Ch 3: Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want, This Time- The Smiths
I tapped gently on my little sisters door before opening it and letting myself in. She was getting to the age where she wanted her privacy, though what eight year olds needed privacy for was beyond me.
Desi was laying on her bed with her eyes closed and headphones in her ear. I took for a moment to examine my sister in her state of peace. She was exactly like my father when it came to looks and personality. Her hair was short and straight and her pretty brown eyes were surrounded by thick lashes. Like my father, she was always up to something mischievous. They were always looking for trouble or a new adventure, while I quietly watched and observed. They were game players where I was a seat warmer. They shared the same positive outlook and it shone in their eyes. Not like mine though. Mine were just filled with sadness.
She finally opened her eyes and smiled when she saw me at the foot of the bed.
“Hi Aya.” I smiled at her pronunciation of my name. When she was a baby and first learning how to speak, she couldn't pronounce the “L” in my name so Layla, became Aya. The nick name stuck and eventually my dad started calling me that too.
“Hi Desi. Mind if I lay down?” I asked loudly. She didn’t bother to remove the earbuds. She scooted over to make room and I made myself comfortable underneath the blanket. I pulled one of the earbuds out of her ear to make sure she could hear me. “Stole my iPod again?” She smirked and nodded. This girl loved music almost as much as I did. I place the loose earbud in to my ear, curious as to what she was listening to. The familiar melodic vocals of Morrissey filled my ears. “The Smiths? I’ve taught you well, young padiwan.” We continued to listen in silence until the song was over.
“I love that song.” Desi announced as she turned off the iPod.
“Me too.”
“How was work?” she asked me.
“It was fine. I was in the air conditioning all day, so it was a nice change of pace.”
“I wouldn't want to be kept inside all day. I want to be outside where I can run free.”
“You say that now but wait when it gets over 100 degrees and you’ll be begging to play inside.”
“I’ll just jump in the water.” She stated matter-of-factly.
“You couldn't do that if you're working.” I explained to her.
“Well then I’ll sneak in to the water, or I’ll find a handsome prince on the dock and ask him to take me sailing on his boat.”
I chuckled. She was such an imaginative kid, something that I definitely did not inherit. I was happy that she still maintained innocence despite everything and I loved how she still wanted to be a princess because I remember wanting the same. I would sit by my window for hours hoping for a handsome Prince to rescue me but that fantasy quickly evaporated along with all my other dreams.
“A handsome boy, huh? Why not get a boat and sail it for yourself?”
“That wouldn't be fun. I want other people to have fun with. You could come too.”
“That’s nice of you. What would I do?”
“We can take turns steering the ship and when its the handsome boys turn, we could jump in to the ocean and pretend we’re mermaids.
“Sound like you’ve thought of everything. Ok. “ I smiled down at her. “I’m in.” I held my hand out ready to shake on the plan but Desi turned her head away from me but not before I saw her somber expression.
“What’s wrong? You don’t want to be a mermaid anymore?”
“It’s not that. I heard you and mom fighting again.”
Guilt built up in my chest and I fumbled with my hair. I was the habit I formed whenever I got nervous or uncomfortable.
“Is that why you put the earphones on?” she nodded her head. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. You know how mom can get sometimes.”
“She’s trying her best Aya. She wants to help.”
“Desi, its not that easy. Theres a lot of stuff going on right now. Everything is complicated but I don’t want you to worry about it.”
“I cant help it. It’s always complicated but it wont get better if you two keep fighting.”
My sister everyone, also known as the wisest third grader on the planet. “Pinky promise me that you’ll try.” She held out her tiny pinky for me to link on to but I hesitated. I wasn’t sure if id be able to let my mother be in charge of our well beings. The trust between us was gone and I saw no way of regaining it, so I did what every big sister does, I lied.
“Promise.” I said and locked pinky’s with her.
Her eyes lit up with that promise and she went back to scrolling for more music. We continued to listen to music until the doorbell rand signaling that it was time for dinner.
“Pizza’s here.” I yelled out so she could hear me. “Come on. Lets go downstairs. I’m starving!”
I raced Desi to the front door but the little weasel slipped passed me, beat me to the door, and helped herself with the first slice of pizza while I paid. Mom was already passed out on the sofa when we reached the kitchen.
“I’ll save her a piece.” She said as I watched her place the throw blanket on top of her unconscious body. It broke my heart.
After dinner and listening to more music, I carried my sleeping sister back to her bed. I thought about lying down next to her but ultimately decided against it. The bed was small enough as it is and I would only be cramping up her space.
I entered my room and mindlessly stared at the photos on my dresser. I hardly spent any time here anymore except to sleep and even then, I tried to do that as little as possible. I would rather sleep on the floor of Desi’s room than stay here and be reminded of better days. The first picture that caught my eye was of me and my dad on a camping trip. It was taken in front of a lake at my dads favorite fishing spot right before Desi was born. I remembered the trip like it was yesterday. He taught me how to fish that day and, after hours of talking, laughing and patiently waiting, he caught a 10 lb. trout. He was in fishing heaven and the smile in the picture showed it.
The next was a family photo taken at my late grandmothers house. My dad was holding an infant Desi while I stood in front of my mom with her hands on my shoulders. The last one was of me and my boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, I reminded myself. I was still getting used to the idea of being single. I placed that photo face down hoping it would make things easier.
Two weeks ago I did the inevitable and broke up with my neighbor and boyfriend, Drew Young, a couple of days before he went to Europe. We grew up with one another and were inseparable from our first meeting. He was my best friend but I wanted more for him so I had no choice but to let him go. He had suffered enough just by being near me and I cared for him too much to burden him with the problems of the St. James family.
I stared out of my window and in to his dark room, hoping it would spark something happy inside of me, but it only made me feel lonelier. I needed to get out of the house and breathe in some fresh air and I knew exactly where to go to do just that.