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and pls lemme return the favor <3

A Conversation With Jeon Jungkook

So I hauled out my Super Secret Samsung Universe Idolphone for the first time yesterday (will post the unboxing video later) and y'all if Jeon Jungkook was not LISTED IN MY CONTACTS like HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN I HAVE NO IDEA. And I wasn't gonna try the number. I was not. Until this afternoon when my inbox was totally full and I NEEDED ANSWERS DAMMIT.

Me: Hey Koo hey it's me, WhySoJiminie. Sup? Koo: Sup bitch? Damn it's been a minute, how you been? Me: Good man, can't complain, can't complain. Listen though, my inbox. These kids man. You and I need to, like, TALK. Koo: Yeah? Hang on, I gotta post this Ruel song about pain. Think I should sing it or just post the lyrics? Me: GOD NO PLEASE STOP Koo: What? You don't love a good gutwrencher ballad? I thought you were "So Jimin"... like, Jimin loves Ruel. Lives for this shit. (yells out of range) Don't you babe? Muffled Jimin-sounding voice: Huh?

Me: Is that actually Jimin? Is he there right now? Koo: Jimin? Uh. Oh. Oh, hell no. Nope, haven't seen him since quarantine, we're not together, definitely not. And I was not feeling some type of way, like, at all while he was sick. I mean he's not 100% yet, I heard, but... anyway. Nope, totally not together, not us. Muffled voice: Totally not mmmmfff mm... hmm Me: The fuck. Who's with you then? Koo: Uh.. Bam. Bamie's here and he loves pain. I mean, he loves Ruel songs about pain. And other sad ballads. I don't. Like, you never hear me do a sad song ever. Falling? Didn't happen. Never Not? Don't know her. Only Then? Absolutely did not serenade my boyfriend with a song about breaking up. I literally only ever sing happy dancey shit. My Time was a total fluke, didn't write it, never met the bitch. Me: So... why all the instagram angsty songs, then, Jeon? Like my inbox is full of people who are hellbent on letting me know that they heard from a dude's bro's cousin that you and Jimin were never together anyway and are totally not even on speaking terms now. Koo: Uh...mm...hang on. (muffled breathing and giggles) Uh... right. Right. No actually what had happened was, me and Taehyung broke up over that trumpet holder in his living room. (laughter in background) Yep. Hybe managed to hide us behind me and Jimin for, like, years, but now me and Tae, we're history. Turns out he likes girls, like, what the fuck, how did I not know? I'm heartbroken. (more laughter)

Me: Look, Jungkook. I only called because your instagram nonsense has my inbox in a tizzy. These kids are convinced you've never been with your man or if you were with your man you're not with your man now and you're supposed to be thrilled and posting about your baby's all better. Get with the damn program, sir.

Koo: Hang on, Bam wants to say a thing. (hands off phone, muffled noises) Definitely not Bam: Hi, this is Bam. Daddy said to tell you that A, he is not fluent in English and does not analyze every single song he listens to, only songs he covers. So there's that. And 2, Jimin is on hiatus from social media except for Weverse because he is two things: gracious and private, and he appreciates his fans but he does not appreciate the treatment he gets from some of Daddy's fans, so he is over it. If there is ever anything else to report someone will, I don't know, issue a press release or post a selfie. Okay? Me: Um, okay, uh, BAM. If that's your real name. Still Not Bam: It is totally Bam, like Together Bam, B-A-M is my name (dog barks in background) That is also Not Bam, we invited Holly over. Yeah, Holly. Holly's a bass now. Me: I don't believe you. Where's Jungkook? Still Not Bam But Possibly Jimin: Look, let the man drink his soju and listen to ballads in peace okay. Here (hands phone over) Me: That was totally Jimin. Koo: Are you doubting my pet's superior intelligence and verbal ability now? Damn, you're harsh. Listen, I'm just gonna go, okay? Tell your inbox to pipe down. If Jimin, uh, Bam says he'll let you know when there's something to tell, he will. And, uh, I will. Maybe. Right now I have to go check out this cool new band I heard, Spinal Tap? They have this song about epic asses or something.

Me: Uh, Spinal Tap is, uh, I dunno how to tell you this... Koo: Okay it's been real bye! And then I got a dial tone. Or, I made up an entire conversation BECAUSE I DON'T LIVE IN JEON JUNGKOOK'S BRAIN. I am not psychic. So calm down or don't but don't look at me for answers because even if I, say, knew a guy who has seen the Jeon-Parks together since quarantine and says they are fine, I would not disclose that information because I do not have proof or receipts and it is not really my information to share. So I figure this conversation is about as good as any of us are gonna get without photos or a statement. Okay?? OKAY!!

Oh PS -- Also, just so you know, I have not forgotten COAC or Own It or anything else in my folders or inbox, but I've gotta not be around for a day or two possibly. I'm still doing the hospital thing once a week and that happens in the morning so it might be a second before I'm back. Or I'll get crazy and post shit all night and feel great tomorrow and you'll see me anyway, but if you don't, I'm not ignoring you and I'll be back. No worries, all is well. OKAY?? OKAY!!

#things that never happened #bam speaks #samsung universe idolphone #that goddamn instagram #jeon jungkook does what jeon jungkook wants goddammit #get off my dick anons really