The sun will always be there waiting after the rain 🤍
established relationship bangchan x reader
content: angst, crying, petnames (baby & babygirl), mentions of fear of being intimate, mentions of SA/abuse and just chan comforting reader because of it, fluff + happy ending ofc
WARNING: i repeat, this post contains mentions of reader going through SA so please please, if it’s a sentitive topic and you don’t wanna trigger it please don’t read
this might also be really badly written, but i just wanted to share in hopes it brings comfort for someone who might’ve been through something like this 
promt: reader wants to be intimate with chan but at the same time she’s afraid of it bc she’s been SAed in the past and she finally tells chan about it
there’ve been several times where you and chan have had heated make out sessions, but never has he attempted to touch you anywhere else bellow your waist (and you’re very grateful for that). you guys have never actually talked about this topic. you’ve been going out for a few months and it’s starting to become something you need to discuss, yet you’re terrified of what he would say. you’re terrified he would think you’re broken. that if he knew, he wouldn’t want you that way anymore.
you actually don’t even know if he wants you in that way. yes, you are grateful that he hasn’t made a move passed those make out sessions, but to be honest you couldn’t help but think if that was because he was just being the gentleman he is, or him just not being interested in doing anything else beyond that. cause to be true you DID want sex with him. you desperately want to have the sex life everyone else has cause, i mean your boyfriend is HOT, in fact he’s one of the hottest people you’ve met and he makes you so horny it’s ridiculous. yet you were stick, you were so stuck, cause even if you want him you feel like you couldn’t have him. cause why would he want to be stuck in this messed up situation? when he could have someone that isn’t as broken as you, someone who isn’t broken at all actually. guess you kinda have to talk to him know, cause the more time passes the more it gets in your head, the more time passes the more you actually love him, and if this conversation ends badly… the harder it would be to let go if he decided he didn’t want you anymore.
you were on your friday schedule movie nights, this time taking place in your apartment. you both were now curled up in your sofa under the warmth of your blanket after just having dinner and catching up of what each of you did during the day. after a while you guys turned on a movie on the tv and got comfortable there. the movie was a rom-com so it naturally made you guys be a little clingy towards each other, and just when you were starting to feel at ease in chan’s body warmth it was like your head knew it was overthinking time. why? just why? you thought why does your head does this to you out of nowhere?
without even noticing your body got stiff as you were laying over chan’s chest, he of course noticed so he started rubbing your arm up and down maybe thinking you were cold, but that caused you to slightly flinch and grow yourself small. fuck…
“hey” he said as he slowly pulled you closer to him and looked down at you “you ok, baby?” you could sense confusion and concern in his voice and it made you feel so guilty.
“yeah, i’m ok” you respond as you try to sound as neutral as possible, but still laying very stiff over chan’s body, trying to keep focus on the movie to attempt to ignore all the thoughts in your head.
“you sure baby? you seem really tense…” you didn’t even answer him, there’s was a lot going on in your head, it was like you were dissociating from reality, movie long gone in your head and going back to those times, reliving those moments where you felt the most vulnerable, where you felt small, helpless, disgusting. used…
since your lack of response, he asked “are you cold? is this position uncomfortable?” hearing his voice again made you break your train of thoughts and go back to reality and your current situation. he tried to reach your hand but since now you were aware you avoided it and broke free from his chest, yet you tried to do it as gentle as possible cause you really didn’t wasn’t to hurt his feelings by pulling away from his touch, but you had to be honest. the last thing you want when your head goes those places is to be touch, any kind of touch.
you want to tell him, you want to just get it over with but, how do you even start that conversation? you guys weren’t even doing anything close to sexual, yet you still got all panicked out.
“i-….” you don’t even know what to say, how the hell do you explain yourself?
“is there something wrong, baby? you know you can tell me anything” there was still concern in his voice but now there was care as well.
“i- … c- can i ask you a question?” you felt your heart pounding in your throat
“yes, baby of course” he wanted to hold your hand in hopes to make you feel more at ease, but he got the hint that you didn’t want him to touch you right now.
you took a deep breath preparing to start the conversation you’ve been prolonging. “ha- have you ever…” you stopped mid sentence but he knew better than to rush you so he just waited in silence for you to talk “have you ever wanted.. or… have you ever thought of… going further… than like.. making out?” you said, eyes fixed on the floor. you hate to be the one to bring out the topic for the first time. would he think it’s to soon? would he think you’re desperate?
“i mean…” he started getting nervous at the sudden topic and started giggling to try to hide it and ease the tension “to answer your question yes i have… but if you’re wondering why i’ve never made a move, well… i just wanted to be sure we were on the same page, and i didn’t want to make you uncomfortable if you didn’t want to go there yet”
“oh” it’s all you managed to say. of course chan wasn’t like them, like those people who once took advantage of you, but you still didn’t expect him to be this considered and sweet, he was being so respectful towards you without even knowing your situation, and still you accused him secretly of not wanting you. you felt so stupid for thinking like this and guilty of having this issues while being with someone as sweet as chan.
“why are you asking, baby?” he said in a loving and curious tone. but he somewhat felt that you brought up the conversation for something more serious other than to just ‘be on the same page’ so he started panicking “wait, did i make you feel uncomfortable? i promise i never meant to push you, i’m so sorry if you felt like-“
“wait, no!” you cut him off to his rambling “no, channie. you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong” that made him release a breath he was holding but still he needed to know what was getting you like this.
“then whats wrong, babygirl? i kinda get the feeling you didn’t brought this up just to have ‘the talk’. you know you can tell me anything, right? is there something bothering you?” you still felt like your heart was gonna come out of your throat, but seeing him being so considerate made you get the courage left to just get it over with.
“chan… im about to tell you something that i probably should’ve told you a while ago and i’m so sorry i didn’t do it before. but i i’m gonna ask you to please just don’t say anything until i’m done cause this is already so hard for me. and if at the end you wanna end things then it’s totally okay, no hard feelings, i’ll accept if you don’t want to deal with it cause you totally don’t have to, you’re to good for it and-“
“hey, hey” he says so softly almost in a whispering tone. cutting you off, trying to catch on everything you just said and wanting to calm you down “y/n you’re okay. it’s okay. just take a deep breath with me, yeah?…” he inhales deep hoping you mimic his actions and you do “…and out” and you both exhale. “in again, baby” you do inhale a second time “and out again…” he sighs in relief seeing you more relaxed, as best as you can be right now “that’s more like it, baby” he says as he smiles at you with those beautiful dimples.
he takes a shot and offers you his hand, opening it in front of you and he’s happy to see that you do take it in yours, so he squeezes it slightly to help you ground yourself. “whatever you have to say, it’s okay. i promise i’ll listen till the end, but i promise you i’m not going anywhere, okay?”
“don’t promise…” you say, in a sad tone now, but trying to be realistic and understandable of him “i just want to let you know that you don’t have to deal with it if you don’t want to” you try and keep a steady voice to not cause him any pity but at the end your voice ends up breaking.
“baby…” his heart breaking at the sound of your voice. but he decides not to argue with it “can you go ahead and tell me…?”
you take another deep breath, trying to gather up the courage till you finally speak. “i- i guess. we- we never really talked in depth about my ex… not that we had to but, some things happened and… and i don’t really wanna get into detail but, we were together for a few years but overall, throughout the relationship, he was- he was very manipulative, and toxic, and… abusive… sexually.” you let out a shaky breath before you continue “took me months after we broke up to finally realize that he abused me and… i just wanted to ‘warn’ you i guess, cause… that’s like my only experience sexually speaking, and i haven’t been with anyone after that.” you take a small pause as you stare at the floor unable to look at his face “it happened years ago but… i still get flashbacks some times. and, baby, i’m so thankful that you’ve never pushed me into anything, you’ve done nothing wrong, i haven’t felt pressured at all.” you confess as you lift your face to now look at him in the eyes while you squeez his hand “and i’m not gonna lie… i do want you that way. i’ve been wanting to go further for a while whenever we make out i’m- i’m just afraid that… i guess.. i guess i’m nervous to be intimate again. i don’t want to be doing something and have a flashback in the middle and end up ruining it for me and you too…”
you both stay silent for a moment, letting it sink in before chan speaks up “babygirl…” he starts as he reaches with his other hand to reach yours, so now he holds you with both “babygirl, you are so strong. you’re so damn strong and i’m so fucking mad you had to go through that… cause baby, you are the sweetest, most loving and kind person i’ve met. i can’t imagine someone being so fucked up in it’s brain to do that to you, to hurt you like that” you can see he’s starting to get emotional by how his voice was beginning to shake “my baby, thank you for trusting me to tell me something like this… i just hope you know that it’s not your fault at all, you didn’t have to go through that, baby. and i would never ever do something you don’t want me to, i will never rush you into anything, i’ll never persuade you into anything. but i want you to know that we don’t have to jump into anything you’re not ready for, or that you feel uncomfortable”
you didn’t notice but tears where already rolling down your cheeks. they were inevitable. his words were literally everything you’ve been wanting to hear for years. to be validated. to be seen. to not be the one to blame, cause oh how many times you have blamed yourself.
“babygirl, please don’t cry…” he says as he caresses your knuckles with his both hands. “can i hold you?”
and you nod, because this time you do want his touch. you let down your walls, and you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with him, to trust him in your most intimate self.
he softly lets go of your hand and lifts his arms open wide for you to settle yourself in between them. you gently close your distance with him and you wrap yourself around his torso for you to cry harder against his chest.
you stay like that for a few seconds, with him holding you close, one hand resting on the back of your head, the second one rubbing up and down your back “thank you” you manage to say in between sniffles and hiccups.
“baby…” he starts
“no, chris” you stop him pulling away from his chest, whipping your tears and looking at him “really… thank you. i thought you were gonna want to leave, but you said just the right words”
“baby, don’t thank me for doing the bare minimum” he says as he lifts his hand to put a strand of hair behind your ear “i told you, this was not your fault. there’s no reason for me to leave. i love you so much baby. all i wanna do is make you feel loved, and safe. ever.”
“i love you, chan” you respond after a few more sniffles, feeling more calmed now “but… i…”
“you what, babygirl?” he encourages you.
“i… want to be intimate with you…” you confess a bit embarrassed
“mhm you do, babygirl? you sure?” and you nod slowly with a hint of shyness “i want to try…”
he takes your hand and caresses it again “i want to too, baby. but i don’t wanna rush you. not before and not now that you’ve told me this” he states and you can’t help but think that you won the lottery with this man “how about we take it one step at a time? we don’t go all the way in right away, but we take it one step further each time. how does that sound, baby?”
you nod at him giving him a soft smile “that sounds really nice, baby”
“i’ll just have to ask you something, babygirl” he says and you nod in confusion “communication is key. so you’re gonna have to tell me at all times how fare we go, what pace we go, when we start, when we stop, when we continue and most importantly, your boundaries, baby. i’ll never proceed without your verbal consent, okay?”
you let out a shaky breath, almost as a relieved sigh. not that you were expecting anything bad for him, but still relieved to hear those words coming out of him. you nod again “i love the sound of that” you confess, as you nod again, your smile, growing wider.
“i’m so glad to see that smile back, baby” he says as he brigs his hand to caress your cheek with his thumb in the softest way possible while he smiles too.
you lean in his touch while looking up at him, your sight flicking between his eyes and his lips “i love you, chris”
“i love you too, babygirl” he noticed your eyes flicking but he doesn’t make a move, he just stares at you the same way. his hand not leaving your soft face.
but you lean in closer, you lean in making a small pause when your lips are slightly touching, you rest your forehead against him before finally closing the distance between your two sets of lips. and this time feels different, you don’t quite know if it’s a new type of intimacy, if it’s a deeper love, or if it’s desire. but you know that you’ve finally found your sun, you’re finally where you needed to be.
💌: this has been sitting incomplete in my drafts for like a year and a half. i never intended to published it, it was honestly just my way of releasing my thoughts and finding comfort but it’s only now that it felt right to finish it and even tho it’s incredibly scary, i did decided to share.
to the writers with SA comfort in their stories, just wanted to say thank you for giving me the courage to actually do this. this feels so personal and scary to put out there but i feel like i healed a bit more <3. and to readers who have suffered from SA/abuse, just know that it’s NEVER your fault, don’t blame yourself for what other people did to you, you’re not alone. if someone needs a safe space to talk, my dms are always open <33
english’s not my first language i apologize any mistakes!
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