"Where true home is"
Summary:After returning from a long visit to your parents from across the world,you're more confused than ever about your relationship with them.It is not long before your mind spirals, but thankfully,your sweet boyfriend is always there to tether you back to the ground.
Words:2.4k+
Warnings:strained relationship with parents,verbal and physical abuse mentioned,FEELINGS TALK,aangst,Tooth rotting fluff!🥺,mild alcohol consumption,established relationship,reader is purposely not given a name but no use of y/n,a bit of crying
🪷Writer's P.S. (skip this if you want to go directly to the story by spotting the lilypad emojiss down below)🪷
Y'all HIIII!🌸✨️
I am returning from a damn big depressive episode which also caused me a huge writer's block :(
This is also my first Bucky fic ever so I am bit nervous🥺🥺.I'm so damn sorry I'm so late to answer your Arcana fandom asks,but I promise I will!
This may fic may slightly be a bit personal.I actually did not intend to post it .I started writing this to cope with some personal stuff,but I ended up really liking the way it turned.If you're facing similar struggles about the relationship with your family,hang in there,know you're not alone.I know things may seem so messed up,but it's going to be okay.Hope you all enjoy this!
🪷TO THE FIC:🪷
It's a calm,Sunday evening at the compound's kitchen.Almost as if the weather owed Bucky a favor,there wasnt a single cloud in the sky.The room was filled with the last rays the sun had to offer for the day,showering it with an ethereal yet warm auburn glow.
-Perks of a certain billionaire hiring the best architects in the country to build this place.-
Bucky was bursting with excitement.He wanted everything to be perfect.He was cooking your favorite meal,had purchased your favorite wine and had bought a bouquet of forget-me-nots,your favorite flower,to decorate the table.
The rest of the team had offered to take a night out,to give you some privacy for the cosy cute welcome back date Bucky had planned.As much as they wanted to see you,they thought that you deserved some space for just the two of you .After all,it was the first the time you were physically apart for this long ever since you became a couple.
Bucky didn't get the chance to pick you up from the airport.He himself had also returned from a long mission-one he picked happily to cope with the absence of his doll- a few hours ago,giving him very little time to shower and prepare everything for your return.Fortunately,Happy was more than happy to help,bringing you back to the compound late by taking the long drive home,giving Bucky time to fix everything.
He had just turned off the oven when he heard the ding of the elevator,which made him drop the spatula he was holding.When he turned around,he was met with your grinning face from across the hall.You dropped your suitcases in front of the elevator and quickly rushed to your boyfriend's embrace giggling.
-"I missed you so much!"
His grip on you was bone crushing,but you didn't care the slightest.You nuzzled your face in the crook of his neck,relishing in his scent for a few seconds,before peppering him with small kisses on his face.
He responded by kissing you softly between words.
-"I missed you too doll...so..*kiss*..so..*kiss*..much!
You stayed in his embrace for a few seconds before you took a look at his face..taking it in the palms of your hands
-I almost forgot how handsome you are from upclose...
-"Ahh..doll...that would be a scandal now wouldnt it?"he chuckles.
You take a look behind him and notice the beautifully set table with the bouquet of flowers in the middle.
-"So this is why Happy did not come upstairs with me huh?I thought he just had a date night with Peter's aunt."
-"I dont know about him but this compound is taken for another date night",he said smiling.
He kisses you again,his kiss a bit more intense than before,relished in the feeling of you in his arms.
-"Baby..you didn't have to do this..you just got home from the mission didn'-?"
He tossed the butterflies in his stomach from you calling him baby aside and sushed you with another passionate kiss.
-"I missed you so much..haven't seen you in almost a month..you deserved a nice welcome home."
-"What did I even do to deserve you?"
He just silenced you with another kiss,as he always does when your usual self-depreciating rambling starts.
"You will forgive me for not having the salad ready won't you?Happy said he will bring you back at least before 18:30"he said frowning at the clock on the wall.
You fake sigh
-"If I have to..."
You roll your eyes before you start chuckling and hug him tight.Despite his insistence on the matter,you really couldn't fathom what you did to deserve such a perfect man.
Your date went along perfectly.Bucky hadn't let you lift a finger.He jokingly served you dinner pretending he was the waiter of a very fancy restaurant,filling your glasses with sparkly water and wine and always asking you if everything was okay mid conversation,earning your giggles and sarcasm in return.
"The chef would kindly like to get your feedback regarding the meal",he asked mid filling your third glass.
-Please tell him that he is a five course meal himself,so he won't have to worry about me skipping this dinner.You give him an exaggerated wink.
Bucky almost broke out of character.
"Miss as much as delighted he will be to hear your honest compliments,I am afraid this is a serious restaurant"
You started giggling again before he took you hand in his and started kissing it softly.He wanted to know everything about your trip back home.He let you yap for hours about how nice it was to see your friends,your little excursions and get togethers,how exciting it was that you were all back in Athens after so many years of the friendgroup being spread in literally all five continents.At first,you even seemed to be happy about your stay at your family's.
-"I mean...I was kinda nervous of how it would go but..it was nice to see them.You remember how they were insisting...I didn't have the guts to tell them that the idea of staying with them after all these years freaked me out so..I couldn't skip.But it wasn't half bad.We had our nice moments.They actually seemed to miss me a lot you know?
-"I'm very happy to hear that doll."He kept your hand in his,interwining your fingers.He knew that when it came to your parents,things were always complex and complicated.Things weren't black and white.They weren't always directly horrible to you,but they weren't exactly a model for parenting either.They had their own set of issues which made them do stuff that would occassionally make Bucky flinch,not just at the actions,but also for how you often seem to have them normalized.It wasn't a rare occurrence,you narrating Bucky a story about your childhood,where you casually mentioned that they had neglected you or insulted you in some way,always berating yourself about the fact that it still bothered you.These moments Bucky had to actually sit you down and remind you that this was wrong,that despite their defensiveness you had every right to be upset about it and that it was unfair that you had to go through something like that.That despite all the years that had passed,it was normal and okay to be bitter,and it didn't mean you were "oversensitive"
Of course you weren't stupid.You knew that real life people weren't disney villains.They had multiple sides and layers.You knew that abuse can also be verbal,that a slap in the face is indeed violence,as much as it considered a normal way to reprimand kids in your family.After multiple therapy sessions,you recognised how these stuff shaped you as a person.Hell,only you knew how much work it took to deal with the damage these stuff had inflicted upon your personality.How as a young adult, you had to learn from the start,as if you were re-growing up,how to stand up for yourself,to stand your ground,to not be afraid to take space,to be confident in your skin and unapologetic in the things that made you yourself.It was shocking to see how many people in your life subconsciously took advantage of your low self confidence,even sometimes without even realizing.It often made yoy wondering if you being more confident had saved you off some pretty bad relationships and friendships...
Long story short,you had made the choice to not completely cut your parents from your life,but keep a safe-for your own fucking wellbeing- distance.
-"I mean..crazy right?..and..their excitement for me being back after all these months..it even made them easy to live with..at least for the first five days,you said almost as if it was the most normal thing in the world,before you took a bite of your plate.
Bucky frowned,instantly knowing where this conversation would lead.
-"What do you mean doll?"
-"Well..I had almost forgotten how hard they are to live with,"you said half chuckling.
"Kind of ironic if you ask me.You know,back when I was still living with them,my therapist would tell me that when I move away,our relationship will be easier to handle and time may mend some things,making it easier to forgive and forget.I wouldn't believe her back then...I thought it was impossible.I thought it meant that I would have to pretend nothing ever happened and everything was perfect so we could have a somewhat normal relationship."But,..."
You make a long pause,to think.
"I think it came naturally you know?I guess it is easy to ignore something if you're not constantly affected by it.It just feels kinda wrong.And I guess unfair to my younger self.I feel as If I can't stick with a narrative inside my mind."
Bucky looks you deep in the eyes.
-"Baby your emotions are much more complex than a "narrative".You're allowed to have mixed feelings about a situation.You're allowed to feel as if a matter has multiple layers.And most importantly,if your mind naturally wants to leave a few things behind and make you be the bigger person for the shake of healing,you are fucking allowed to let it do it.It doesn't make your experience any less important and you're not betraying yourself.
He takes a long sigh before speaking
"Thing is doll,you're not in that enviroment anymore.You don't have to prove a thing to anybody.You don't have to stand your ground to validate your experience in them,or in anyone's eyes.Right now,you know and you have accepted that some things were wrong.And you were rightfully hurt.But you're ready to start healing and moving on.Back then,you used to cling to every thing that was proof of your struggle.You had to,because you were constantly gaslighted into thinking that their behavior was somehow your fault,or even that there was nothing wrong with it.You used to clung to the anger and the pain,because they were constantly telling you that you had no right to have them.And it was suffocating,because others can't dictate what you feel and don't feel."
-"So they would do stuff that would hurt me,yet they wouldn't allow me to feel the emotions that come with processing what they did.Because then they would have to admit that they indeed did something wrong."
-"Exactly..."
You sigh.
-"I never get bored with them don't I?You give a bitter laugh before looking outside the window,trying to ease the tension that threatened to make your vision cloudy with tears.You didn't want to cry.Not now.This was supposed to be a romantic dinner.The sweet and adorable surprise Bucky had put so much effort into to welcome you back home.It was supposed to go perfectly...you were pretty damn sure he was stressed about it..you know him too well.But your sweet boyfirend couldn't give a damn about the dinner at the moment.
-"Doll..."Bucky touched your cheeck tenderly,trying to make you look at him
"I know these things are not easy...but you are so strong" he whispers..So fucking strong..and I'm so proud of you..you know that?How you have the courage to face these things head on instead of avoiding them.How you work with them.I know first hand that bad things don't make you stronger on their own..you have to work for it.And I see you working so hard sweetheart.Everyday.Without giving up...Do you know how much I admire that in you?"
He smiles softly,his ocean blue eyes holding looking at you with so much affection.
"How you look up to the future with a heart full of kindness and hope despite everything.To me it feels...as if you literally choose to carry light baby..and that's..that's what made me fell in love with you.When you started sharing some of this light with me..and after a long long time..you actually made me see a future..a good one.Something I had not been able to in a while"
You couldn't hold your tears any longer.Not when Bucky wears his heart on his sleeve for you.Not when he showers you with such a huge amount of honest love.Not when he mentions his own struggles and you can hear the slightest bit of tremble in his voice,which tries to conceal for your shake.
-"I'm so sorry".It's your voice thay trembles now.You sloppily move from your chair to his lap and hug him tightly,letting out a few small sobs.You don't even know what you're even apologizing for at this point..but it felt that you had to..just to be safe.Bucky seemed to be reading your mind.
-"None of that baby".He wraps his arms around you tightly and kisses your forehead."None of that" he whispers into your hair.He starts rubbing soothing circles on your back.
"It's okay,it's alright.I got you.Let it out sweetheart.You can do it"
The final phrase seemed to open the dam.You desperately tried to calm yourself down,but the more you tried to control your breathing,the worse it would become.
"Focus on my voice sweetheart.Im here.I got you.Im not leaving.It's just us now"
He kept on murmuring praises and reassurances while holding you tight in his embrace.His voice,his touch,started anchoring you back to the ground.After a bit of time on his arms,your breath evened out.Your thoughts stopped sprinting and your voice became steady.
-"I would say I'm sorry,but you will get mad,so I will just say thank you."
He chuckles."You're right doll.You have no reason to apologize.And you don't have to thank me either."
You cut him
-"Buck.."
-"Ah ah ah.Baby,listen to me.I love you.So.damn.much.I will be here for you anytime you need.Anytime you WANT."..Also,it is not like you're not doing the same for me each time my own issues come to the surface..so stop acting like I'm some kind of saint here doll."
You can't help but giggle.The darkest parts of your mind hated the fact that Bucky dared to put the hell he has been through in the same discussion with your issues.That man has been through more trauma in single days than regular people see in a lifetime.You were admiring him more than anything in the world.You couldn't believe how after everything,he still was Bucky.Your Bucky,your sweet,too good for this world boyfriend with a heart of gold,that held space for anyone that saw beyond his past and wanted to reach him.Your Bucky,who would hold you at night when stress made you unable to sleep,whispering into your hair,dissolving the darkness that once threatened to consume him as well away.
But he never made you feel as if your struggles didn't matter.He never believed that pain is something to be compared or compassion a right to be earned.He was simply,always,there for you.
🪷PHEW...THATS WAS EMOTIONAL HEHE.
I hope you enjoyed it.Every feedback is appreciated,I love hearing your opinion!🪷