“you make me throw away mistaken misery”
The spirits led me to a new tape to transcribe. I had been talking to Blondie through a pendulum for 7 months. I omitted a few lines, which is Stella’s call, for now.
August 2, 2017
“ Are you just going to make everything hurt, until i talk to you?
……………
You need to stop that.
You need to ease up on my hips and my head. Do you understand me?
(there is a sound of a jangly necklace moving in the background in response.)
This is not ok.
You're not allowed...you’re not allowed to keep me prisoner, do you understand?
(walking around)
We had an agreement. The agreement was that you were going to tell Jakk.
That was the agreement. And there’s no...there’s absolutely no moving forward until that is done.
At all.
Is he at home?
No.
I mean the fact that you denied what i’m telling him does not make your track record look great to me.
…………………………………….
You have to own up to this. There is no way out do you understand that?
………………………………………..
I mean don’t you think he suspects?
I mean don’t you think that he thinks that you’re capable of this?
……………………………………………………….
(a jangly sound.)
I don’t understand what it is that you are even fighting for anymore.
I don’t think you even know.
Do you know what you’re fighting for?
Do you know, blond?
………………………(motorcycles in the background)..............
like ...i feel like all i have tried to do with you, time and time again, is point you towards the light and say get yourself out of this situation.
And maybe i said it threateningly a couple times, but ultimately i said..look i won’t….get your...choose your life. Was there even...were there satanic people involved in this? I’m unclear on that.
Is that like...is that made up? That’s fabricated? So there’s not a satanic organization that was after me. Were you actually going to kill me on May 7th?
How?
How were you going to do that?
You were going to pick me up ..in your car….
You were going to crash the car?
We were going to die together?
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
But there was not a Satanic….
Blond, i just don’t understand.
…
I don’t really understand what you want.
I mean, you taught me to cook! (this is a reference to that while i would be cooking in earlier months, i would be told what to do and when to do it, etc. it was kind of fabulous actually, especially when i thought it was Jakk. )
You know you taught me to become a witch. You like developed my skills. It doesn’t make sense. You partially drove me crazy, but you were also partially the most romantic lover that i had.
This was the most fucked up year of my entire life. I don’t really understand what to do with you. (it jangles.)
And the bulgarian says that you are, like, insane. And the shit that you put in my head when i got back from Italy? All of the violence that was in your mind. All the violent thoughts that you had about me and jakk, i mean that was deranged. That was insane. The weekend that you supposedly shot him before i went to Italy
And the way you were threatening to kill yourself when he was supposedly in the hospital
And all the thoughts i was hearing in that conversation, and i know you know what i’m talking about. Because you put it there, didn’t you? Yes. Blond, i”m begging you.
You need ………...you need to come clean.
(angrily) aren’t you fucking tired of this? This has been going on for so long.
Because i’ll tell you how it’s gonna go.
Because i’m not doing this anymore.
I’m serious about that. ………………………………
I don’t think jakk is as weak as the bulgarian thought he was. The bulgarian seemed to think that he was…...very….extremely fucked up. Extremely under your control.
I think that jakk still has part of his mind left. And i think that.our love is actually pretty strong. And i think that ..the way i have evolved into some sort of radical , if you will for lack of a better word due to being driven crazy by you, it’s something that he’s never seen in me before. And it’s brought something out in him. He’s paying attention to it at least.
And i’m not holding back, i’m telling him shit. And he’s not closing the door on it, i think he’s paying attention.
And i think he’s asking questions. And i think he’s starting to turn things in his brain the way he used to turn things in his brain. I think that part of his brain was dormant for a long time. And i think it’s waking up.
One of two things are going to happen. Either that part of the brain is gonna keep waking up, and i keep reminding him of who he is, cause that’s my job is to remind him of his core self... i believe blond…………...i don’t know why you’re so fucked up. I don’t know if it’s...shit, i need to get these eggs.
(goes to stove)
(angry) you could have reminded me!
I don’t know why you’re so fucked up. But i can’t waste any more time on your fucked-upness!
This is a waste of time! There are things going on in the world. And i have plays to write!
How can i get past that? (upset) how can i get past the fact that i’m doing fucking dance routines for my dead 10 yr old niece because that’s what she wants me to do. She wants me to do dance routines where i’m talking about...lyrics about “they don’t die in miami” (it jangles again) Blond! Where she has me sing songs where they involve death every single fucking day! Because she’s got a morbid sense of humor. She’s not happy about being dead, blond. She’s alright being a spirit but she’d rather be with me (jangle) and she’s not happy with you and she does not like what you’ve done with me. Stella’s a very peaceful person, but she did not like this. She’spretty pissed off at you. And this is a child who had the psalms on post-its all over her walls. (When I was transcribing this last part, I heard Stella say she’s been praying for Blond.)
Who’s looking at me in her pictures with pure love and joy emanating out of her pores.
She didn’t______ _____ _____________(here I mention something that Blond and I share from our childhoods.)
She was meant to be a star. She is a star.
(the toilet runs.)
And everyday everyday everyday i have to face that.
Everyday.
I had a picture of her in a frame wrapped in bubblewrap to give to Jakk to hang on the wall because that needs to be in your house, because you need to look at that every single fucking day. Becauze she wants you to remember. You’ve stolen my children, and then you broke my body, because you’re so full of vengeance.
When does it fucking stop? When does it stop? When? When does it stop?
When Do you admit?
When do you admit you put a demon inside of me by pretending to be Jakk? I think you should start there. I think that’s the first thing you should tell him. That you had me start carrying around a picture of him in a hospital bed. (it jangles.) and you know what? If you don’t do this tonight, blond. Because i am so tired of this. You’ve stolen so much from me. And that’s all i have to say. I don’t want to do this. I want you to leave me.
You have to prove yourself. You have to show up in the flesh like i told you months ago. You actually have to...show me some action. And not hide behind a pendulum.
It was……..shameful. To not to invite me to the wedding. It was...the number one, to bring him that blazer and set it up that way, when we were at the height of falling in love with each other was...you know what it was. (It jangles.)
But it was such a slap in the face. To not even talk to me about it. To act as if it was nothing. And i know he must have asked you about inviting me to the wedding. I know he did. And you thought it was ok to just completely hurt me.
I’m a human being. I don’t care how much money you have. I’m a human being.
Who gave up a child so you guys could stay together.
And you think it’s ok to take pictures for facebook that are meant for me, to hurt me. You may not tell him that they’re meant for me, but you and i know they were meant for me.
You know where i stand. This is done. “
Boy I’ve been raised from the dead
You’ll lose your mind and play
Too many people have crumbled apart in my hand
My face turned to stone when I heard the news
And you swear to me you don’t want to be my slave
But you’re staring at me
Like
Like I need to be Saved 
All I want to do is love everyone
This mellow-thighed chick just put my spine out of place
