Apr 20, 2023
WHO THE FUCK AM I LOLOL
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WHO THE FUCK AM I LOLOL
Done dad. I guess you really never wanted me in your life. You just wanted another cookie cutter long hair cis straight daughter with a husband and 1.5 kids. I went through all that religious bullshit to finally figure out what I like and who I am and it’s not good enough. You think all my issues in life are related to me being gay and how I look. I’m too fucking in your face. Not ‘normal’ right? How did you seriously tell me the issues I’m having right now with my job is SERIOUSLY RELATED TO HOW I LOOK!!!! I haven’t worked in 2 months bc I’m passing out and having dizzy spells. I’m waiting for short term disability to finish processing and dong instacart to survive. But apparently all my issues stem from how I look. Doesn’t matter that I’ve NEVER HAD ISSUES AT ANY JOB RELATED TO HOW I present, or look, or anything to do with me being gay. It’s been homophobic GUESTS AND VISITORS NOT COWORKERS. I’m done. I wouldn’t take this treatment from strangers let alone family. You either accept the full me or you get none, and you can also choke on me. I am who I am.
And I can’t say it, and it fucking sucks.
I just need to keep telling myself I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m allowed to feel this way?
I wanted to do things right this time. You asked me to be your girlfriend first, you told me you loved me first. I was trying to go as slow as possible so I didn’t fuck up.
I didn’t fuck up by existing
I didn’t fuck up by existing
I didn’t fuck up by existing
I didn’t fuck up by being me
Idk what I did. Idk if I was too much. I keep trying to tell myself that I wasn’t. You asked me to be your girlfriend first. . You told me you loved me first. I’m sorry for my drama. Idk. Maybe we are both going through a lot and can’t handle it idk.
When am I ever going to feel not too much for someone else? Ever in my life?
Do I really have a connection with anyone in my life? Friends, relationships? Anyone? I thought it was just relationships and now Tracy isn’t talking to me. I’m too much for family, too much for friends, too much for partners. Why
Why. Fucking why.
What’s it like to be close to someone. To be an actual partner? Have I ever been that? Ever? Between Steve Clarissa and Lizzy? Was I ever an actual fucking partner? Have I ever been even OKAY at a relationship? We’re any of you ever actually with me? Why am I questioning everything?