Haza min fadhli rabbi
Growing up, i had always known i was the average kid. The one with only enough As to keep her happy. I was never the smartest kid in class, but I was never too behind. In a class of 40 people, you could find my name among the 20s and if I were lucky, i'd get no. 16 in class.
I sort of told myself i will never be good enough back in kindergarten. She was sitting there in front of the class and all of us sat on the floor. She called me and told me to get a torchlight from the other room and i did, but i couldn't find it. So i went back in class and told her, "I don't know where it is". She said to me in front of everyone, "Don't know, don't know. Aishah everything don't know." I wasn't hurt, i don't recall being hurt by what she said but i knew what it meant. I'm 20, and this memory of her is still fresh.
When i think about my sekolah rendah days, it was kind of rough. I was lucky i had great friends but i was barely holding up academically. I remember days when he threw my notebook across the room because i didn't remember how to do division. And during a maths exam, i forgot how to divide and he came up to me and tonyoh my head and said "itu pun tak boleh buat ke?". I got a 60 on that paper. It was a big fat C on the front page. I went home and mama was disappointed. Mama said she wasn't sad but disappointed. Which, is worst. And i remember in class once for science he told me to stand up and said "your marks are fluctuating, not like the rest of the class." That shit hurts. The only time i got an A for maths was upsr. And i was so thankful for that. I finally got an A.
My mrsm days were no different. I remember my first pointer during f1 it was 3.67 and someone said to me, "Oh, sikit nya". My personal experience in mrsm was purely shit. Don't get me wrong, they did everything right. I guess it was me, I was the problem. I remember failing sejarah in f3 and she lectured the whole class about if someone fails sejarah for spm. I failed sejarah. I failed addmaths multiple times. I've gotten a 4. And then 13. It was hell, and the worst part was i didn't know where did i go wrong in my studying methods. But Alhamdulillah, i picked myself up for spm and managed to get As for both of the subjects. Omg i remember this one time we were all in the psp and my name was called for subject kh because my results were so bad. I sat with some other people at the front of the psp with our papers in our hands,,, and the whole batch was there..... bodoh........ lol. I got a 43 on that paper. And there was this other guy whose name was called too but it was a mistake. And that night he texted me something like "weh tadi cg panggil nama aku tapi silap, satu batch nampak aku cam orang bodoh". Bitch, i was the stupid one. there were only 3 girls....... Got an A for kh for pt3. High school was tough to be honest. The highest pointer i had gotten was 3.77 and it was in my f5. Someone even came up to me dekat surau and said, "aishah i terkejut nampak nama you dekat page 3.7 and above!". Yeah, cause my name's never there. Lol. The lowest pointer i had ever gotten was a 2.8? I don't remember. But it was bad. Extremely bad. I could count the number of times i actually made myself feel good about myself when it came to studies. I only have 3 plagues of the anugerah pengetua. I graduated with an cgpa of exactly 3.5. It was boring because all of my friends were at the front. I was the last person to graduate in first class.
My foundation year in uia wasn't exactly easy either. I struggled hard with accounting. When everybody else got a 3.8, i got exactly 3.5. And i had to listen to my friend cry because she got a 3.65. Chill....... hhhh. I finished my foundation yr w a cgpa of 3.53. I really amazed myself this time around. When i opened the link to see my results i was shaking and when i saw my results i didn't realize tears were already running down my cheeks. I ran to mama and hugged ma and abah so tight. Alhamdulillah, haza min fadhli rabbi. I should never feel comfortable because this might be taken away from me anytime. I still have a long way to go so i should keep up, it's only the first sem anyway. I guess i finally found the right study method for myself, alhamdulillah. I hope i never feel comfortable or cocky with my results, because i know exactly what is feels like to stay in my room or head to the psp while everybody else were in the hall getting their deans list award.
Haza min fadhli rabbi 😭😭💛