I know I say “kill me” a lot, but especially with times like these, I really want to mean it. I do. I fuckin’ hate life, I’ll tell you that much. Not being able to afford to live, or barely scraping by eats at me on a daily basis, and with my previous job cutting my hours so hard I had to quit it and jumped into my new job that was also on a “we’ll call you” basis that’s supposed to be picking up soon, I just really don’t want this to be what my life consists of. Every time I visit my grandparents or my parents, I always get a lecture. “Stop spending so much money on games!” You do realize I don’t actually spend money on games, right? I sell older games to hopefully afford a newer game. That’s it. Otherwise, someone else buys it for me. Very rarely do I spend actual money on a game, and still people don’t believe me because I own games. Games are not the source of my problem. I’m pretty sure without games, I would have lost any source of creativity a long time ago. I’m not very easily entertained or stimulated. Books aren’t too exciting for me unless I get the right one, which doesn’t happen very often at all. I can’t do crafts well yet so I’m still working on it, and even that takes a lot of mental power. Sitting around and typing and drawing takes a metric fuckton of mental strength out of me. It’s not as easy as everyone thinks it is.
I hate waking up in the morning. I so very much envy people that don’t have to do a damn thing and get handed free money without doing anything to earn it and don’t have to worry about anything or do anything to live. I’ve always gotten my ass kicked when I’m down, and even having 2-3 jobs at a time I STILL couldn’t afford to live. Complaining it’s not fair won’t get me anywhere, but damnit, if you complain about life being hard and it’s proven that all you really have to do with your life is sit around and waste money on things, then your life is not hard. You don’t have to go outside every day and pray you still have a job when you walk into work. You don’t have to hope to whatever higher power you look upon that you can still have a functioning car to get to your job, or have enough money to eat that day.
I know I’m not talented. I know half the community I try to be involved in has basically blacklisted me out of the community as a whole. I know I don’t have much to offer, or have a lot of friends that can help me out in my time of need. “Just make more money!” is my usual advice given, but unless I completely abandon the notion of eating or resting, that’s not physically possible. I can earn a little more, but not by much. Trust me, I’ve tried.
I know this account is only really used for reblogs of shitposts and Undertale art, but...I had to get it off my chest, even if nobody cares or even bothers to look at my blog. I don’t care. It helped a little. There’s no real point to this post other than for me to complain (and I do know there are people that have it worse than me etc etc, but I have feelings too). I am heavily suicidal but I’m not going to off myself. I have to stick around at least for my cat, he needs me.
When I spend entire days crying almost nonstop and can barely hold back from bursting into tears at work, I just wanted to talk to someone about it, even if that someone is actually no one and nobody really gives a flying hoot to begin with if I have problems or not. I’m sure there are people out there that despise me that are just waiting for something like this to happen, like yes, I totally deserved this. I deserved losing my uncle and cousin within a month’s time from each other. I deserved running out of money and having to skip eating as much as physically possible. I deserved to stop having many friends. I deserved to lose the one friend closest to me that I thought, well, knew, would never leave me. I deserved to get sick almost every day except one out of the week.
And now, I deserve my car breaking down without the funds to repair it for months even though it needs to be fixed as soon as possible or else it’ll combust.
So, to everyone that really doesn’t like me for whatever reason:
You got your wish. My life officially went down the shitter. I totally deserved it and I hope this brought a smile to your face. Sorry to disappoint, but I won’t be killing myself. Sometimes I want to, but I don’t want to give you everything that you want.
