After a decade+ of being locked out of my first tumblr, I'm finally able to claim the name back due to it going inactive for so long. I can't fully put into words how that feels either.
I started tumblr with the handle barbozaoftime at 13 and then around maybe 20, I got logged out and my account was under an old AOL name that I literally had no access to. So then I went onto making a new one with the handle ssjgohan (also btw; of course because I was a depressed teen who loved anime, I ran DBZ blog under instanttransmission). But it didn't feel the same. Like being under a different name online felt so off. It didn't feel like "me". Even from a young age, i've always had a strong sense of awareness. And this part may sound crazy as shit but tumblr was my escape during times I wasn't if i'd be around for tomorrow. Met people on here who I became friends with, and we still mutually root for each other. It was the only place where I felt I could be myself with no restrictions, and I miss that feeling.
The internet now fucking blows, I tell you wyahwat.
Anyway.
Now i'm 30, one week shy of 31, and i've gaining some old (and new) pieces of myself since I stopped taking an antidepressant nearly two years ago (well just about two years exactly). When I was on them, they were amazing at first. For about two years, I was just "on". All the time. But it was a lot, though it wasn't bad either. It was just different. It gave me the chance to shut off the emotions in order to listen to my thoughts, without any sort of internal conflict of interest. It felt freeing, truly. Like i've always known how to "shut down"; the medication made it to where I didn't realize the void had become silenced without trying.
Then some things started to happen, and the medication started to numb everything about me. My thoughts, my emotions, my ability to be "on" no matter the reason. Picture someone curled up in a ball. Sitting in a slouch, facing towards a cornered wall in a pitch black room. The only light being a dimly lit lamp behind their back. No one's speaking, but a distanced yell can be heard. That's how I would see myself. I was dealing with new experiences but I wasn't able to really connect with it because of my antidepressants. I wanted to stop taking them, so I got with my DR and worked on weaning me off of them. Because of how shitty the withdrawals and come down was for me, I don't see myself taking another one again ever. It's completely a personal choice. I wished I hadn't gotten on them, I believe getting off them contributed to a huge factor of why my depression became manic - which I hadn't gone through in a very long time. It was terrible.
But recently, i've been putting a lot of thought into how the first year in this new decade has been for me and honestly? It was nothing I thought it'd be, but it taught me a lot about myself. My past, my present, and what type of future I want to see. It feels good to be in a place where I genuinely believe is where I belong now.
The point of living shouldn't be viewed as making it to one big goal, it's about meeting many. So that's what i'm gonna get back to doing.
Making many goals, and meeting them.
I"m just really, really, in a weird sensation of humbleness. But I think that's the point of being where i'm at in life.
