having a home is everything as far as alphonse can figure. when ed went to university, he had lost a piece of home because ed was too far away for too long — though it was only a year & alphonse needed to finish high school & do what ed had done so that he could wrangle some sort of merit scholarship. back then, he played sports. he did volunteer work. he did whatever he could do to find a moment of joy & . . . guiltily, he thought that it could help his resume.
it worked. after a year of spending his school vacations in his brother’s dorm, accidentally kicking ed out of his too-small bed — alphonse made it. & he finally had the space to create a home. with his roommate, with establishing a routine, with doing work he cared about. with friends ?
granted, for a while alphonse found him stuck in the role of little brother, since his friends are edward’s friends; that — & they had met him before he had graduated high school.
but he worked himself out of that rut. every time he chatted with new people in class or attended club meetings, alphonse established himself more. even if it didn’t feel real, it was something. & he rooted himself with his friends — in late nights playing mario cart with friends, trying to make sure ed & his roommate didn’t get too drunk, in sharing half-smiles with mar.
with mar. she’s got her own stuff going on, but she seems to enjoy their late night conversations. even when al folds in on himself & doesn’t talk for ages. even when he only manages polite smiles. but mar seems to like excitement, so even on those days — she manages to pull him out to silly things ( worthwhile things ! ) like go to the arcade & win a pretty ugly stuffed toy . . . which is cute just becauseit’s ugly.
it’s surreal. but it makes him smile. & even on his worst days, alphonse loves to smile. so it’s all worth it, even if he thinks that every emotion & thought in his brain is a different colored piece of string that is tangled & indistinguishable from every other string in the pile. because it’s not his experience — to have these sorts of relationships outside of family. but now he’s lucky, lucky because mar had told him she liked him.
& alphonse hadn’t really articulated much in response, though he simply agreed. it’s easier for him to talk about ed to other people than it is for him to talk about himself. but either way . . . mar is ready to listen.
they’ve been sitting on the beanbag in her apartment for ages now, & mar has been indulging him in his taste for horror movies. it’s not that he likes the content, but having a spark of adrenaline when you’re sitting safe / sound at home — that can be fun ! especially while he has his arm draped over her shoulders, while he massages little circles into her shoulder without thinking.
it’s moments like this — when they’re comfortable & warm — that al feels like he might be able to summon the courage to do things right. to say ‘ thank you ‘ for trying with me. even though al has a hard time of initiating anything physical or more or any of it.
but he tries for courage. ‘ this is good, you know ? i like sitting with you. i like being with you. i think we have something good, & i really like you. i’m — yeah. i really like you. & maybe you already knew that since we’ve been seeing each other, but it’s worth saying. ‘ even if it’s hard.
INTIMACY | @autometallum
