Topic: Personal Development (Passion and Ambition)
Many people my age already have their end goals before deciding on their college majors. Most of the classmates I've known throughout my school years picked nursing, architecture, engineering, and other majors that could grant them a job that could pay them well. I wouldn't say I'm sure that were their final decisions, but I could confirm they have their futures planned out. Most of them were pretty confident in their choices, while others struggled to finish the semester. And yet, they are already content because this is what they wish to take to achieve their ambitions.
How about me, on the other hand? Funnily enough, I already chose to pursue this Computer Science strand, but my gut feelings continue to gargle up my insides. Like, something's not right? That my choice doesn't align with the job I wish to have or if I want to have a job or not! Whenever someone would bring up the topic like: "Hey, what kind of job do you want to have?" or "Oh wow, why did you choose this college course?" Instinct has me repeatedly say: "Oh, I'm gonna be [insert job choice]. So I can learn [insert what the strand aims to teach]" or something similar. It always rubbed me the wrong way whenever that kind of conversation starter gets brought up.
I kept on convincing myself that I could combine programming and other computer knowledge with my expertise in drawing. Yet, I feel like it's not the choice I should've landed on. I always space out and question my existence with this thought. What if I don't pass this school year because of my uncertainty? What will people think of me if I choose a different job that contradicts my college degree? What if I WASTED all my chances?! This always puts me in a dark place in my mind, like I want to curl up and think about my mistakes 24/7. I always feel so miserable with the simple things that I can't accomplish accordingly in the right way that everyone must comply with.
But then I remembered something: Life isn't about school and work. Sure, you would need to study to get the dream job you wish to have when you grow up, but you also need time to make yourself content and relaxed, even by a small amount. If you ever feel like you're not ready to start a job, that's okay. You can find other means to earn money for a living, like opening up a small business or, in my case, taking art commissions (If you're an artist like me). Even if drawing isn't much aligned with what I'm studying for college, I consider it a way to escape reality's frustrations. Art has always been my true passion, and it will never die out, regardless of what others say about it.
If you would ask what ambition I have in mind? I'd be lying if I said: "I want to be a programmer or a software engineer," like everyone else. The last time I remembered someone asked me that, I cried in class because I overthought it. In the future, I see myself as someone working in the gaming industry, either through art or coding. I would consider that as my second option because the first option I have in mind is different: start making webcomics and work on doing freelance art. All I have to do is expand my online presence and post my work frequently whenever time allows it. Nonetheless, I'm still taking baby steps in my decision.
If someone would dare tell me: "But you've been given too MANY chances and time already to decide your future, why are you still thinking about what you want to be? Shouldn't that have been done years ago?" I've spent years thinking on my dream job, like becoming a doctor, film director, animator, architect, and many options I could choose from. Everyone runs their lives at a different pace, so don't expect me to decide quickly like others. I'm a slow thinker, but at least I take the time to think and rationalize my thoughts instead of diving headfirst into unknown territory.
Apologies if this blog sounds like I'm venting because I have a lot more I want to say and release from my bottle of emotions. Thank you for reading, and I hope you learn something from this!
Hoping the next 4 years in my life becomes fruitful from my endeavors.