#aspectrum thoughts

[im-ace-not-broken]

The Ace Agenda

Rid the world of the belief that "sex" is what makes us human.

Educate the masses about the fact that being asexual is not a shortcoming or a problem that needs fixing.

Raise the middle finger to the world and show off that ace ring.

Find a cuddle buddy.

[im-ace-not-broken]

Trying to figure out if it’s “worth it” to come out as ace is such a mood.

Will they even recognize the term “asexual” or will I be starting at the ground level here?

How many ways are they likely to ask if I’m sure? (Have you tried...? Well how do you really know if...? Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.)

Are they the type of person to need me to explain why it doesn’t matter if I have or have not had sex before?

If it has no effect on my physical boundaries with this particular person, is it worth the energy spent?

Will it actually change anything about my interactions with this person for the better if they knew?

[im-ace-not-broken]

It's difficult to be ace and touch starved

It's difficult to say you want to be touched without crossing that all-important and invisible line of "leading them on." If I lean into a hug too long will they get the wrong impression? How do you politely ask to lay your head on someone's chest and just breathe for a while?

[im-ace-not-broken]

I legitimately asked my sister about whether people ACTUALLY wanna bang when they see someone attractive and like...she laughed because to her, yes duh, that’s a part of life. I was a little blown away. Like, I know in my logica brain that this is how allos live, but here in my tipsy ace brain, I was blown away. Like that’s an EVERY DAY occurrence!? That’s normal life!? How drunk am I that someone is saying this out loud!?

[im-ace-not-broken]

Fuck heteronormativity

and all the years of confusion and anxiety it has caused me!!

[im-ace-not-broken]

Ace Check

Tbt the times you've stopped and done an ace check and confirmed without a doubt that you're ace.

He's pretty.........nice. I like his face and he's easy to talk to. (Ace.)

She's so muscular and strong and.............I wonder what her workout routine is like. (Ace.)

I do these little ace checks all the time. I glance at people and wonder, "What about that one...?" But every time, my brain goes, "That one? Hm. Yep. Never mind. Ace! So ace! All the ace! 100% grade-A ASEXUAL!" So I nod and go on my way.

Until the next time I need to check.

[im-ace-not-broken]

Kissing

The first time I kissed someone I felt this letdown of emotions. That's what everyone sang songs about? That's what the pinnacle moment of the romance novels was like? That was...it?

So I figured I didn't do it right.

I decided maybe I was bad at it.

I told myself it would get better.

I let myself get involved in goodbye kisses that just felt wet. I participated in hello kisses that were soft. I never tried to avoid a kiss that was offered to me by my boyfriend because that was something couples did. It was normal and expected and it would mean something was wrong with me if I didn't want it. (Secretly, I dreaded kisses. I braced myself for them. I endured them.)

I didn't enjoy kissing. And not speaking up when one kiss turned into uncountable kisses for "makeout sessions" didn't make me get used to it. I didn't say anything when I became uncomfortable with the tone of the kisses. I didn't speak up and say I had a problem.

I regret that.

Maybe I would have discovered my asexuality earlier if I hadn't been afraid to talk about my preferences.

Maybe I wouldn't still feel uncomfortable about the thought of dating again.

Maybe I wouldn't still get a weird feeling of discomfort at the idea of running into my ex because I felt uncomfortable with him when he pushed for things I wasn't comfortable giving but I gave in because I was scared to say I wasn't feeling into it.

I never once initiated a kiss with my boyfriend throughout the 11 months we dated but I also never once told him I didn't want to kiss and that's something I regret. That was on me. But I was young and scared of being messed up or broken or a hundred other adjectives.

All the romantic movies, books, and songs lied and made it sound like everyone loves kissing. But I don't. And that's ok. I'm not broken. But I may have to preach that fact to myself again and again every day until it really sinks in.

I wish I had known back then about asexuality. I wish it had been an option for me to hold up in front of myself in the mirror and consider. I wish I had had an alternative identity to "not good enough" or "broken." Because it's hard to erase the harsh thoughts I had about myself for so long before I learned about asexuality.

[im-ace-not-broken]

What she means: I'm looking for the opposite of a one-night stand. I'm looking for a long term relationship and I'm ace so I might not wanna ever do the horizontal mambo. I need someone who will watch Netflix and eat pizza with me.

What she says: I'm looking for a long-time sit.