THE BAD QURAN, PT 2: SURAH 3
Now look, I think y’all have seen that I have been more than fair and generous in this labeling scheme of mine. It really ain’t my fault that an absurd 69 out of 200 ayat in surah three are simply unavoidably bad.
The surah’s badness is pretty back-heavy, as most of it is found in Mohammed’s desperate ranting about the Battle of Uhud. But a bit of it comes before that. In fact, it’s only four ayat into the surah that we come across our first “disbelievers are doomed blah blah blah” rant in 3:4, which is followed by a longer rant about how disbelievers are fuel for the Fire, “like Pharaoh’s folk”, and will (again) go to hell in 3:10-12. 3:13 says that Allah helped the Muslims win over the Meccan force defending the caravan at Badr.
3:19 is another kuffar are doomed rant, as are 3:21-24, which is a long, demented rant mostly against Jews (who “slew the prophets”), saying that they have failed in this life and the next, that they ignore Allah’s teachings, and that their belief in a temporary hell is wrong (they will be burned in hell forever).
3:28 is the ayah instructing Muslims to not take non-Muslims as “auliya”, meaning friends or helpers or something of that nature, unless they are doing it specifically to trick the non-Muslims for safety purposes. 3:100 (and 3:149) similarly tells Muslims to never obey non-Muslims. 3:118-19 says that Muslims should also not take non-Muslims as “intimates”/close companions in general, and that even if you love one of them, they don’t love you. In fact 3:120 says that the non-Muslim “intimates” secretly rejoice when their Muslim loved ones are suffering. Mohammed’s gaslighting was real.
3:32 again dooms disbelievers, as does 3:56.
3:60-61 and 3:63 has Mohammed telling his followers to never question him (those who do are corrupters) and denounces those who disagree with his theological beliefs as “liars”.
3:69 tells Muslims that there are Jews who are trying to lead them astray (and again in 3:99) by doing foul things like uh... debating Mohammed, I guess. Mohammed chastises them for not believing his “revelations” and for confounding “the truth with falsehoods” in 3:71. He tells his followers about Jews who falsely pretend to be Muslims (3:72) and generally inspires distrust and paranoia towards non-Muslims.
3:75 repeats anti-Semitic tropes about Jews who are greedy and take monetary advantage of non-Jews. 3:80 instead criticizes Christians and calls them disbelievers who disobey Muslim!Jesus, which 3:82 tells us makes them wrongdoers.
3:85 basically summarizes the Quran, with “Surrender” literally being the word “Islam”:
whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter.
3:86-88 says that "people who disbelieved after their belief” are wrongdoers, cursed by Allah, and hellbound. Even if they claim to repent, they will not be accepted by Allah unless they genuinely believe again, says 3:90, and when they die they will have painful doom according to 3:91.
Whew. Now we’re entering the second half of the surah. Deep breath.
3:105 is another zzzz disbelievers are doomed zzzz ayah. 3:106, while similar in theme, at least has more interesting imagery, saying Muslims will have their faces whitened and non-Muslims will have theirs blackened on the Day of Judgement. Allah: PROBLEMATIC.
3:110 says that most Jews are bad people. 3:111 says that, in battle, they will run away “and afterward they will not be helped”. 3:112 says that Allah’s wrath is upon them.
3:116-17 says disbelievers are doomed etc (also see 3:131) and have harmed themselves by not believing.
And now, basically until the end of the surah, we deal with the Battle of Uhud aftermath. As a refresher, Mohammed ordered his people to raid some caravans headed to Mecca. Some poor trader ended up dead. The Meccans got mad because it was during a truce month and began sending armed forces out with their caravans. Mohammed ordered his followers to attack them again at Badr and won, and they continued to raid after that; the Meccans got mad and later marched to deal with these idiots in Medina. Mohammed sent his forces out to meet them in the middle at Uhud. Despite Mohammed promising that the disbelieving army would be defeated by Allah (see above), this was not what happened. Thus the excuses, mostly involving “this was a test!!” or “it’s your fault for not believing enough!!”.
3:127-28 says that in the next battle(s), Allah will “cut off a part of those who disbelieve, or overwhelm them so that they retire, frustrated” because they are “evil-doers”. 3:137 tells Muslims that the disbelieving civilizations of old perished (due to their disbelief), implying that the same will happen to the Meccans (and alas this was correct, thanks to Mo & Crew, but I digress).
3:140-42 says that though it appeared as though the Muslims got their asses kicked, the Meccans somehow received an equal blow, and that Allah will eventually blight the disbelievers--but only after “tests” like Uhud, where Allah determined which Muslims were faithful enough and which were not. Uh... yeah, great excuse, bud.
3:147 praises ancient people who fought and killed alongside “prophets” and prayed for “victory over the disbelieving folk” in battle.
We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve because they ascribe unto Allah partners, for which no warrant hath been revealed. Their habitation is the Fire, and hapless the abode of the wrong-doers.
Welp. (The next ayah in 3:152 blames Muslims and their lack of courage for their failures at Uhud.)
3:154 is insane brainwashing nonsense, with Mohammed chastising his followers who (quite reasonably!) wonder if their friends’ deaths during the battle were truly inevitable; this is repeated in 3:156. 3:155 invokes Satan in explaining the loss, saying that the cowardly Muslims themselves were influenced by him.
3:165-68 again gives the “it was just a test, bro!” excuse. Mohammed also says that those who refused his order to fight were teetering on the edge of disbelief and mocks those who question whether there might have been some way to avoid so many deaths. 3:188 says that those who refuse to join Mohammed’s military expeditions will be punished for it.
3:176 blah blah kuffar doomed blah. 3:177 same. 3:178 same again. Oh Allah, why did you make this surah so long and boring?!
3:181 is another rant about Jews being greedy and evil, and 3:183 invokes the “Jews killed the prophets” thing. 3:184 says that they refuse to follow Mohammed because of this legacy of denying prophets. 3:187 repeats surah two’s accusations of the Jews “hiding” the (non-existent) parts of the Torah that supposedly predict Mohammed’s prophethood; this makes them evil.
Finally, 3:196-97 says that even though disbelievers may have temporary successes, they will burn in helzzzzzzzz.
Okay, that’s it. It’s over. Praise Allah for fucking real, that was ROUGH.
SPECIAL BONUS SECTION: HALL OF SHAME!
The following ayat condemn disbelievers to hell and pinged our kuffar hell counter. They will be copied and pasted word-for-word. Enjoy!
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah, theirs will be a heavy doom.
(On that Day) neither the riches nor the progeny of those who disbelieve will aught avail them with Allah. They will be fuel for Fire. Like Pharaoh's folk and those who were before them, they disbelieved Our revelations and so Allah seized them for their sins. And Allah is severe in punishment. Say (O Muhammad) unto those who disbelieve: Ye shall be overcome and gathered unto Hell, an evil resting-place.
Whoso disbelieveth the revelations of Allah (will find that) lo! Allah is swift at reckoning.
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah, and slay the prophets wrongfully, and slay those of mankind who enjoin equity: promise them a painful doom.
As for those who disbelieve I shall chastise them with a heavy chastisement in the world and the Hereafter; and they will have no helpers.
And whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter.
How shall Allah guide a people who disbelieved after their belief and (after) they bore witness that the messenger is true and after clear proofs (of Allah's Sovereignty) had come unto them. And Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. As for such, their guerdon is that on them rests the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They will abide therein. Their doom will not be lightened, neither will they be reprieved
Lo! those who disbelieve, and die in disbelief, the (whole) earth full of gold would not be accepted from such an one if it were offered as a ransom (for his soul). Theirs will be a painful doom and they will have no helpers.
And be ye not as those who separated and disputed after the clear proofs had come unto them. For such there is an awful doom, On the Day when (some) faces will be whitened and (some) faces will be blackened; and as for those whose faces have been blackened, it will be said unto them: Disbelieved ye after your (profession of) belief? Then taste the punishment for that ye disbelieved.
Lo! the riches and the progeny of those who disbelieve will not avail them aught against Allah; and such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein.
And ward off (from yourselves) the Fire prepared for disbelievers.
We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve because they ascribe unto Allah partners, for which no warrant hath been revealed. Their habitation is the Fire, and hapless the abode of the wrong-doers.
Let not their conduct grieve thee, who run easily to disbelief, for lo! they injure Allah not at all. It is Allah's Will to assign them no portion in the Hereafter, and theirs will be an awful doom. Those who purchase disbelief at the price of faith harm Allah not at all, but theirs will be a painful doom. And let not those who disbelieve imagine that the rein We give them bodeth good unto their souls. We only give them rein that they may grow in sinfulness. And theirs will be a shameful doom.
Let not the vicissitude (of the success) of those who disbelieve, in the land, deceive thee (O Muhammad). It is but a brief comfort. And afterward their habitation will be hell, an ill abode.
The beauty of Islam indeed.
Well, fam, we made it. In less than a month we’ve slogged through 500 ayat and conquered two of the longest surah (plus one short one) After this surah, there are only two more as long or longer than these.
The next one is called “the women”. You already know it’s gonna be a mess. Join us tomorrow for the intro.
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