Actions speak louder | Rvnin
✖; Leader--
--------A word, title, he hasn't earned up to in the endless years he's lived after Alkali Lake. It wasn't just -----her, it was everything that he l o s t that day. Hope, love, respect. Scott Summers lost EVERYTHING. No one understood, they just looked at him with hidden bitterness that he could still feel. They didn't mean to, but he knew, Scott just knew, they all resented him for what happened on that day that altered his life forever. It is always the leaders fault, despite what they tell him, he knows its true. Its so true. A leader that failed his team, and a man what failed the woman he loved most in the entire world; who was his entire world. Every day was like the wound opened up again, if it ever even healed. Sleepless nights spent waiting for the whispering to end, as if she were still in their bed, murmuring in his ear; I'm waiting for you. No, Jean, he thought desperately, you're dead.
People didn't understand the anguish he went through when they lost Jean Grey. How he felt like a black hole opened in his mind after the supernova eruption of pain she gave to him in her final breaths. It was like every thought was a knife, weaving in and out, b u r n i n g. Torture; his mind being torn open, ripped apart, broken, e m p t y. That's what black holes did, took anything and everything than vanished, leaving just a vacant despair in its place. He felt her die. They didn't get that. Scott didn't just witness it, he didn't just stand back, forced to do nothing while she gave her life up for them; he felt it.
..And he died with her.
They called him dramatic, weak, but what they didn't realize is how empty it is inside his own mind without her. How can he be a leader when he doesn't even know how to live? How do you keep going when the life of your light goes out? They blamed him, and in a way, Scott resented them in return. They laughed, they smiled, and they kept hope. A word Scott didn't even know anymore. He always said, 'carry on' to the members that once looked up to him, carry on. Now they all have, and he's left behind, still stewing in the love and loss he suffered. He wanted to be with them, he wanted to live on without her, wanted to be a leader again, he wanted to carry on.
And God help him, he tried. Everyday, little by little, he tried to move on. Putting Jean's make up away, washing their bed sheets from her smell, shaving, showering, even taking up teaching his classes again. Too long he's wasted away here, locked up in they're room, away from everyone else. It took weeks, months, but Summers finally accepted taking part of their missions again, and seen became the leader he once was. Was he happy? No. He was still broken, but now he just new how to be numb; how to be a leader. No one asked if he was okay, no one wanted to open up old scars, and he didn't blame them. Scott didn't want them to ask. He just wanted them to follow, to remember what they're fighting for, who they're fighting for. Years he spent dying when Jean gave her life so that he could live. So he could lead.
Only one man made it all difficult, just the sight of him makes his head ache. Who still undermined his every order, who still said her name and made Scott's blood boil. A part of him is thankful, the deep, secluded inner thoughts he would never confess. How Logan, the Wolverine of all people, made him feel alive just because he was the only man alive that could piss him off this much. He would forget how sad he was when the animal of a man was involved, scoffing, rolling his eyes, teasing him with those stupid pet names. Slim? Really? Those were just a few angering qualities this leader hated about Logan, but what he really loathed was how much he pretended. How he played his 'I'm a gruff bad boy' attitude, like it was an excuse to not care. It made him grind his teeth.
Its like he refused to care just because Scott wanted him to. Anything to push his buttons, to drive him up the wall, and damn it, it worked. If he didn't hate Logan enough before, he completely detested the mans attitude now. Too cool for school, always on my own, unshaved bastard. He's spent too long not caring about anyone or himself, he doens't need this jerk to unknowingly remind him of that on a daily basis. He was here, Logan was still an X-Men----he c a r e d. Why did he have to treat it like something beneath him?
“ ---You heard me,Wolverine. I don't want attitude this time, Suit up. ”
“ That's an Order. ”