#bakajul

[ikitsumidaminito]

ruair replied to your post

“furafii replied to your post:*touches the butt*OH NO! YOU SAW THROUGH...”

Yeah touch that butt

Haru I’m going after your butt next (because waifu privileges)

(and then get told “no” again QQ)

[ikitsumidaminito]

oh man oh man I got this cute as heck drawing idea for HaruJul with the song “That’s the Way It Is” (Celine Dion)

omg the fluffffffff ideas QwQ

Cute little Jul trying to be supportive and everything and trying her hardest

[ikitsumidaminito]

One of my best frands just went and told me something yesterday that I was like “YEP I’M DIGGING MY OWN HOLE” about

“you do tend to fall for guys that are very near the edge of asexual” 

Which idk, probably aromantic is the right term to use, but it’s still true regardless OTL

And romance for me is a drive lol

why heart why

[ikitsumidaminito]

Lately I’ve been stressed with school being busy and now I have a new job that I’m hesitant to keep because it’s dealing with food again, and that’s something I didn’t want to go back into because of the eczema on my finger that flares up due to constantly washing my hands...

That and my usual emotional woes made me go back to reading shoujo manga (because when I start getting into reblogging ships and shoujo manga, that’s the indicator that I’m not getting emotional fulfillment. But why should I, when I think about the past two years and the gradual amount of luck I’ve had in that time?

That’s why I go read shoujo manga to cope. Ship to cope. I seek out the parallels that are in my mind because sometimes, it can help me see something that I was messing up on or give me that extra push to make a bolder move. It’s how realistic the characters are that draw me into some series, because that makes it easier to find the parallels I’m looking for to guide me in the right direction.

I was reading Yumemiru Taiyou today and the parallel between the gradually-growing relationship between Shimana and Taiyou just reminded me so much of my situation that I ended up reading it to the end. And Shimana did just what I’ve been doing--working hard, waiting, trying to get her feelings across, treasure the moments she’d had with the house residents and Taiyou when she realized she loved him--all that and more. Can I be as strong as Shimana, who could get Taiyou to acknowledge his feelings for her even when he didn’t understand his own feelings at first because of his lack of interest in relationships? I wish I didn’t feel so down because that girl kept up her spirits and didn’t give up on her love. Shoujo manga protagonists are role models to me, even if it’s all fictional--because it gives me hope that I’ll find happiness in that same way, even with all the bumps in the road along the way.

I just wonder what I can do at this point...?

I don’t want to give up. And it’s not because I’ll feel like the last three years of my life have been wasted or something--oh no, I treasure everything that’s happened--but this whole thing is so new to me. Everything before happened so easily and quickly, something I was used to. I’ve had people tell me my efforts wouldn’t be worth all the pain I’ve gone through, but I feel pretty damn accomplished, even if I complain now that I’m going through a rough patch right now for various reasons (such as my school situation). And probably it’s due to my stubbornness and that I value the positive emotions I’ve gotten out of everything, that I want to let that person know that despite how much I complain, worry, get stressed, frustrated, angry, that I’ve been on the verge of giving up so many times, cry, lost sleep, got scared, didn’t know what to say, and didn’t know what to do, I feel like everything’s totally gonna be worth it in the end because I’ve received some form of happiness for all the bad that’s happened, just even with a few words or gestures that mean a whole lot to me.

[ikitsumidaminito]

Jul's Lament (Manifestation of Jealousy) - I come home everyday to an empty house. The Ladeca's witnessed all the emotions: The loneliness, the longing, the jealousy, Because our paths are so divergent at this point, That I'm so scared I'm not there near you. And because sometimes, I remember that the colors of your clothes I've memorized so vividly were chosen by someone I can't ever hate, but I get frightened that they'll be chosen over me because of their more friendly self. And they scare me even though I love them too. Because I miss the teasing, I miss the time we could talk. Because I don't have the time to visit that other world everyone else spends their days in, Where I know I feel so insignificant but I visit anyways because that's how jealous I can get, That I'm going to lose you to someone else.

[ikitsumidaminito]

Tonight my parents, sister, her boyfriend, and I all had a looooong talk about relationships tonight. While the only thing I'll say is that she thinks he's too controlling and this guy does everything for her without being told (she's younger), Dad's talk about the progress of relationships was teaching me simultaneously: "Trust grows over time." "Jealousy is a normal part of relationships, but let it become overbearing and it'll ruin you." "Take it slow or you're going to be sorry." "Communicate. Don't be scared to talk." "You can't control every situation, especially not each other's." Oh man. If only Dad didn't think that everyone on the Internet is someone out to get you... (Some are, but I met my best friend and so many more via the Internet.) Literally everthing he said is something I've been told over and over by countless people who care, but my feelings get the better of me and I lose control and I bring on my own messes. I hear all this from my parents who've been married for 22 years and stuck through it all to raise two defiant children, one who is a 22-year old "kiwi bird" due to not having her own wings. (Me.) But Dad did say to the other two, they could take a page from me and take life slow. Get to know each other. "You think you know each other, but that also comes with time." In my situation, I know only the surface, I know only what I'm told if I ask. And that's over a two-year period. But I also have a best friend of four years and I know what kind of friggin' pancakes he likes and so much more. I have a long road ahead of me, but "communication isn't one-way."