I really need to respect my boundaries. I'm a mess. I keep justifying how I did manage to respect my boundaries, but I realise that I didn't do enough for myself. I was waiting for 2 hours (because I finally put a cap on it) for a meetup, not minding the potential hassle of a 10-km commute back home, only to be told that the meetup would have to be cut short. I tried to be kind, but I should've been kinder to myself. I kept bringing up the raincheck in the context of an agreement, but I should have brought it up for myself, not minding how the person i was to meet would respond. I suppose it was my intuition warning me of setting myself up for disappointment.
I don't mind going great lengths for my people, I really don't. I'm crying as I type this, because I remember how he called last night as I was in my ride home, to tell me how he felt bad about making me wait and waste my time. I held back tears as he apologised. Looking back, I wasn't speaking much during our time in the café... He kept asking me if anything's the matter, if anything's wrong, but I couldn't really tell him, couldn't look at him much, because I couldn't put a finger on it at that time.
You know what it seemed like? I remembered how my nephew rushed cooking beef Stroganoff because he already defrosted the meat and he had to go out for something. The result? Meat so tough you needed kitchen shears to manage them. It wasn't an enjoyable meal so it had to be salvaged by boiling the meat again. The meetup wasn't exactly a planned one but I wish I didn't feel taken for granted.
I'm always one to think of the other person, and me waiting for two hours was definitely me being considerate. If I knew beforehand what I was waiting for then perhaps he and I didn't have to go through such disappointment. I suppose I didn't know what I was waiting for because there wasn't really a plan. I was initially waiting for an hour-long meeting to end so he and i could "meet up", then probably discuss where to eat and spend the rest of the time, but his meeting dragged on, and when we did meet (he arrived 10 minutes later than the time cap i imposed) he had to tell me first of all that he couldn't stay long and would need to rush back. The convo was flat, he was (is) courteous, but he and I felt that something was off.
I don't want to feel like shit, but here I am feeling shitty. Perhaps this is what I get for always containing my emotions. This is what happens when I try to put a semblance of control over things. My feelings explode and go all over the place and I'm a big mess. Maybe I'll feel better later. Of course, I will. I've let it all out now.
Note to self: Think of yourself and your boundaries. Express yourself, respect yourself.