#avhira rambles

[avhira]

I need to sleep

I can't sleep

I'm waiting for something

I don't know what

Maybe water

Probably water

But I cannot get water unless I get up.

And I can't get up.

I have no spoons to do so.

Maybe I'm waiting for something else, as well

[avhira]

I hate when my mom gets mad at me for trying to explain something when she asks

"Are you fit to drive?"

"No, I'm tired."

"And I'm not?"

Thats not what I said! You asked if I could drive and I cannot because I am tired enough I can barely think, let alone focus on five things at once or risk killing us!

"Your dog's wondering why he's not with you."

"His blanket is in the wash."

"Maybe get him a new blanket?"

"I did. Its not as big and he dosent like it so he ignores it and tracks dirt on my bed."

Angrily "Well sorry!"

I wasn't trying to make you mad, I was trying to explain, why don't you listen?

[avhira]

When I was twelve, I walked through life just trying to get to the next day.

By the end of middle school, I had been hospitalized because I was a danger to myself.

I never got to really be 12

When I was thirteen and fourteen, I had to be older. I had to be sixteen, because I could see how much my bad mental health was affecting my parents.

So I never got to really be 14.

When I was fifteen and sixteen, I was still trying to make up for never being fourteen. I was also starting to feel the pressure to get ready for collage. Get good grades. Choose your major. I had to be eighteen while still trying to make up for never being twelve.

So I never got to really be 16.

Now I'm seventeen, almost eighteen. I have to find housing, apply for scholarships, figure out my life. But inside, I'm still just trying to be twelve.

I'm worried I'll never get to be 18.

I'm scared of collage. I'm not ready. I still feel just the same as I did when I was sixteen. Which was the same as when I was fourteen. Which was the same as when I was twelve.

I'm so, so scared that I'll never even make it to 20.

And at the same time, I don't want to. I want to go back. I want to let myself be 12. Then 14.

I am not ready to be 18. I still have to figure out how to be 12.

[avhira]

Fuckfuckfuckfuck

Whydontirecofnize myself in the mirror

Morethanthats not me

But to the pointiwassurprised

WhydosentthisbodymatchwhoIam

Looking inthe mirrorshouldnt dothis tome

[avhira]

Apparently I have a lot of bpd symptoms, trauma symptoms, and a lot of dissociative symptoms which, one one hand, yaya I might know whats going on with me and I can get treatment!

On the other- that means I cannot get the letter I need for top surgery. Because my identity isn't solid. And it needs to be. Which may never happen fully. And if it does it will take months.

I don't want to wait any longer

This is the one part of my identity I've been confident in. I'm not a girl and I shouldn't have this chest. And I was so close to being more comfortable in my body. I was so close.

[avhira]

Something I do that I don't think anyone has picked up on is that I use one type of smile emoticon when I'm genuinely conveying smiling and a different one when I'm being deceitful or mischivous.

[avhira]

Am I Me?

Am I the bright, bubbly energetic me that seeks to help in anyway, interact and be happy?

Am I the inquisitive me, always looking for information, for answers?

Am I the quiet me, hitting like and thinking about a thousand responses that i will never write?

Am I the little me, overwhelmed by information, by expectations, by every single sensory input?

Am I the older me, longing for a partner, someone to snuggle and love?

Am I the inhuman me, a creature or critter, skittering and running and being free?

Am I the sad me, the one thinking about death, about not existing, about leaving everything behind?

Or the me that's scared of that, scared of what I'd miss if I wasn't here?

Could I be a different me all together, something wrong and raw and broken?

Is the love given to me meant for a different version of me?

Am I worth being me at all?

[avhira]

I'm upset

My mom said we could go to an escape room about 30min away today

Then she had a migraine, so I asked if we were still planning on going. She said yes

Then she found out there was one in our town and said we were going to that one

Then she found that the one in our town had no openings today.

So now we aren't going at all, even though the original plan was to go to one 30min away.

And I asked. I double checked. And she said yes. And then she said no.