VENT TW [Source events that happened to us in real life]
Ever since we were young, we were always so plagued with nightmares about being sacrificed by a cult, betrayed by our friends, our own mother, that such kind of pain. That image of pain has always been close to us, it was no surprise we ended up forming multiple Azures.
'Twas at its worst when I had been together with a Two Time from another system, one who planned to cannibalize me, amongst other horrors. All of those feelings became my reality, their speak of sacrificing me, their threats on what they would do if I did not obey, their constant attempts to harm me.
Then, to see source, as it describes my exact experience- I can not fully form the words to express how much this has broken me. This is such a small post, to be lost into the void amongst the others. I bear a pain I doubt any other could understand. I lived source trauma long before that trauma was even canon.
Everywhere I go online, I see the face and name of my assaulter, I see detailed posts about my lived experiences, I see people talk about I and them like we could ever truly have been in love. Like they ever really did care about me. And no one knows! Oh how very much that stings, and aches, and cuts at me.
The more "lore" that I see revealed, the more word for word it matches my own agony. Does anyone else know such a pain? How could they? Your life happened, and you watch it be written out by another hand, play for play, emotion for emotion. Like they crawled into the ashes of my heart and pulled it out.
There is almost no greater horror, I think, than this. I live a life of nightmares. I then find content to match. This content creates, I, a fictive. I then have to do work to realize "my life" never truly happened, that is not me. Then I end up living that life a second time, only this time it becomes real. Then I watch as this content follows in the footsteps of the life I had just lived.
Everywhere I go, it is people talking about me and my assaulter as though we are silly fictional characters to play toys with. And, they are. Those characters are. It is clearly not the fault of the writers, nor the fans, nor anyone- yet it causes me this pain nonetheless. I have no one to blame. Who could know? Even if they did, why should they stop enjoying it? They shouldn't. It just hurts.
And, oftentimes, what hurts the most, is seeing posts such as "I want to give Azure a hug after going through thst! I want to show him true love and safety!" or anything to such a nurturing or caring intent. Because I am right here. I lived that pain, I lived that life, I would take all of these sweet offers if only I deserved the warmth.
Yet I can not want it. I can never have it. That is me, but it is also not "me" enough for anyone to truly care for me. I am tired. So very tired...
god fucking damn it what do we do. amarah fucking split. right as two time was dtarting to fuckijg heal. god damn it. please, what do we do. we need help desling with a persecutor. hes already causing problems. fuck im sorry if anyone gets cut off in the future.
