Angry Asian Woman
I can’t call myself an Asian woman in the US without it sounding like a lewd Craiglist ad. Of course I know I am more than this, but my opportunities to explain that to people begins from a starting point society has already laid out for me. The Atlanta shooting on the 16th of March reminded me of this.
The Atlanta shooting also reminds me how much I rely on keeping up my appearance to receive ‘less harmful racism’. If you’re attractive, you know the worse they will call you are those disgusting fetishized comments, ranging from the subtle, ‘I love Asian girls,’ to the overt ‘Asian women are great because they’re so submissive.’ Disguised as a gross compliment, it’s easier to perform a polite smile (as we’ve been raised to do), ignore them, and pray they go away (if we can’t remove ourselves). We grow up learning how to handle these predictable situations. For the price of a little annoyance and cringe, we know that more often than not, the catcalls prick but don’t escalate if we don’t invite them in. Usually. But when they do, we’ve played the worst-case scenario enough times in our minds to try and brace for it. Can I have your number? Can I be your boyfriend? Want to fuck?
No thanks. When actually, I’m screaming internally, NO TO THE FUCKING HELL, NO!
But while Asian beauty standards trend and glossy magazines increasingly herald (mostly Eastern, and almost always fair-skinned) Asian looks (to sell to rich middle class Asians), the visage is fleeting. At the face of tragedy like this, it feels like mockery. It reminds me if my looks don’t stand out first, my race does. The switch from ‘hey Chick’ to ‘hey Chink’ is a fast one. And when that happens, I am suddenly responsible for the ‘China virus’, or in the case of a poor, sexually frustrated white guy, the symbol of his sinful, ‘sexual addition.’
So, if I look good, maybe they will leave me alone. I’ll get compliments rather than condemnation. I signal respect to the extent that I can, because I cannot escape being the subject of randomized comments. The most I can control are more of the ‘good’ comments rather than the bad. It’s sick, I know. But to not be self-conscious about our appearance, we don’t necessarily disappear quietly in the background either. And this is just from non-Asians looking at us. Believe me, we can’t rest among Asians either. Many within our community are more than happy to tell Asian women how they should look. We’re China Dolls from both sides of the two-way mirror, constantly performing.
Being a model minority has a double-meaning for Asian women. There’s the awful ‘model’ connotation as meaning ‘better than’ other minorities -- which is wrong and harmful. Then there’s the added meaning of being a hypersexualized female -- being an idealized, submissive female trapped by the male gaze. She’s not like the other girls; she’s Asian. Vomit.
I have a bad taste of my mouth when I realize how easily I can imagine the scenes from history and pop culture this reality is piled up against. It’s such a large, disgusting trash pile of misogyny and racism. American GIs in Vietnam cozying it up with local girls. Old, pedophilic white men raping Asian young women and girls. Countless scenes in Western movies depicting the Asian spa as a harem of hypersexualized women ready to please. The Japanese school girl fetish. The unnamed Asian woman in a qipao or kimono as the backdrop of a trendy, hipster Asian restaurant. The whole ABG aesthetic.
I can already hear the rebuttal from the men, likely disguised as condolence. Don’t worry. I’m not like those guys. Or: I think Asian women are attractive, that’s all -- no fetish. Yes, you don’t want to be called out or reduced to something so basic. Welcome to our world. For this post, I am especially not here to smooth our your discomfort. I am here to remind you that even such comments are hurtful. It hurts because you pride speaking up about your insecurity, rather than acknowledging that I am up against this reality. Just shut the fuck up and listen. It’s hard to bring it up because it’s so fucking awkward. Don’t silence my lived reality.
Understand that no man should deal with his problems by turning to violence against a woman, or anyone. Peace be with the victims and their families.
