#assassin!rory

[reaperlight]

Rory: There's no need to be afraid of me, I don't bite.

David: Yes, but you stab?!

Rory: ...

Rory: ...I don't bite.

[reaperlight]

Life 2017 incorrect quotes dump

David: Life hack: you don't need to be a wolf to yell sad noises at the moon.

(source: tumblr)

*

Rory: You've got to learn to love yourself.

David: But don't you hate yourself?

Rory: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

(source: perchance generator)

*

[at a restaurant]

David: I'm gonna park the car. Can you get a table for us?

Rory: Sure.

[a few minutes later]

Rory: [*runs out of the restaurant carrying a table*]

Rory: START THE CAR!

(source: twitter)

*

Sho: Did you get high and watch samurai movies again?

Rory [crying]: Yes.

Sho: Did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again?

Rory [breaking into a sob]: Yes.

(source: twitter)

*

Deadpool!Rory: I'm into polyarmory.

David: You mean polyamory, right?

Deadpool!Rory: No, [*pulls out multiple swords*] but that's good too.

(source: tumblr)

*

David: You're my best friend. I would do anything for you.

Miranda: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

David: Absolutely not.

(source: tumblr)

*

Hugh: Are you sure this is a good decision?

Rory, [offended]: What are you talking about? I've never made a good decision in my life and I never will.

(source: tumblr)

*

Calvin!Rory: Don't be part of the problem. Commit. Be the entire problem.

(source: tumblr)

*

David: I think you have me confused with Rory. When have I ever done anything rash or irresponsible?

Kat: I keep a list. It's alphabetized.

(source: tumblr)

*

David: Bad things keep happening to me. Like I have bad luck or something.

Miranda: David, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

(source: tumblr)

*

[post canon au]

Calvin: Hey, I get it. You're stressed out. A few people died...

David: Thousands of people died.

Calvin: C'mon I know you don't care about those. The crew is all you cared abou--[sighs] Anyways, that's not the point. Look... they're dead now. And really, who's fault is that?

David: Yours.

Calvin: That's right--no one's.

(source: tumblr)

*

Calvin!Rory: Y'all only hate me because I've tried to kill you multiple times and will continue to do so. Get over yourselves.

(source: tumblr)

*

[dark/villain au]

Villain!David [finally pushed to breaking point]: I want to watch the world burn.

Calvin!Rory: And I'll happily help you burn it. ;)

(source: tumblr)

*

Calvin!Rory: You're probably wondering what we're doing tonight.

David [tired]: Not really, I just sort of go along with your bullshit now.

(source: tumblr)

*

Calvin!Rory: And here we have David, my husband.

Other Eldritch Horror: ...You mean host, right? Thrall? Servitor?

Calvin!Rory: Pretty sure I know what I fucking said.

(source: tumblr)

*

Exorcist: I'm here to remove the demon that possessed you.

Rory: I didn't call you.

Calvin: I did.

(source: twitter)