astron

vagueposting life

[astron-starlight]

yo it's astron (they/them)

this is a place for posts about life, love, anything else really

(bad?) poetry also gets posted here, both about myself and not

yeah

tags:

astronyaps -> vagueposting and other loosely structured posts

astronwrites -> storytime

astronpoetry -> poetry

[astron-starlight]

i should really just give up on her

[astron-starlight]

she started flirting with me again for two fucking days and now she's back on the astron dni agenda ffs i had JUST enough time to get my hopes back up

[astron-starlight]

i miss her

i miss saying good night, even if one of us wasn't online

i miss spending all my spare thoughts on her, and whether she sent me something new

i miss getting long-ass voice texts about really just whatever

i miss talking about our day

i miss hugging my pillow at night and knowing that she's doing the same, wishing for the day to come that we might hug each other the same way

we still talk, occasionally

maybe once a day, sometimes more, sometimes less

but it isn't what it used to be

but it isn't what we used to be

you deny it, it was all just a joke, you say

that isn't what you were saying when it was happening

it isn't what's going on

is it?

whatever.

i'm mostly over it

over you

it's just the small moments that hurt still

when i'm left alone with my thoughts for a little too long and i remember where they used to belong

or now

alone

on this dinky air mattress that didn't even inflate properly

nothing to cuddle

i just wish you were here

physically, emotionally, whatever

i would have you in any way you want me to, as long as i get to be yours in return

but i won't

and i just have to move on from that

find someone else

not like us was gonna happen anyways.

you warned me about your attachment issues, and the long-distance was just a little too long

oh well

fuck it we ball

[astron-starlight]

i'm so tired, but

i

can rest now

only a little more, but there's a little bit of time now i can fully use to rest

and then i'm done

[astron-starlight]

status update: it was a joke and she apologized

[astron-starlight]

i don't want to burn this bridge. i like this bridge. it's a good bridge.

[astron-starlight]

i can feel you slipping through my fingers and i hate it this is not a joke why are you pretending this is a joke

did nothing we said or did ever mean anything to you did you just pretend to like me did you just play along

why are you so ready to throw it all away as a joke. i dont want to throw you away i dont want

i dont want to lose you

i dont want to hear, once again, that somebody doesn't like me as much as i like them

i dont want to need you but fuck i do and i know you said you were a red flag and that you run away from people but i never expected it to be so painful or so easy

please stay

please stay

please stay

i love you as a friend, i like you as so much more

i don't want you to just give up on whatever we had even though neither of truly knew what that was and if we did we didnt want to acknowledge it but it still mattered.

...right?

[astron-starlight]

chat how long must one wait until it is appropriate to make a joke about somebody's attempted suicide and is it more or less than 48 hours

[astron-starlight]

i feel so filled with love right now

[astron-starlight]

i feel so filled with love right now

[astron-starlight]

okay, so one of my best friends might havr committed suicide.

i

i don't know

how to process this

he was my husband, my life, my favourite ao3 author, he had a few poems i loved and fics i adored even more.

he was one of the kindest people i know, and he'd been struggling with mental health for a while, venting about how he believed he didn't have a positive impact on the world and we reassured him, told him that he's nothing like his dad, showed him some comments on his fanfictions to just show him how much he is loved even by people who aren't us—and of course we made sure to show him plenty of love as well.

and sure, we knew he was suicidal, half the server was, honestly, but we never thought he'd commit, that he would actually try to pick up the gun and

hell, we don't even know how he did it. we just know he was struggling, texting a friend about it but nothing she was saying was really getting through, he sent an i love you message in private to someone else and now nobody has heard from him in over half a day.

none of us know him in real life. none of us can reach out to his family. none of us can see him one final time and tell him how much we love him.

he's just

gone

i hope he's okay. i hope that the reason he's gone is because someone intervened and now he's somewhere he can get help, somewhere that just for some reason happens to have taken away his access to the internet.

i love him. present tense. he's one of my favourite people, or was, or whatever. He needs to be okay. He needs to. I know rationally he's probably not but for gods sake he needs to be because he's a bright fucking light and this world needs him i love him please tell me he didn't actually commit

[astron-starlight]

he lived

oh my fucking god he lived

he's not okay, obviously, but at least he's alive.

i love him so much, and i told him that, obviously, but i just... if he does that again i will kill him myself.

but man am i glad he's alive

[astron-starlight]

why the fuck did i have to befriend a suicidal person and fall for another

[astron-starlight]

okay, so one of my best friends might havr committed suicide.

i

i don't know

how to process this

he was my husband, my life, my favourite ao3 author, he had a few poems i loved and fics i adored even more.

he was one of the kindest people i know, and he'd been struggling with mental health for a while, venting about how he believed he didn't have a positive impact on the world and we reassured him, told him that he's nothing like his dad, showed him some comments on his fanfictions to just show him how much he is loved even by people who aren't us—and of course we made sure to show him plenty of love as well.

and sure, we knew he was suicidal, half the server was, honestly, but we never thought he'd commit, that he would actually try to pick up the gun and

hell, we don't even know how he did it. we just know he was struggling, texting a friend about it but nothing she was saying was really getting through, he sent an i love you message in private to someone else and now nobody has heard from him in over half a day.

none of us know him in real life. none of us can reach out to his family. none of us can see him one final time and tell him how much we love him.

he's just

gone

i hope he's okay. i hope that the reason he's gone is because someone intervened and now he's somewhere he can get help, somewhere that just for some reason happens to have taken away his access to the internet.

i love him. present tense. he's one of my favourite people, or was, or whatever. He needs to be okay. He needs to. I know rationally he's probably not but for gods sake he needs to be because he's a bright fucking light and this world needs him i love him please tell me he didn't actually commit

[astron-starlight]

the concept of me going to bed earlier than 🐂 (she lives like 4 hours later than me)

[astron-starlight]

this girl is going to kill me one day i swear to fucking god

[astron-starlight]

she face revealed and she's the prettiest ever wtf i'm so cooked