AYGTCB- Thoughs on Sebastians POV Chapter 16
((Chapter 16 was a Lewis POV chapter, and I think as much as it worked for the story I have so many thoughts about Sebastian's state of mind during the Greece holiday so I wrote a tiny little thing from his POV. Spoilers for chapter 16!))
Greece 2017
It's not until the second day that he realises why he's feeling so uncomfortable.
Really- it's not until Lewis hands him the coffee he made him with a small kiss to the corner of his mouth, and then just- just goes to get his sunglasses off the side of the kitchen counter.
As if this is all normal. As if they do this all the time. As if this casual affection is something they just do.
The problem is that it's everything Sebastians ever wanted- with the person he's always wanted it with.
It's so- it's so perfect that Sebastian could cry.
It's the perfect play-through of what it would be like if they dated. If Lewis was his boyfriend and they could just have this all day every day and be uncomplicated and happy.
But what does it mean to Lewis?
Does it mean the same thing it means to him?
Is Lewis just doing this because Sebastian got upset after Baku- does he think he needs to put on his act to keep him close? To keep being able to fuck him?
Lewis didn't fuck anyone in the years they didn't see each other and Sebastian is under no illusion that the reasoning has less to do with him and more to do with Lewis' issues and trust in other people. Maybe he's just doing whatever it takes to keep Sebastian close because it's so convenient to just fuck your friend instead of dealing with all the other shit that comes with dating men when you're a WDC with a very public profile.
It's just that once again Lewis has all the power doesn't he?
He's just come out of a year of the most fucked up intense mind games and even though Sebastian doesn't think that Lewis would do that to him.. he's not winning right now is he? He can't exactly just dismiss the idea that this is some sort of fucked up power play.
Because if he took this away from Sebastian now? He's not sure that wouldn't fuck him up. He's not sure that wouldn't fuck up his season.
No... no Lewis wouldn't do that right? Thats not what this is.
It's just so weird. Lewis has gone from being weird about any sort of gay affection to now being weird in the opposite direction, like, thats great and all but why?
Is this how he thinks friends act?
God- maybe he should have asked what they are, despite the consequences he knows that conversation would have.
If Lewis ever found out he was in love with him, then he's no sure he could deal with the humiliation of rejection.
The problem is that here- under the summer sun and crystal blue waters- everything feels blurry and possible.
Sebastian knows he's being weird- but how is he mean't to be normal about this?
~
Sebastian asks Lewis not to call him baby, because he knows Lewis doesn't mean it like he wants to hear it.
God, he even said it himself didn't he? He didn't mean anything by it.
He'll probably never mean anything by it.
God, not to sound like that creep from Love actually but like... it really is a self preservation thing, you see.
If he lets himself fall into Lewis' boyfriend play, then he's scared he's going to fall fall fall into the water and then when it gets pulled from underneath him- which it will- then he won't recover. He'll just drown.
He can't let that happen. He needs to create some space and be happy with what he has.
He can do that. He's been doing that for years after all.