, said everything else, how hard could it be to just continue with his train of thought.
Very. Apparently, but Gladio did the next best thing. He leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on Ignis’ lips. He pulled back slowly, smiling at the O Ignis’s mouth made in surprise.
“What was that?” he asked and Gladio was relieved to find he wasn’t angry, there was an emotion in his eyes, one he couldn’t quite decipher. But it wasn’t anger or even disgust, it was a positive emotion.
“Me cheering you on,” Gladio said shyly with a blush.
“Ah…” Ignis’ faced flickered through emotions and Gladio watched every one of them. Puzzlement, thoughtfulness, worry, flushed… “Can I have another one?”
Gladio’s face broke out into a huge grin and almost launched himself at Ignis, controlling himself just before they smacked into each other. “As. Many. As. You. Need.” he said punctuated each word with a kiss.
He pulled back, still grinning. “It can also be used as a reward as well,” he said with a wink and Ignis laughed. A proper laugh, one that Gladio hadn’t heard in ages and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.
What made you feel like using the term “butch” to describe yourself despite some of your obvious feminine qualities? (This is an absolutely genuine question coming from somebody who is trying their best to figure out “which box” they fit into).
I guess I’m having a hard time figuring out if I’m “butch enough” which I know sounds ridiculous. I know that there’s such a spectrum and not everybody is strictly “butch” or “femme” but I guess I feel called to butchhood. But I invalidate my own feelings by finding all the ways in which I’m “too feminine” for it.
I’m genderqueer as well so it can be hard for me to find the right balance between my masculine and feminine features that make me feel euphoric.
Hey anon, so this is a very good question, and one I really want to take some time with. As such, I will provide two answers. A short copout answer if you don't have the energy to read a lot, and a long answer.
Short answer, and I really hate when I have to pull out this answer but well...
It's no different than gender euphoria in of itself. Each person is different, and it is based off of well, vibes. It's things like how I can be beside my he/they nonbinary friend, let's call him C, in the exact same outfit as him, and all our friends are like "yup, Nomi looks butch, and C looks boy-adjacent". It's vibes, and there's no real easy way to explain it further than that.
Now lovely anon/reader, if you want something a little more... nuanced (and just as inconclusive), strap in. Pun fully intended.
So I've been mulling over this for a few hours already before typing, and of course my overly analytic ass started scripting this whole thing around exploring the history of butch and femme identities, the gender politics of the matter, the racial contexts, etc. before realizing that doesn't answer your question; how did I specifically, a trans-feminine two-spirit person, reach butch being where I felt the most at home in myself despite apparent feminine aspects of myself? Understanding the history, cultural implications, and other nuanced portions of "butch" as an identity was a huge part of how I got there, and so I'll briefly go over that, but it's also important to keep my copout answer in mind as well. You know yourself best. It's well, vibes.
Let's start with the barebones identity of butch. I think a good place to start is understanding that while all butches are masculine, not all mascs are butch. Same with femme vs. feminine. It's something you claim, you embody. It's well, an identity. For many, myself included, it's an inseparable part of ones gender identity to boot. And like all identities, it is often intersectional with other facets of your life. Gender, sexuality, race/ethnicity, culture, etc.
For me, Butch ties directly to my Two-Spirit identity. Part of being a Michif (Métis) Two-Spirit person is holding both the masculine and feminine at all times. While not necessarily a woman in the western sense, I feel woman-adjacent. My "feminine spirit" comes from feeling woman-adjacent, and honestly when around other Michif women, like a Michif woman (but that's a conversation for another day). My "masculine spirit" comes from being a butch Michif lesbian, amongst other things. If I had to describe how my gender "feels", Two-Spirit Butch feels honestly the most accurate, even if that doesn't fit into a Western queer lens that nicely. I may have, as you said anon, apparent feminine aspects to myself that counter my masculinity, but part of being Two-Spirit is holding those with love, honor, and compassion. Feminine spirit doesn't negate my queer masculinity, if anything it augments it. But, exploration of my Two-Spirit identity and how it relates to being butch likely won't be of much help to most of the non-indigenous readers.
Let's look at a more Western approach, because Butch is just that, a rather Western queer term. I do want to preface that as a trans-feminine person there are many within queer spaces that believe I do not have the right to claim butch for myself. To them I counter, bugger off terfs. I would also like to point out that while in a modern sense butch more or less refers to a masculine lesbian identity, that was not always the case. Butch for many many years was an identity to describe queer masculinity as a baseline, regardless of lesbian, gay, bisexual, etc. Especially in queer BIPOC communities. Butch becoming a lesbian-centric term is much newer within the queer lexicon (with some pointing to white queer culture stealing a term from BIPOC queer culture, but that is a topic I do not have the expertise to go into). While both butch itself, and queer masculinity as a whole have evolved since those times, I think keeping that historical context in mind is important.
To me, part of why I claimed "Butch" specifically is how it relates to non-conformity of expected womanhood. While I do not claim woman in the Western sense, during the early phases of transition, I began by identifying as a woman, and trying to abandon all of masculinity and what it came with. You can find a bit more of how that went in this post. I dove headfirst into femininity and hit my head on the floor of the pool so hard I ended up right back in dysphoria central, just a different kind. But, that exploration of womanhood and femininity were integral in why I claimed butch for myself. I don't think I ever would have claimed it had I not. One of the common factors with every AFAB butch I've met is a rejection of the expectations of womanhood that Western culture thrusts upon them. Personally, I don't think it would have been right for me to claim butch without having first explored Western femininity and it's expectations to the extent I had.
Eventually I finally admitted to myself that, while I knew for certain I wasn't a man, I didn't feel right as a feminine (Western) woman either. So, what was I? I felt more at home, more welcome, and more loved amongst queer women, lesbians especially, than I ever had with queer men. Hard androgyny and genderqueer (which btw I do not identify with genderqueer, not upset with you though) didn't feel right either. There were aspects of classical womanhood from a physical standpoint I knew were in line with myself after many years of HRT. Breasts, my waist line, my now feminine skin texture, my legs, honestly my entire estrogen-sculpted body. Hell, while I haven't gotten full vaginoplasty for medical reasons, I would if I could, Stone Top identity aside. I felt at home around women and lesbians, as a Michif woman/lesbian, but not in femininity. As described in the post I linked in the previous paragraph, the first true step was reclaiming masculinity, and making room for healthy queer masculinity separate from gender.
I want to bring up this exploration of the meaning behind the colours of the lesbian flag for a moment. For me, Butch and all it encompasses, is a part of all of these.
Gender non-conformity I think is self explanatory. I am a walking defiance of gender norms and expectation at this point, and butchness as a whole is as well.
Independence can mean many different things to different people, but I feel self sufficient as a butch. I feel competent. I feel secure. Mostly importantly though, it is an identity I feel independent in. For years and years I let my expression of gender and sexuality be defined by those around me. Past partners, friends, family, coworkers, etc. I could not claim butch until I took a step away from all of those. I stopped letting them dictate who I was, and let myself learn who I was independently.
Community and butch is always going to be linked. Butch is a community-centric identity. When I tell someone in the queer community I'm butch, they know what it means. In a single word I can describe large swathes of my experience and how I relate to the world. But it also comes with community role and responsibilities. Butches and Femmes protect eachother. Butches provide safe masculinity in queer spaces that heals wounds for so many people, including other butches. Butches take up space in a room to ensure other non-butch women have space. We protect, we heal, we love. Butch love is so fucking unique and important to a community. Butch comes with a community meaning, but also community role and responsibility, and to me that is a big part of why I feel comfortable claiming it.
Serenity and Peace is so many things. Both internal and external. I have peace within myself as a butch. I feel more peace with myself now than I did for so many years. When I finally said it outloud, said I was a butch lesbian, and people affirmed that, it was like a weight I never even knew existed was lifted. I've felt happier in my time openly being butch than I have in ages, and everyone around me as noticed it too. Friends, family, coworkers all comment on just how happy, confident, and at peace internally I've been.
Love and Sex this is a doozy of a topic that I truthfully do not have the desire to explore right now. It is important, but I am not in the headspace for it. But butch love is unique in itself. As for sex, well. Please refer to the wild swathes of queer theory and discourse out there. As an off-hand example relating to myself though, see Stone Butch.
Unique Relationships to Womanhood/Feminity. I explicitly wanted to link these together. As a Two-Spirit butch, and a trans-femme one at that, my relationship to womanhood and femininity is unique, complicated, and at times inexplicable. The fact that I can say I don't identify as a Western woman, but with other Michif woman I do feel like a woman, is one confusing way. The fact that butch being a gender identity to me is another. But one aspect I want to explore is this notion that masculine and feminine are antithetical to eachother, when I don't think they need to be. I'm not androgynous. I hold both masculine and feminine, not a middle thing. My masculinity is queer masculinity, and I genuinely think queer masculinity MUST be in some way shape or form partially feminine. There is a softness to queer masculinity. A vulnerability. A tenderness. Queer masculinity is often gentle, loving, soothing. All things associated with Western notions of femininity, not masculinity. But queer masculinity, non-Western masculinity, makes room for those things. You wouldn't look at a mother bear protecting her cubs and say "that's not motherly behaviour, that's not womanhood". My relationship to my feminine self is in relationship to my masculine self. They are tied, and being butch, being a soft butch at that, encompasses it.
I think finally a topic I've been dancing around, though alluded to multiple times, is that first copout answer. Vibes, and gender euphoria as a part of vibes. From the vibes standpoint, what I have to offer is this anecdotal piece. When I told my friends that I was mulling around with the idea of claiming butch, basically every single one went "... yeah? You didn't know that?" Off of vibes alone every single one of my queer friends already knew I was butch. From behaviour, to what I was most comfortable in fashion wise, to how I related to others, they all knew that my "vibes" were butch already, well before I had even remotely considered it. As for the other hard to define aspect...
As a non-cis person yourself anon, you mentioned it already. Gender euphoria is a weirdly difficult to attain thing. I spent years on years of experimentation, exploration, and rumination trying to find my euphoria. Trying to find the spot I'm in now, where I find myself loving what's in the mirror every single day. Butch got me to the point that I legitimately look in my mirror and love what I see Every. Single. Day. I take selfies of myself because I love what I look like, even in just a hoodie in sweats, every day now. I put more casual care into how I look now, because I love myself, more than I ever did before. I take better care of my health. I have more self confidence. I'm happier and more stable emotionally. Hell, I'm a better friend, coworker, and community member now as a butch than I ever had capacity to be beforehand. It's not just me noticing that too. Near everyone in my life started making note of it anytime I took another step into fully claiming butch for myself. The biggest reason I feel right in claiming butch is that frankly, how can you look at secure, holistic, stable happiness like this and not say it's right.
There's a lot more I want to say here, but I've already been at this for nearly three hours, and that's on top of the two hours I spent just thinking on the matter to boot. I hope I was able to answer your question at least partially anon, and that it helps you with your own gender expression/identity journey. I think the only other thing I want to say is that it's okay if what you identify with now changes. It doesn't invalidate what you feel now, just like how you are now doesn't invalidate what you felt was right for your say, 5 years ago. Human experience and identity evolves, it grows, it changes. If you feel right with butch now, excellent. If you end up realizing that it was just a stepping stone in discovering your unique patch of gender euphoria, that is just as excellent. Rootin' for ya anon 💕
Hello! I recently found your blog and wanted to thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. Your posts about your journey in learning to embrace queer masculinity and your butch identity have been an absolute Goddess sent.
If you have the bandwidth and are open to sharing, I would love to hear more about your process of separating masculinity from manhood and embracing queer masculinity. As a fellow trans femme trying to figure out if Butch works for me, I keep hitting roadblocks in learning to appreciate and embrace those masculine/chivalrous traits without identifying them with my formative experiences. I'm Colombian, and chivalry (unfortunately wound up with a lot of machismo) was essential to my upbringing.
I resonated a lot with what you shared about pursuing hyperfeminity to leave behind masculinity, and I have reached a point where I can't sustain the hope of waking up and looking like Barbie one day and working toward appreciating the mortal coil I have and stage of transition I'm in. I apologize this got so verbose but I hope it made sense lol
Hey! So this was sent in a few days ago and I wanted to give time to sit on it. This is such a complicated and honestly deeply personal process. One person's relationship to masculinity will look entirely different than another.
It's been a process that I've been working through honestly most of my adult life, even before transitioning. I think there are two major factors that proved the most important, and they're pretty linked with eachother.
Find examples of healthy masculinity that speak to you.
I will preface that due to the nature of media, these will primarily come from men still. It's gonna happen. That is okay actually, it will lead into point 2. Finding healthy examples of masculinity was so necessary for me because masculinity was so wrapped up in just constant negativity. The harm so many men cause to women/queer people. Toxic masculinity and how those who perpetuated it shaped nearly every waking moment of my childhood/adolescence. The entire "anti-men" issue that fully plagues feminist and queer spaces, and how in most of those spaces men are hated on so casually you're looked at funny if you call it out.
Finding examples of both manhood and masculinity that were healthy and safe was so important in being able to reclaim masculinity. As a trans-feminine person I was never going to be able to even start to look at the process of first separating masculinity from manhood, nevermind reclaiming masculinity, if I wasn't able to first view both as not inherently bad. So, I'll provide three of my top examples of healthy masculinity that played really integral roles for me during the early phases of healing my own.
Lord of the Rings
Now this is pretty much everyone's go-to, especially if you're a nerd like me. But there's good reason for that. While Tolkien has his slew of problems, from lack of women in the books, to the racist undertones of Orcs/Goblins, his works provide plenty of examples of healthy masculinity.
No one would ever say Aragorn isn't masculine, he's peak "manly man". And yet, he's gentle. He's a healer. He recites and writes poetry (to the point that Bilbo goes to him for advice on how to finish a verse). He loves flowers and art and history. He's masculine, but he's unafraid of being soft, and he uses his masculinity to protect. To lead. To love. Not for malice.
Samwise Gamgee is frankly a rolemodel to me. I used to joke he and two other fictional characters were my type in men, when in reality, they were my butch-coded role models (Malcolm Reynolds and Milo Thatch). Samwise is still firmly masculine. But he's the softest sweetest man out there, and I hope I can live up to the healthy masculinity he performs daily.
William Prince
William is an Indigenous Canadian folk/country artist, who comes from the same neck of the woods I do in terms of region. His music has gotten me through so many tough times I can't even begin to express how important it is to me.
One of the biggest reasons he is on this list is so much of his music explores being a man in a healthy way. Whether it is being a father, to the importance of healing your trauma before it hurts those you love, to the importance of being vulnerable as a man in general.
Top three songs for some great healthy masculinity imo are "The Gun", "That's All I'll Ever Become", and while it isn't necessarily masculinity focused, "Run".
My only other note with him is just uh. Don't listen to the "Gospel First Nation" album. He went a little "born again" during Covid and it nearly killed his career.
Arcane
The writers of Arcane wrote gender so well it's ridiculous. You will find plenty of people on tumblr discussing how well it did women, but I think there isn't nearly enough praise for how well they wrote the men in the series. I could go into it more, but honestly, this video essay by my favourite video essayist Schnee details it beautifully (I'd also watch the sister video to this one about women in Arcane, it's pretty great).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBNUgGhPZzY
First and foremost finding healthy examples of masculinity in your life and the media you consume is so important. Find ways to separate those masculine traits you know you want to embody from the toxic ones like "machismo" as you put it. That way you can get into the next part.
This one is a doozy. I'm still working on it if I'm being honest. (I would also like to note that a lot of internalized shame work should be done with a professional if you can access one). Shame rules our lives if we let it, not just with gender. It affects everything. Work, family, food, hell shame makes people feel shameful about getting an extra hour of sleep here or there. It makes us hate when we want to just. Relax. It makes us hate when we ask for our needs to be met. Shame work is something EVERYONE should do, ekosi.
But as a trans person, whether or not you decide to claim butch, you MUST eventually look at that big ugly stain that is your shame with masculinity. Even the most hyper feminine of us trans-femmes must do so. Hatred and shame of men and masculinity will continue to fester if left unchecked no matter what. Yes, many men have done terrible things. Yes, we live in a society that favours men to the umpteenth degree and perpetuates toxic masculinity and patriarchy. Yes, as trans-feminine people we were and sometimes still are, associated with a lot of those perceptions and beliefs. It's an awful feeling and it makes you hate yourself.
Part of why I went hyper feminine is because of how much I hated my shame. I was so shameful of being born male. Shameful of the fact that I was a "threat" in feminist spaces purely for existing. Shameful of how intimidating I would become if I ever raised my voice because of how powerful my diaphragm is, on top of my already large demeanor. That shame will eat you alive if left to persist, regardless of transition.
That shame must be dealt with. Masculinity cannot be shameful. I'm a complete buzzkill in a lot of queer and feminist spaces because I shut down sarcastic anti-men jokes pretty damn regularly. I shut down the joking perpetuation of the bi "all women and one (1) man" stereotypes. I shut down "ugh men" jokes. Whether or not people who make those regularly realize it or not, those jokes continue to tell men, cis or trans, they are unwanted in queer and feminist spaces. That their very existence is worthy of shame. (and no, the "trans men are an exception" thing doesn't provide an out. They're men too.) It is biphobic, it is transphobic, and it perpetuates colonial patriarchal systems still in place. That cannot be the case. Part of feminism is making masculinity a healthy thing. Part of why it is okay if your personal examples of healthy masculinity end up all being men is because men performing healthy masculinity adds to the overall de-shaming of it. Gender stops mattering when you de-shame masculinity. What matters is healthy masculinity as a whole. Once gender no longer matters for healthy masculinity, the next step of separating it from manhood kind of already did itself.
While there are other small things I've done throughout my life that helped with the overall separation of masculinity and manhood, that in turn allowed me to claim butch for myself, those two steps were absolutely integral in the process. I hope you're able to find things that work for you, and that these examples of mine were helpful to you. Thank you for the wonderful ask 💕
