#astronyaps

[astron-starlight]

i don’t think i’m okay

my friends hate me and i don’t know why except i do, it’s because i’m annoying

i’m annoying and introverted and allergic to social queues,

i can’t help but talk about myself all the time

i get why people hate me

i would hate me too

maybe it’s better if i just isolate myself

don’t subject myself upon anyone

back in my shell

i don’t think i could live like that

but

i can’t live like this either

and others shouldn’t have to

not like they want to, anyway.

i don’t think i’m okay

and i’m not going to be

unless i go back

destroy my progress

revert to the miserable soloist i was a year ago

i don’t have a choice

…

i should really just go fuck myself, huh.

[astron-starlight]

i should really just give up on her

[astron-starlight]

she started flirting with me again for two fucking days and now she's back on the astron dni agenda ffs i had JUST enough time to get my hopes back up

[astron-starlight]

i miss her

i miss saying good night, even if one of us wasn't online

i miss spending all my spare thoughts on her, and whether she sent me something new

i miss getting long-ass voice texts about really just whatever

i miss talking about our day

i miss hugging my pillow at night and knowing that she's doing the same, wishing for the day to come that we might hug each other the same way

we still talk, occasionally

maybe once a day, sometimes more, sometimes less

but it isn't what it used to be

but it isn't what we used to be

you deny it, it was all just a joke, you say

that isn't what you were saying when it was happening

it isn't what's going on

is it?

whatever.

i'm mostly over it

over you

it's just the small moments that hurt still

when i'm left alone with my thoughts for a little too long and i remember where they used to belong

or now

alone

on this dinky air mattress that didn't even inflate properly

nothing to cuddle

i just wish you were here

physically, emotionally, whatever

i would have you in any way you want me to, as long as i get to be yours in return

but i won't

and i just have to move on from that

find someone else

not like us was gonna happen anyways.

you warned me about your attachment issues, and the long-distance was just a little too long

oh well

fuck it we ball

[astron-starlight]

i'm so tired, but

i

can rest now

only a little more, but there's a little bit of time now i can fully use to rest

and then i'm done

[astron-starlight]

status update: it was a joke and she apologized

[astron-starlight]

i don't want to burn this bridge. i like this bridge. it's a good bridge.

[astron-starlight]

i can feel you slipping through my fingers and i hate it this is not a joke why are you pretending this is a joke

did nothing we said or did ever mean anything to you did you just pretend to like me did you just play along

why are you so ready to throw it all away as a joke. i dont want to throw you away i dont want

i dont want to lose you

i dont want to hear, once again, that somebody doesn't like me as much as i like them

i dont want to need you but fuck i do and i know you said you were a red flag and that you run away from people but i never expected it to be so painful or so easy

please stay

please stay

please stay

i love you as a friend, i like you as so much more

i don't want you to just give up on whatever we had even though neither of truly knew what that was and if we did we didnt want to acknowledge it but it still mattered.

...right?