Adoration
I've loved and cared and I've felt pain before. Some would even describe me as a person with an endless bucket of love. Lending my heart and hands were never a problem for me, yet that all changed when you came. I'll admit, at first, like any of my crushes I've smiled and waved, acted like every high school girl with a crush. However, as I realised that my competition would be my friends, my caring heart lent out my hands to them. Pushing these wretched feelings and jealous thoughts away.
As the years continued, my feelings grew stronger as we continued to live our lives separately. It would be a lie to say that not once did I ever think and dream of you. A man adored and loved by not only my friends, but by every single female in our cohort. What a tragic stereotypical love. Yet I was drawn to you, like a stupid moth drawn to the burning glow of a flame. Cheeks and ears glowing red, eyes diverting to the ground, words strained and stuttered. How pathetic could I get?
Eyes, caramel, sweet, adoring, it was warmth. Never a sense of coldness in them, met my own—inky, hopeful, dew-eyed, now; cold ones. It was the most electrifying thing one could feel, the sensation of our eyes meeting, shook the very core of me and I hated it. It makes me feel mad. These stupid feelings that erupted in the pit of my heart and stomach outraged me, how could I? I've always considered myself a smart person, I've learn't from my mistakes, so why am I falling for a guy like you? Your sweet and playful personality was a large contrast from my reserved and introverted personality, and it was creeping its way into my heart.
You were a dangerous man, a man with a sweet tongue, a man who gave me such confusing signals. You would purposely smile and catch my eye, sit next to me when there was plenty of empty seats in the room, compliment my 'honey-like' voice. And find ways to fill my senses of you. Which meant that 9th grade was a complete nightmare, you played even more dangerous games, you would hold my gaze more often, challenging my witt, my control. You would find ways to be near me, drowning me in your intoxicating scent. I must've been a fool! But it was way too late, I've fallen deeper in your ocean of mystification; I've grown to adore you.
10th grade, new school, new people. It was supposed to be better, it was supposed to be! I was supposed to meet my perfect poison, the man who was going to hurt me but love me like a tiger. But why was my mind hooked on you. Why were you always at my lunch table? Why do you stare and catch my eye still? Why would you spin me around your finger then continue living as if you've never met me? How could you play the mystery game? Teasing my curiosity. You horrible man!
How could I still have adored you?
There are only four months left of this year, and this year you have managed to vacate all the men that entered my life. You have them all running for the hills without even realising it. What a foolish and weak girl I've become. I would like for you to disappear, yet in this stupid game of tug of war, you seem to keep winning without lifting a finger... what have you done to me? The strong willed girl that my mother raised, gone with one glance. The once snappy tongue I have mastered for years have gone limp and wide when you smile.
These feelings, I refuse to call it love, for it's not love, it's adoration.
Adoration for a man that could easily ruin a woman like me.