aishahzailan

a personal blog

[mahirarichie]

life update

my birthday was yesterday!!

i didn’t hv anything planned and i didnt want to spend it alone at home tengok movies (jobless behaviour) hahaha so i asked my frens if they were free. ayunni was working and aina was at home so i drove to shah alam all by myself!! can u believe!!!! i drove!!!! alone!!!!! to shah alam!!!!!!! i rly hv grown up huh. lmao

abah and mama cam hesitant to let me drive alone but i cam hehe boleh ni and they let me off. it was a kewl experience but ngantuk do lmao biasanya i akan tidur en tapi this time i kena concentrate sksksks and the music kat radio bosan i cannot use aux smh!!! hahahaha anws i had a great day all in all. aina and sherry cooked toppoki and kimchi fried rice which was rly good i might want to masak it myself one day. and sherry gave me a shadow palette WTFFF BEST GILA HAHAHAHA my very first palette!!!

anw when i came home THERE WERE FLOWERS ON THE TABLE FOR MEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SUKA SANGAT THEY WERE HYDRANGEAS AND ADA ROSEEEEEEE TF LAWA SANGAT NAK NANGIS SEMALAM. it was none other from my two babies aina and ayunni god i love them so much ;_;

i miss my friends damn tak sabar nak noni cuti or sth so we can keluar togets hh and this morning i was thinking about myself and all hahaha and i just realised how i avoid every guy that i like smh.... and i had the nerve to ask myself why we stopped talking... it’s me!!! i guess sebab i suka that person i cam takodt i mess up or sth so i just avoid talking to them completely smh aishah... rip aishah’s love life sksksksk okay la that’s all for nowww

gonna insert some pics from yday riiiiiight here

[earthdad]

friendly reminder

i am suffering

[teacupstudies]

Just a little reminder that everything seems a little bit easier after taking a few deep breaths. You can do this.

[mahirarichie]

i just realised i was goin thru an attack jn after talking to my sister about it. somehow i knew what to do when it happened. didn’t occur to me that it was an attack, ig because i tak dapat jumpa what was bothering me. cam kalau i kena attack dekat uni it’s always masa exam or quiz season, all i’m thinking about was nak dapat A. sekarang ni i kat rumah my mind relax sikit and i have nothing to think and stress about. i need to keep myself busy, i still tak feel good. should i consider seeking professional help or am i romanticising it. that’s the problem... i takut benda ni kecik je tapi tengok tengok i yang besar besar kan like i yang convince myself it’s more than it actually is. tbh i cam takut orang judge gak cam what la this girl sikit je tapi dia lebih lebih pulak. i mean, pernah je someone cakap dekat i “aah you memang romanticise things pun” gelak gelak tapi i tahu she meant it eventho cara dia cakap cam nak joke

[mahirarichie]

social media gives me so much anxiety i get so nervous opening twitter and then snapchat and instagram and back at twitter my heart races so bad i don’t know what’s making me so scared about

[arabicmoney]

my circle so small i almost cut myself off

[mahirarichie]

i always thought things like these only happens in movies. i grew up being the friend third degrees from the lead role, even in my own story. and today, the director decided to give me screen time of my own. it felt like there was a narrator above me, watching me every move. never thought i’d see that day of being the protagonist of a coming of age film, in a toilet stall- crying. but that’s the problem with me, i can’t cry in public or else my face would scream to everyone “I Just Cried In The Toilet Stall So Mind Your Own Business”. i’m keeping it in, but i can’t keep it in for too long. i can’t play the blame game on the retrograde and how the stars are alining differently today because it had always been in me. something is wrong with me and the only person noticing it is me. i’ve been binge watching gossip girl but my mind is somewhere else i always find myself lost and end up not understanding what’s going on. i zone out even in real life conversations i feel like i’m not a part of it anymore. i pushed my friends away i’m pushing everyone away and i have the audacity to ask myself why isn’t anybody checking up on me or talking to me. i don’t know how else should i express myself. i hate writing down my feelings because i always end up crying and the only person making me cry is me. maybe i’m just looking for a medium to express at the wrong places because nothing is working for me. i feel even sad when i’m writing this right not and i feel even worse after. i tried painting but i end up with a blank canvas full of eraser dusts because i want everything to be perfect i want my expression to be perfect and i beat myself up for it if it’s not what i wanted to see so the paper would end up crushed in the bin anyway. i tried making jewellery to convert my feelings into my hands and i ended up breaking my wires into two. so here i am today in starbucks, crying my heart out typing on my phone. i have no one else to talk to. all i want is to be a part of something and i’m not even a part of my own story. i have no friends or family to reach out to. nanti kalau i kahwin i tak tahu nak ajak siapa sebab i ada dua kawan je and they'll be my bridesmaids so tempat seats kosong. tapi tu pun tak sure because i feel like i've pushed them away jugak.

[mahirarichie]

life update

6th July

i had a very early morning, which was nice. but it wasn’t exactly nice, a little funny actually. i signed up for a mandarin class in PJ and today was supposed to be my first class. however, when i sampai, the grill is still locked and takde orang pun dekat situ. which was weird, right. so i called the lady, and she didn’t answer. my parents dah worried if they were a scam hahahaha because we paid rm350 already. abah called them a few times and they finally replied my whatsapp and guess what!! the class was actually postponed and i wasn’t informed :(

anyways, i went back home and terus buka laptop to compile all my writings. idky i felt the sudden urge to compile it all. i laughed on my own reading my past writings, how childish it sounded! and i deleted the pieces i wrote at times i want to forget forever. some things are good riddance. i felt liberated deleting those pieces. it was about time. and something i noticed was that i loved the pieces when i write about myself most as compared to others. maybe because i truly connect to it on another level. and i also noticed a pattern, that if i wasn’t my muse, it was you.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

to myself,

i refuse to give up on you. i won’t. not gonna happen.

[mahirarichie]

Dr. Belmeur Daily Repair Zinc Tone Correcting Cream Review

what’s up homies this is my first time doing one of these reviews hahaha. i’m doing this review because when i wanted to buy this cream for myself, of course i nak cari review kan but susah gilaaa tak jumpa cari. so here it is on the internet!! ok just to put it out there, i wanted to buy this cream because kan my skin inflamed from rosacea which caused hypo-pigmentation on my cheek area. so i nak fix my skin la hahahhaah

bought this cream from The Face Shop @ the curve, mutiara when it was on sale. the price is quite expensive, RM150.00 for 80ml. i dah buang the packaging but kat situ ada tulis the ingredients, somehow i tak jumpa the ingredient list on the site??

the texture is reaaalllyyyy thicc and creamy, so i guna sikit je. i used this only for a few times and i noticed a change in my skin toneeee. from really putih bc of the inflammation, my skin is coming back to the original colour after a few times i pakai. but do note i didn’t use this everyday sebab malas ehe. 

one thing i tak suka about this product is the white cast. it leaves my skin nampak cam kelabu gila even i pakai sikit so i need to take some time massaging it in sampai betul betul absorb into my skin. would i repurchase it? no because sikit is enough already for me. unless, my skin gets inflamed again and the cycle comes up then i would. 

[mahirarichie]

life update?

3rd july 2019

soooooooooooo my last *extremely* personal post was exactly 2 months ago (3rd april) and i’m really happy how better things have changed. my skin is doing better, and i don’t get anxious on a daily basis anymore. it just shows how uni takes a toll on me hahaha. i know i should not be putting so much pressure on myself but i feel like.... my education is the only thing i have to offer? my hobbies are below average, to be frank. and since i was diagnosed w sle (although very mild), i guess i’m aware of the workplace discrimination (or maybe this is just me and i’m overreacting), i have to stay relevant. which is... thru my studies. hahaha. but oh well!! happy to share that i got 4.0 again hehe yay me. my dream goal is to get 4.0 every sem just like her!!!!! if Allah wills. 

i haven’t been doing much during my holidays.. kinda feel useless bc so many of my friends are taking part time jobs and making schmoney and i kat rumah tengok gossip girl everyday.. hh i takde life do..... tak keluar rumah.... tengok gossip girl.............

i tried learning mandarin on my own but i now dah banyak hari i stopped LMAO let’s see when i’ll start again ahahaha when i get my shit together and can speak mandarin it’s over for u bitches!!! hahaha joking. i wonder when that’ll be kshdskh i can’t even pronounce zh ch q c x right

[mahirarichie]

the sun was glaring in her eyes, she could barely open them but it didn’t matter. it should have mattered but that was the last thing on her mind. she knew that she couldn’t stand under the sun for too long, but she wanted to be there in that moment. standing next to you felt like home to her.

she was on high, higher than cloud nine for the first few days and maybe she still feels the same way today, miles apart. it felt different, it was as if nobody else were there, and she was filled with so many emotions because all she ever wanted was to relive that day over and over again. and to make things worse, there were no scent to help her remember. but it was alright because all she ever wanted was to be there, under the sun, next to you.

[mahirarichie]

30 june 2019

whats up homies i just got back from aina’s open house and i had a really great time. i want to write more about today but some things are better left unsaid hehe. maybe next time :p

i’ve been away for the longest time and i am more than happy to be me right now. i took a social media break last two weeks and it was... liberating? i should do it again. it was really nice to not check twitter or instagram right after i wake up. and now that i am back on social media, i can’t remember what i did right after waking up?? lol. i think i went straight ahead with my day. i think the right way is to take it slow i guess. start with not checking my phone first thing in the morning and lama lama baru tak depend as much. cam yike la jugak bosan je tengok twitter aaaa tak healthy betul hahahahha

oki i guess that’s it for now. i happy sangat harini aaaaaa hehe xoxo

[mahirarichie]

3rd april 2019

sometimes i forget to breathe and somedays i forget how to breathe and on some i hold my breath because i don’t know when to stop and it hurts my throat when i try to control how i breathe. sometimes i accidentally fall sleep at 6pm and wake up at 9pm but on the good days i make myself take a shower early so I won’t fall asleep. somedays i don’t shower at all. and somedays i can’t tell whether the water was from my hair or my eyes or my nose. on the good days i can wake up at 7am maybe 6am but on other days i wake up just enough time for me to get ready for class. on the good days i can eat. on the bad days i gag at the smell of food. on the good days i can focus and i can study but not on the bad days. somedays i make sure my curtains are wide open and i make sure the windows are too. somedays i make sure the door is locked and somedays i. have to take a breather outside of my room for a good 5 minutes. some days are better than others and i’m trying my best, i’m trying really hard to be the best version of me and i am trying i really am trying. i showered today so i guess that’s okay.

[forestdwellingrat]

Here’s to all the people

With scars from their skin condition

Who have ever been told not to wear shorts or T-shirts because they should ‘cover it up’

Who feel like their body is gross or ugly

Who have been pointed at and called disgusting

Who always wear long clothes to cover up

Who get people without a skin condition telling them how to manage it

Who have 6843 different creams and lotions and have lost track of which ones they’re supposed to be using right now.

You’re all beautiful, you’re all fantastic and you’re all doing a great job

[mahirarichie]

2nd april

Hi. Life has been really overwhelming these past few weeks. I skipped some classes just because and it was very out of character of me.

I have to not be so hard on myself. I need to learn how to take it easy. I need to learn how to breathe when i can't.

Till next time

[ravenzoe]

this post is for anyone who feels a little lost right now. maybe you don’t know what your path in life is yet. maybe you hate your job. maybe you’re still in school and you’ve changed your major three times. maybe you’re confused about what it is that you want. maybe you know exactly what you want but have no idea how to get it. 

you will figure it out. you are not dead yet. you are going to figure your shit out. i believe in you.