#ayekah

[he-harim]

so consider this a check-in

i’m for the first time in my life relatively comfortable with where i am for a lot of mitzvot. i’m in a good place with prayer; i have kosher utensils and my own microwave oven; my shabbat practice is not necessarily in a perfect place but i am almost to a really good place; i’m learning the parsha and other torah regularly. i’m getting pretty good at laying tefillin every day (except shabbat etc.). i’m not trying to brag or claim im infallible, what i mean here is more that these things are becoming my normal way and if/when i don’t make it that’s a sad and correctable deviation from the norm, rather than the fact that i davened (say) being a deviation from the norm. which is incredible! like i intended to keep shabbat for the first time in the summer of 2011. and now here i am. 

a lot of this is due to wearing tzitzit -- i really wanted to wear tzitzit but felt i couldn’t honestly do so whilst not being engaged in daily prayer, and that pushed me over the edge. i also felt like i shouldn’t be wearing visible tzitzit and eating in non-kosher restaurants -- so i stopped. 

other parts are due to being more comfortable claiming the identity of “a jew who learns torah & keeps it” -- it is unfortunately sometimes scary to set up a chevruta, but i feel like i’m over that bump now

i owe so much to hadar and i am so lucky that i went.

also.... i’ve [realised that i want / decided] to be a rabbi. i want to spend my life engaged in the torah and invested in helping jews keep it, and building jewish communities of the sort that sustained me and gave me life and so much more. this is tricky because of denominations. 

in another life i would love being orthodox, i think. unflinching commitment to halacha and mitzvot is really really key for me, but people keep telling me that, socially speaking, wearing tzitzit puts me beyond the pale of the orthodox movement. and the amount of tzuris that people get in terms of communal politics who push the boundaries of social orthodoxy in a way permissible by halacha, is too much for me to plan a life weathering it. so i’m not sure i want to go to maharat.

barring a Hadar smicha programme which they did say explicitly they weren’t planning to do, i will probably go to JTS. if they’ll have me, i mean. i am not in love with the idea of leaving england for 5 years, but there is nowhere in england (theres one reform rabbinical school where you can get masorti smicha but they dont. teach you halacha? which is something of a deal breaker for me even if everything else was perfect for me, which it is not), so (shrug).

i am aware that by making this denominational decision i am just switching the external tzuris of gender politics and internal tzuris of torah min hashamayim for external tzuris of trying to get non orthodox jews to keep halacha and internal tzuris of whatever the h*ck masorti jews have as theology

im in my 2nd year of my degree right now so basically what this means is i shld go back to hadar this summer & not get an internship, if possible, but also that i can stop trying to figure out what to do With My Life

thank you all, you know? for being here with me, for however long.

[he-harim]

also, on friday night i went to my local united (i.e. orthodox) synagogue because the masorti synagogue i usually attend doesn’t do kabbalat shabbat.

there was a women’s kabbalat shabbat on in the main shul (the men’s service was downstairs in another room and i assume women were also able to attend, but the women’s kabbalat shabbat was the first room i passed)

i didn’t know whether it was on as the shul website said they did women’s kab shab, but it wasn’t every week and you need a login to the shul’s website to find out which weeks it was on, but they have a kab shab every week at that time so i knew there’d be a thing

yeah and it was really nice, everyone was perceptibly dusting off their hebrew from school but you could tell it was robust hebrew. it was also nice to be part of a halachic community that was driven about feminism (they’d started the women’s kab shab group this winter!) but wasn’t just people my age, it was actually all people my parents’ age or slightly younger, that was refreshing

in terms of davening quality i’ve maybe been in nicer places, but the quality of the space was wonderful and the quality of the community was also wonderful

also i chatted to the rebbetzin who is lovely and did not explode into venomous sectarianism or patronisingness when it came up that i go to a masorti shul usually, which in retrospect it was stupid to expect but (shrug)

...yeah it’s making me think that i could maybe hack orthodoxy

oh and i hung out in more nonhalachic jewish spaces and its making me think i could maybe not hack those

[he-harim]

yesterday i went to see

my rabbi

*this is my day old memory of what he said and it was an emotional (and one-to-one) encounter, pls don’t take this as Masorti/Conservative Doctrine or a halachic post or anything -- if u have a question about the halacha i mention, i can probably find you a source*  

i went in to talk about two things. one was what i should do why my summer, and by extension my life, and one was my ~relationship to god and by extension halacha~

(Next summer I could either go back to Yeshivat Hadar or do an internship and get money. Hadar would equip me better for becoming a rabbi, an internship would help me more for getting another job. It’s been on my mind because since I was ten, people have been asking me if i wanted to be a rabbi. I always knew it was, like, if I’d liked science they would have said “you should be a scientist”, but this summer two rabbinical students and a chazzanit told me I should really think about being a rabbi, so I figured they know whereof they speak, and also the rabbinate might be something I’m actually interested in myself.)

I sat down and he asked whether I wanted to shut the door, which until then I hadn’t thought of, but I was like yeah, sure.

And I started to talk about becoming a rabbi, and I hadn’t really realised until I started talking, or I had realised and knew but didn’t plan to raise it, but I feel like the lechatchila way to be a Jew and live a rich authentic flourishing Jewish life includes as a necessary, though not sufficient, part, marrying a partner of another sex and having children. And for me that’s not really a possibility if i want to live halachically. (even if i met a mamzer or ger or ben gerim, i’m very unconvinced of the goodness of having procreative sex and getting impregnated and then ejecting that baby from myself using my very own organs, not to mention the mamzeirut thing) So I want to give my life to Judaism in another way, that’s part of the motivation here. 

(I’ve been reading a lot of a wonderful blog by some celibate christian lesbians, http://aqueercalling.com/, which has been really interesting but on reflection may have given me mistaken ideas about how to build a good Jewish life.)

The rabbi sort of sat with that for a moment or two and then asked me to elaborate, which I don’t know why I didn’t expect him to ask, and then I stopped looking him in the eye and looked instead directly up and away from him at the upper corner of the room because that’s what i do when i talk to rabbis about this, because otherwise i will cry and i am not ready to cry in front of really any rabbi that i know. And I said, “in 1926, my great grandma didn’t divorce her first husband, and... yeah”. 

And then he was like... there are, halachic solutions? So I talked a bit about the history of the case, and then... uh. I’d talked to Rav Eitan when I was at Yeshivat Hadar about this, and he said that the Rambam says that the problem of mamzeirut comes into play with a combination of kiddushin and biah, with either one on their own not being a problem. (he’s very much a da’at yachid on this so it’s not what we tend to do today, though some people will use it in combination with lots of other factors, like if there’s a significant safek on the mamzeirut and stuff.... yeah) 

Biah is not really in my life plans at the moment, and I’m not wild about kiddushin either. That’s just the Rambam, but according to everyone else the problem is either kiddushin or sex.... so i could hypothetically just get shutafut or something with some kind of... person with whom i had a mutual desire to be and a mutual desire not to have sex with one another?  And then, uh, I had to explain that too. Like I just had to whip out all my innermost stuff in front of this man. Seeing as it was halachically relevant. The exact words I used were, “you might as well know all my secrets, uh, i identify as asexual, that means i don’t experience sexual attraction.” Which is a horrible feeling! I don’t want to talk to rabbis about sexual identity, at least not as it pertains to me!

(the relevant rabbi is an absolutely wonderful human being and it was good i think to have talked to him about this, i just don’t... it’s just not a discussion i want to have with non-peer-figures, i think. well, i say that, but i’d be comfortable telling one of my lecturers at uni, so maybe it is just rabbis)

I told him I had heard about the Conservative approach, which is to refuse to accept anything at all as sufficient evidence for mamzeirut. Which i think is specious in the face of a chazaka, 3 generations of documents, and the work of another beit din, for my case, but uh. Yeah.

Then he said he’d make anonymous enquiries about it with some people that he knows through being a masorti rabbi, which I still don’t know if it’s something I want or not (I don’t not want it, I’m just not sure if I’m bothered? At this point I don’t have hope), but said it would be easier if I were laying an actual concrete case before him. (I also had to say I’m not sure where I stand with respect to romantic attraction, so. yeah.). He also said that he believes that there’s almost always a halachic solution to everything, especially a case when two Jews come before a rabbi because they want to build a bayit ne’eman b’yisrael, which I... don’t know about. I don’t. yeah. 

Then he gave me some really good advice about whether I should be a rabbi, but we ran out of time to talk about God, so uh, yeah.

[he-harim]

Today as Shabbat went out I finished reading the Tanach. 

This is something I’ve been doing for three years, since Sukkot 5775 when I’d just got back from Drisha (I’d just turned 16 that June). My parents and sister had gone on a holiday that I’d refused to go on because kosher/Sukkah/always Yom tov, and I was going stir crazy in a house with all the lights on.

On Drisha, one of my friends had placed in the last 5 of the international Chidon haTanach and so she had really broad Tanach knowledge and it made me very jealous -- or, not jealous, but very aware that I could know that much and didn’t -- especially as I’d never learnt pretty key things (King David etc) “inside”, or even seen the whole of the Torah in its original. And I had bought a Tanach for the programme so I thought, you know, why not?

And read it on and off for three years, polishing off three books in a day or not looking at it for months or years, and now. I’m done. Divrei haYamim Bet -- all done. So.

[he-harim]

yetzer haras i do not suffer from: cheeseburgers

yetzer haras that cause me great struggles: quoting psukim by heart; thinking of torah in the bathroom

[he-harim]

mishnayot ive looked at inside

masechet brachot (whilst on hadar; july/aug 2017, av 5777 if i remember correctly)

masechet megilla (directly after that i guess?)

masechet yoma (1-5 inclusive on YK 5778; 6-8 inclusive in cheshvan 5778, b/c i remembered i had it left over)

masechet moed katan (perek alef during/before chagim 5777-8?, perek bet+gimmel cheshvan 5778)

masechet rosh hashanah, (1 and 2 elul 5777, 3 + half of 4 cheshvan 5778, 2nd half of 4 kislev 5778)

masechet chagiga 1:1-2 cheshvan, 1:3-2:4 kislev, up to 3:6 tevet, fin. in shevat

masechet sukkah 1:1-8 kislev, to end of 4 shevat, to end in adar 5778

masechet sotah to 1:8 in cheshvan, to 2:3 in kislev, to the end of perek 5 in tevet, to end of 7 in shevat, finished (to 9:15) in adar

masechet taanit, perek 1 cheshvan, 2 kislev, to 4:4 inclusive shevat, finished (to 4:8) in adar

masechet pesachim to 3:1 shevat, to 5:2 adar, to end (10:9) nisan

masechet ketubot to 1:4 adar, end of 5 nisan, end of 12 iyar, to end (13:11) sivan

masechet kiddushin to end (4:14) sivan

masechet bava metzia 1-4:8 inclusive shevat, to the end of 5 adar, to 7:6 nisan, to 9:11 iyar, to end (10:6) sivan

masechet zevachim to 2:3 adar, 4:1 nisan, end of 8 iyar, to end (14:10) sivan

masechet beitzah to end of 2 iyar, to end of 5:3 sivan, to end (5:7) tammuz

masechet pirkei avot finished in av 5778 (got bored on shabbat & read it from my siddur on 2nd shabbat of keilim)

masechet shekalim to 6:6 tammuz, to end (8:8) av

masechet menachot end of 5 in tammuz, to 11:3 av, to end (13:11) elul

masechet tahorot to 3:2 sivan, to end of 6 tammuz, end of 7 av, to end (10:8) elul 5778

masechet chullin to end of 4 elul 5778, to end (12:5) tishrei 5779

masechet gittin to 1:5 sivan, 3:3 in tammuz, end of 4 av, 7:1 elul 5778, 8:5 tishrei 5779, to end (9:10) marcheshvan

masechet mikvaot to 2:5 elul 5778, to 6:6 tishrei 5779, end (10:8) marcheshvan

masechet avodah zarah to 1:7 in adar, 4:4 in nisan, 5:9 in marcheshvan 5779, end (5:12) kislev

mishna bechorot to 5:2 marcheshvan, end (9:8) kislev

mishna peah end of 2 marcheshvan, end of 5 kislev, end (8:9) tevet

masechet arachin 2:3 kislev, end of 6 tevet, end (9:8) shevat

mishna nedarim end of 2 marcheshvan, end of 5 kislev, to 9:4 inclusive tevet, end of 10 shevat, end (11:12) adar rishon

masechet bava kamma end of 1 tishrei 5779, end of 3 marcheshvan, end of 6 kislev, end of 8 tevet, 10:4 shevat, end (10:10) adar rishon

masechet demai to 3:1 tevet, to 6:1 shevat, end (7:8) adar rishon

masechet oktzin to end (3:12) adar rishon

masechet makkot 2:2 kislev, end of 2 shevat, to 3:5 adar rishon, to end (3:16) adar sheini

masechet temura to 3:4 adar rishon, to end (7:6) adar sheini

masechet kilayim to 3:2 adar rishon, to 6:2 adar sheini, to end (9:10) nisan

masechet shabbat to end of 2 tammuz, to 6:1 av, to end of 11 elul 5778,  to 16:3 tishrei 5779, to end of 17 marcheshvan, to end of 20 kislev, to 22:2 shevat, to 22:5 adar rishon, 23:2 nisan, end (24:5) iyar

masechet sheviit to 2:7 nisan, 4:6 iyyar, end (10:9) sivan

masechet kritot 1:2 adar sheini, end of 3 nisan, end of 5 iyyar, end (6:9) sivan

masechet yadayim to end of 1 iyyar, 3 sivan, end (4:8) av 

masechet meilah to end of 4 tamuz, end (6:6) av

masechet yevamot to 2:7 adar rishon, to end of 5 adar sheini, to end of 7 nisan, end of 11 iyyar, to 13:10 tammuz, to end (16:7) av

masechet terumot to end of 1 sivan, to 8:4 tamuz, to 9:5 av, to end (10:9) elul

kelim:

bava kamma (1-10) to 5:1 kislev, 7:2 tevet, end of 10 shevat

bava metzia (11-20) to 11:7 adar rishon, to end of 16 adar sheini, to 17:11 nisan, to end of 20 iyyar

bava batra (21-30) to end of 21 iyyar, to 27:1 av, fin (30:4) elul

tvul yom end of 2 elul, end (4:6) tishrei 5780

masechet tamid 1:1 av, 5:4 elul, end (7:4) tishrei 5780

masechet maasrot 2:6 elul, end of 3 tishrei 5780, to end (5:8) marcheshvan

masechet middot 1:4 tishrei 5780, 4:5 cheshvan, end (5:4) kislev

masechet kinnim 2:2 kislev, to end (3:6) tevet hadran alach seder kodashim

masechet maaser sheini 1:6 marcheshvan, 3:12 kislev, 5:1 tevet, end (5:15) shvat

masechet zavim to end of 3 shvat, end (5:12) adar

masechet challah to 3:1 shvat, end (4:11) adar

masechet orlah 1:3 adar, end (3:9) nisan

masechet bikkurim to end (4:5) nisan hadran alach seder zeraim

masechet horayot end (3:8) nisan

masechet sanhedrin to end of 1 elul, to 4:5 tishrei 5780, to 7:1 marcheshvan, 7:9 kislev, end of 9 tevet, 10:5 adar, fin (11:6) nisan

masechet ohalot to 2:2 tishrei 5780, 3:4 marcheshvan, end of 6 kislev, end of 9 shvat, end of 12 adar, 15:8 nisan, end (18:10) iyyar

masechet negaim to end of 5 iyyar, end (14:13) sivan

masechet shevuot to 1:4 nisan, to end of 4 iyyar, end of 6 sivan, end (8:6) tammuz

masechet parah to 3:2 sivan, end of 11 tammuz, fin (12:11) av

masechet niddah to end of 6 av, fin (10:8) tishrei 5781 

masechet makhshirin to end of 3 tishrei 5781, end (6:8) marcheshvan hadran alach seder tahorot

masechet bava batra to 2:5 adar rishon, to end of 5 adar sheini, end of 9 cheshvan 5781, end (10:8) kislev

masechet eruvin to end of 2 nisan, end of 4 iyar, end of 5 av, end of 6 tevet, to 7:5 iyyar, to 8:7 sivan, end of 9 tammuz, 10:14 elul 5780

masechet nazir 2:4 av, 4:2 elul, 5:3 tishrei 5780, end of 8 marcheshvan, 9:4 kislev

masechet eduyot 1:3 tammuz, 1:10 cheshvan 5781

[he-harim]

i’m blessed to have lots of great jews in my life who i feel comfortable asking things but it’s very hard and scary and hard

to go from “can i drink water before i hear kiddush” or “are microwaves a kashrut concern for me” to. “why bother keeping halacha” and “what does it mean for you to believe in god?” like. we know one another with our faces and you know my like, actions, like i’m not ashamed of keeping kosher and i’m not protective of the knowledge that i want to hear kiddush... but we don’t- i don’t know your soul and you don’t know mine, our hearts are strangers, which is lucky because it would be hard to live in the world if our hearts were open, but it makes it very hard to deliberately look someone in the face and just peel everything open once (here’s my naked thoughts) and twice (i need your help)

and the thing that is between the two is “how and why can or should i approach the torah being that there is a strange blemish in me”, and i have got half of it answered, unsurprisingly the purely ritual half (i can get an aliyah though maybe not write a sefer torah but)-;-

(answers to the, um, halachic questions: 1. yes if it’s before shacharit for shabbat morning kiddush; no on friday night, and no on shabbat morning post-shacharit. reason being that the obligation to hear shabbat day kiddush “kicks in” after shabbat shacharit 2. no)

[he-harim]

also, literally 5 mins after “”"rebuking””” that person about making me feel unwanted/unwelcome in judaism, or whatever, i wandered into a conversation about possibly having a women’s megilla reading in my uni city (this has never happened before), and got asked to start thinking about learning perek gimmel :) :) :) :) 

(before that though i got so angry i almost cried because they didn’t take the torah to the women’s side of the shul. it’s. a big change from a masorti shul. i really keep thinking that i’m fine with orthodoxy, and in theory i really am, just, in practice, i do not have access to the torah within it. literally and metaphorically. yea h.)