Making Amends
Pairing: Husband Bangchan x Wife female reader
Genre: angst
Word count: 2.5k
Warning(s): None
Prologue: You and Chan had dated for some time before deciding it was a good time to marry. You both had children soon after marriage; Aris, your daughter, is 5 years old, and Eli, your son, is 3 years old. You both had a wonderful marriage. Compromises were always made to work around everyone’s schedule, but you were sure to make sure everything was always in order around your home. Sometimes, those compromises were you being too forgiving at times. It was hard, but it could be worse. Chan was always helpful, but there were also times where he overworked and forgot to worry about his responsibilities at home. Those were times that got dark and hard for you.
There were so many blessings in your life: your two children, Aris and Eli, your husband, Chan, and so many more people you’ve gotten to know over the years. Sometimes, life would get in the way, but it was so hard to try and smile through it all. You understood that Chan was busy producing and leading the group, but you also knew that there could’ve been ways around both of your schedules to make time for each other. If you could do it, Chan should be willing to compromise too. You felt like you were giving too much time to everyone else but yourself. It was getting harder and harder every day. Chan kept coming home late and was overworking himself, but you loved him too much to bother to ask for any help. The children were still so young, and you wanted nothing but to watch them grow up. It was too much now. You were overthinking, weren’t you?
After finishing the dishes, showering the children, and tucking them into their beds, you finally were able to sit on your bed before ending the night by closing your eyes. You couldn’t close your eyes. You didn’t know what tomorrow held. Chan still wasn’t home either. All of the thoughts in your head brought you to tears. You hadn’t cried like this before. You were broken, burnt out, and exhausted. Being a loving mother, doting wife, and friends to others was too much now. You could only keep crying into your hands. It felt like it was nonstop. You weren’t you anymore; you’d changed. Wanting to avoid getting puffy eyes in the morning, you decided to get up and clean your eyes before going to bed. As you looked up, you saw a figure that made you jump from shock. It was Chan. Trying to wipe your tears away before he could see them, you smiled at him saying, “hi babe, you’re home early.” He didn’t say anything. He just stared at you. He knew you were hurting. You always did that. You hid your pain regardless of how much it hurt you to keep it altogether. To avoid the worried stare he had in his eyes, you got up to go to the bathroom. Hurrying past him, you hoped that he wouldn’t say anything about your crying. Chan knew how to read the room. He knew that you didn’t like to talk about anything until you were ready. “Babe…why were you crying?” he asked quietly. Darn it! He asked! Shit! Shit! Shit! What do you say? Turning around, you saw that Chan was still staring at the bed. Before more tears could form, you assured, “I was just watching a really good movie. It touched my heart, so I’m just relaxing from it.” “You don’t cry like that over movies, Y/N…” “Well this just reminded me of a lot of sad stories I’d heard about,” you were doing anything to lie to avoid a scolding from Chan about you not opening up to him about your problems. “Y/N-” “I’m telling the truth, Chan, it’s not that serious-“ was all you could muster before he turned around and stared at you. That stare was like nothing you’ve ever seen before. He was so tired, yet so worried about you as well. His eyebags were dark and bigger than the night before. You just hoped that he would let it slide. You went silent. When Chan looked at you like this, you were unable to lie and say that you were okay. He knew you, inside and out. You were both inseparable-soulmates as some would say. The red string that ties your souls together was being pulled from you both and drawing you far away from each other. “Don’t lie to me, Y/N. You know I don’t like it when you lie. We said we would be open and honest from the day we’ve been together until now. There’s nothing that we should be keeping from each other.” “Chan, I…” Should you keep lying until you get out of this rut? You were able to fool Chan for awhile sometimes, but this time it wasn’t going to work. “I’ve just been stressed…” “Stressed about what?” he asked as he slowly approached you. “About everything, honestly. There’s so much that I need to take care of, and the kids are still growing up, and I’m trying to make dinner every night, I’m trying to sleep every night, I’m trying to make sure you’re doing okay, I’m trying to make sure all of my duties at work are complete before the day ends, it all just keeps going around and around, Chan. It’s never going to stop. And… it feels like you’re not here to help me, Chan. I feel so alone, and I’m trying to make sure everyone’s doing okay while I’m not okay…” Chan was always a good listener; whatever problems you had, he was there to offer knowledgeable advice. He was silent this time around. You looked up at him staring straight down at you. “So, you’re saying you’re mad at me?” “Wait, no. Chan, I’m not-I mean-I am, just a little bit, but-” “Why didn’t you just say it then? You know that you could’ve just told me. I’m always here to listen to whatever problems you have, babe.” “Well… you’ve been so busy producing that I didn’t want to bother you at all. I wanted to make sure you weren’t stressed for whatever project you have going on at work.” “But we said-” “Yes, Chan. I know what we promised each other when we got married, but sometimes it’s not enough for-” “So you think I’m not doing enough?” “What? No. Chan, I didn’t mean it like that.” “You could’ve just said it to me if you wanted me to do more, Y/N. You know that I love you and I want what’s best for our family. Why do you-” “How am I supposed to tell you when you’re always busy, Chan?!” There it was… your limiting point. You hated it when people asked you why you didn’t say anything in the beginning. You were too considerate for your own good. “How am I supposed to talk to a husband who’s never home?! My husband isn’t home to help me cook dinner, bathe the children, and can’t even get home to eat least enjoy dinner with me?!” “Oh, so you ARE mad at me. Well, if you said anything to me, I would’ve-” “Stop saying that! Stop saying that if I said something you would’ve done something, Chan! You know that I’m busy, yet you leave me home with the children to care for, and I do everything for this house! If you truly cared, you would’ve SEEN that I was exhausted from doing this all on my own!” “Well, I’ve just been-” “Sometimes, it doesn’t even feel like I’m a married woman, Chan! These women out here have husbands who worry about them, who take care of them, who do everything they can to make a house function, but you just worry about work! Do you even care about us?! Your wife who works AND cleans your house?! Your children who barely get to see you as they’re growing up?!” You weren’t thinking clearly. You were angry. You were angry at life, the world, and especially Chan at this moment. You didn’t think those words would come out of your mouth, though. You never meant to say hurtful things to each other, but stressful times would sometimes get the best of you both. Chan scoffed at your response and walked backwards toward to closet. “Well, I’m sorry that you feel like a single mother, Y/N. Sorry that I can’t be the perfect husband for you or be the perfect father for our children.” “Chan…I didn’t mean that. I-” “We’ll just leave it at that,” Chan said as he grabbed his suitcase and jacket, leaving the bedroom. You knew where he was going… back to the studio to produce more. You were frustrated as hell, but you had work in the morning and were already tired from the day, so you decided it was time to call it day and slid into the covers to sleep.
Over the next few days, you and Chan barely spoke to each other. You didn’t want to speak to an angry Chan, and hurting him with your words was enough. However, the kids were able to sense the tension between you and Chan. They knew that on normal days, mommy and daddy would wake them up, and everybody would get ready together. On normal days, mommy and daddy would cook dinner together with daddy back hugging and kissing mommy until mommy had to kick him out from being too annoying. When cleaning after dinner, mommy and daddy would have a dance session in the kitchen. On normal days, daddy would put on a show for them, and have them all tackle and tickle mommy until mommy gave up laughing. On normal days, daddy would come home from work early, and daddy would share what daddy created in the studio. The past few days weren’t normal. Aris and Eli knew that. Even at a young age, they knew that mommy and daddy weren’t happy. On Saturday morning, Aris asked you, “Mommy… are you and daddy mad at each other?” Lost in your own train of thought, you snapped back into reality as your daughter tapped you for an answer. “Huh? What was that, honey?” “I saidddd are you and daddy mad at each other???” What were you supposed to tell your kids? That you and Chan had an argument? Hell no. “No, baby. We’re fine. Don’t worry about it, okay? You need to eat your breakfast before you go to uncle Binnie’s, okay?” Eyeing Eli suspiciously, she goes back to eating her breakfast. Trying to hide the tears brimming in your eyes, you smiled at the kids before going back to eating your own breakfast. Today was a Saturday, and you didn’t feel prepared to work at all. You had been hauling your ass around at work for the past few weeks preparing for a project you had to present today. They’d pushed dates around, causing you an even bigger headache, and making you have to change plans last minute. The kids were dropped off at Changbin and his s/o’s house. They’d volunteered to take care of the kids since you and Chan were both working.
After work, you were on your way to Changbin’s house. Outside his house, you saw Chan’s car parked in front of his house. You texted Chan that the kids were going to be at Changbin’s house, but he never replied. You were surprised he didn’t inform you if he was going to pick them up or not either. Inhaling deeply, you got out of your car and walked towards the front door. Ringing the doorbell, you heard little bits of laughter and shrieking coming from inside. The kids always loved their uncle Binnie; he never failed to entertain them. Chan was the one who came to open the door. You stood by the front door, instructing the kids that their fun time with uncle Binnie was over. Bummed out, they said bye to their uncle and auntie Binnie.
After tucking the children into bed together, Chan approached you. “Why do the kids know that we’re not happy right now?” “What do you mean? I don’t understand.” “The kids told Changbin that we were arguing and were mad at each other,” he explained. You stood speechless. You knew children would say random things, but you didn’t think your daughter could pick up so easily on small clues. “Don’t act so innocent, Y/N. I know you’re always gossiping on the phone with your girlfriends about how unhappy you are in our marriage.” Those words stung. They hurt even worse than if someone were to take a knife and penetrate your heart with it. “How would I know, Chan?! Maybe it’s because they don’t see their father! Maybe it’s because they know that none of us are happy in this damn house!” “Don’t play the victim. I know that it’s because of your big mouth that our children have to hear about this!” There he was… attacking you again-for something that was entirely out of your control. “MY BIG MOUTH?! I HAVEN’T EVEN SPOKEN TO MY FRIENDS FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS BECAUSE I’VE BEEN SO BUSY! IF YOU ACTUALLY KNEW MY DAY TO DAY SCHEDULE, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT OUR CHILDREN AREN’T DUMB, CHAN! YOU WOULD KNOW THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE GROWING UP WITHOUT YOU!” He was angry-trying to stay calm, but the silence was from anger, not from understanding nor from love. Where did your marriage go wrong? Where did you both turn into hate-filled lovers, who can’t even speak to each other without raising your voices? You didn’t know, and you didn’t care. You had been patient enough. You were silent for too long. It wasn’t going to change anything. There was so much that you wanted to say, but you knew Chan wasn’t going to do anything either. His compromises were the bare minimum. To hide the tears that were falling down your face, you turned your back towards Chan, and walked out the door. It was hard enough that you felt like a single mother. Before leaving the room, you admitted to Chan, “You know what, maybe I am unhappy in this marriage. I do feel like a single mother taking care of my own children…Maybe it’s time we find new things to do rather than stay in this worthless relationship, Chan.”
Your marriage was failing. Not was… is. Your marriage was something you’d wanted to be so proud of since you were a little girl. You imagined yourself being the caring, doting mother and wife, and being the one everyone else was envious of. It was the total opposite now. Everyone pitied you because you had a husband who didn’t care for you, probably hated you as well. There were so many things going on inside your head, you couldn’t think clearly anymore. At work, you couldn’t focus. The words you’d said to Chan-that you knew pierced his heart as well. You felt so guilty. Was your marriage going to end in divorce? Was it going to be the relationship you promised to never have? Either way, it was going to be one hell of a struggle trying to please everyone’s schedules.
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Author’s Note: Hi, I’m just barely starting out this series. I’m not sure how many parts I’m gonna write, but hopefully you guys liked it! :) Give me some critical feedback or advice on my writing if you want too! I want to continuously write better!
Tag list: @crispbang
