#askmissinternetmanners

[missinternetmanners]

lulz um what?

A reader writes:

I work with a bunch of folks who are, on average, around 5 years younger than I am. We use IMs for work communication all the time, and when I was very new here I had to ask people for help or to point me in the direction of some piece of information or another many times a day.  I would often start these IM conversations with "Hey [person's name], can I ask you a question about [xyz topic]?"  To which, I not infrequently got a reply like 'lol.  sure.'  or  'haha. yeah, what's up?'  My question is: did I do something funny?  Or is it a 'haha' because it's awkward that I communicated in a way that was too formal for the medium?  Or is 'lol' just like a space-filler?

Oh dear reader! Don’t fret!

There are two issues here: is what you did ok, and then, was it actually funny?

First of all: Miss Internet Manners is of the opinion that when in doubt, more formal is better. Especially at work, especially when you’re new, it makes sense to err on the side of politeness. It’s always easier to relax than it is to smooth over insulted feelings, and it’s always nicer to check and see what someone is up to before asking them a question...so don’t fret in that regard.

You hit the nail on the head with your final guess. Imagine you did this in person - you can imagine a “oh! hey” or some other conversational opener in place of the “lol” or “haha.” They’re not laughing at you - they’re opening the conversation. It’s a throat-clear.

Miss Internet Manners will say this, in a truly value-neutral way: different generations have different expectations around etiquette, and people who grew up on the internet/texting tend to be more informal in these methods - it seems to be more at the formality level of “conversation” rather than “written word.” You’re writing a letter, and they’re calling to chat about it. No one is saying don’t do this or do what they do instead - you need to communicate at the level of formality you are comfortable with. But don’t necessarily take their informality as a lack of respect...unless, of course, they are otherwise being disrespectful. Then, my friend, it’s about something else entirely.

[missinternetmanners]

I BCC YOU

A reader writes:

bcc-ing and party invitations. it drives me crazy! in this tiny queer world i want to know who is coming to that dinner party, ya know. but i get why people do it. but i think they should not. but does it depend on the size of the party?

Luckily that’s what we’re here to do: help!

Funny you should ask, dear reader. This is enough of an issue that even Debrett’s - the official guide to British etiquette - has weighed in, amidst its discussions of high tea spoon selection. The guiding principles across etiquette sources seem to say that BCCs are allowed when the recipients are plentiful (30+ seems to be the lowest number) and not important to the message itself.

One might say, dear reader, that the recipients of a small or limited dinner invitation are in fact important to the message. One should know who is being invited, if only to rectify that awkward moment where you’re not sure if a mutual friend also got invited. It’s also nice to know with whom you will be dining. 

Is Miss Internet Manners willing to give a number? No. But she will say that one approaches a BCC-appropriate size at approximately the point where it would no longer disturb the gathering if people brought +1s without checking first. Smaller than that and it can be awkward not to know who is involved. This requires diligence and not replying-all on the part of invitees, but that is not on the host but on the guests. And THAT is a matter for another day.