I want to write a hugeee post about how much I love my friends,
and how I am going to try harder as soon as this next, frankly dreadful, week ahead of me has passed, and how I'm sorry for being a (for lack of a better word) tit.
I'm sick, and haven't the energy to make sure everything in this post makes sense but here's a rant and a thank you;
I find it hard to show my full emotions around people, because; I think I'll scare them, I don't deserve them, I'm protecting myself, Every strong involvement with somebody has increasingly worse downsides, I'm just really not a worthy person, I barely feel present enough in any given moment to fully give the mutual support friends need and that absolutely terrifies me. What if I'm seeing them as a friend, and they're thinking of themselves as some sort of carer? I hate that that thought is so often present in my head. A lot of the time I don't feel here, and how can I be a good friend to someone if I'm not even here? And then I have that awful habit of disconnecting myself for days on end and disappearing then having to patch things over with people I've hurt. It sometimes seems as if I shouldn't make friends with people because I feel like some sort of toxin that hurts them without meaning to, and I can't turn it off. So I hide away until I feel more brave and stable, and I hate feeling that way.
But despite my distorted reasoning, I have many friends. And I cherish each of them, of you. It seems like I don't sometimes, but please, please, please be assured that I do. I love you. And thank you, for being there for me, and befriending me despite my disjointed thoughts and actions, and habits and, well, everything else. I'm glad I have you guys, okay? Seriously, thank you and I love you all.
TL; DR - You're awesome, I love you.