Not Enough
doing this thing | day 21 - panic attacks
I skipped ahead a bit because 1. I didn’t have time to do the other prompt justice and 2. feelings
Jaskier learned from a young age how to hide his feelings. He was a viscount and was to act according to his standing; no whining or snivelling, no complaining. And when you disobey there are consequences. So Jaskier learned quickly to bottle up any negative emotions, bury them down deep and for good measure, wrap the whole thing up with a wink and a smile.
For forty years, it's worked wonders, but the longer you push at something the harder it pushes back when it finally breaks free.
And it works too well, even good emotions being shoved down where they can't be a burden to anyone. But on the top of a mountain, Jaskier skates his feelings. He tries to tell Geralt the trough, to ask him to come away with him, but to no avail. He's too much.
He's never asked for anything from anyone, always paying his own way - and Geralt's, at times - but even if he did ask for something from someone, it wouldn't be much.
He wants nothing more than to be genuinely loved, to be cared for as more than a bedwarmer or a conquest. But he would never ask because he knows what the reaction would be. It's just one more thing he finds himself pushing down and ignoring.
No one would want him, not even his very best friend in the whole wide world. He pushed that down too, buries it beneath less painful memories, and moves on. Because that's what you do. You don't cry, don't scream or shout - you collect yourself and move on.
Until.
He's outside Yennefer's tent, hoping Geralt will be back soon, when he hears it. It's a conversation not meant for him, but it strikes him deeply.
"I dreamed of becoming important to someone."
For the first time, Jaskier understands Yennefer a little better. That's all he's ever wanted, too. But then he hears Geralt's response and it feels like lighting through his chest.
"But now... you're important to me."
He can't breathe. He can't catch his breath and as he stumbles away, his head swims. Of course, Geralt wants her. Of course. He was such an idiot, such a damned idiot to even consider telling Geralt- and now-
Jaskier drops to his knees, fighting to suck in air. His lungs burn and shame and embarrassment rise in his chest, threatening to overtake him. He had thought- He had been stupid to think a man like Geralt would ever want anything to do with him.
Tears sting his eyes, eventually smiling down his cheeks and into the dirt beneath his hands. He doesn't know how long he stays there until he can finally breathe again, but it's dark when he becomes aware of his surroundings. And Geralt is still with Yen.
Geralt will always be with Yen, there's simply no place for Jaskier in his life anymore.
