#avid.x

[avid-detachment]

have an urge to create an online presence

post something in a discord server

instant regret! overwhelming shame!

its been hours at this point and i still feel awful!

[avid-detachment]

it takes so much effort be the bare minimum of a person, to be distinct entity that that can be interacted with, and it’s rarely something i can make myself do. frustrating as hell

[avid-detachment]

hate wanting to have an online presence but feeling that i’m somehow ontologically terrible and inadequate

[avid-detachment]

I don’t feel like a person, I don’t have any sense of identity that I share with the outside world (do I have any identity at all? is anything about me even real?). I don’t leave any trace of myself behind; I want to be known, and yet i guess I don't have enough energy or desire to change any of the things that result in me living like this. So i continue to exist in this unsatisfying, half-formed state.

[avid-detachment]

wish I had the confidence to say for sure that I’m not faking or exaggerating my mental illnesses

[avid-detachment]

I need my golden crown of sorrow My bloody sword to swing My empty halls to echo With grand self-mythology

- Florence and the Machine | King

[avid-detachment]

cw for discussion relating to ableism/saneism towards NPD

(it’s mostly just me complaining about my therapist dw)

Really not happy with how my therapist is handling me trying to talk to him about possibly having NPD, or narcissistic traits in general.

According to him, people with NPD are “mean and nasty,” and (also according to him), I am not that. He says doesn’t want to insult me by saying that I have NPD. 

It’s,,, very disappointing, especially since at one point he said he wasn’t happy with how the term “narcissist” is misused. And now I am never going to erase the connotation that if we do talk more about this, he is just insulting me the entire time we talk. This just reinforces the feeling that I don't feel like I can talk freely with him, and it’s frustrating. I don’t want to have to convince him to not be so shitty towards pwNPD.

I am really starting to consider that I should try to find a new therapist, because of this and other reasons as well. not really sure how to go about doing that though.

[avid-detachment]

again considering the possibility of me having szpd in addition to avpd and npd. feels strange, feels organic