PHOENIX, AZ — In what’s being described as “the greatest threat to baseball traditions since the designated hitter,” a group of Major League Baseball pitchers filed a class-action lawsuit Tuesday against MLB, claiming the new pitch clock regulations violate their fundamental right to adjust their caps an appropriate number of times between throws. The lawsuit, spearheaded by Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Kevin “The Adjuster” Thompson, argues that the 15-second pitch clock has created “unprecedented psychological distress” among players who’ve spent years perfecting their between-pitch routines. “I haven’t thrown a single pitch in three games,” said Thompson, adjusting his cap four times […]
PHOENIX, AZ — In what's being described as "the greatest threat to baseball traditions since the designated hitter," a group of Major League Baseball pitchers filed a class-action lawsuit Tuesday against MLB, claiming the new pitch clock regulations violate their fundamental right to adjust their caps an appropriate number of times between throws. The lawsuit, spearheaded by Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Kevin "The Adjuster" Thompson, argues that the 15-second pitch clock has created "unprecedented psychological distress" among players who've spent years perfecting their between-pitch routines. "I haven't thrown a single pitch in three games," said Thompson, adjusting his cap four times mid-sentence. "How can they expect us to perform at elite levels when we're forced to rush through our sacred pre-pitch rituals? Studies show that exactly 47 cap adjustments are required for optimal performance. I'm not a machine – I can't just adjust my cap every 0.31 seconds." The complaint has garnered support from the newly formed advocacy group Cap Adjusters Anonymous (CAA), which reports a surge in emergency hotline calls from distressed pitchers nationwide. Dr. Miranda Chen, the group's leading sports psychologist, describes a concerning trend of "adjustment withdrawal symptoms" among affected players. "We're seeing pitchers practicing speed-adjusting techniques in parking lots after games," Chen explained while fidgeting with an imaginary brim. "One client developed severe carpal tunnel syndrome attempting to compress 47 adjustments into the regulated time frame. It's heartbreaking." The economic impact has already sent shockwaves through the baseball industry. New Era, the official cap manufacturer of MLB, reported a 40% decrease in sales due to reduced wear and tear on caps. In response, a thriving black market for pre-adjusted caps has emerged, with some authenticated game-worn caps selling for upwards of $50,000. In a controversial move, former Cleveland reliever Mark "The Twitcher" Rodriguez has hired a former NASCAR pit crew to optimize his cap-adjusting efficiency. "These guys can change four tires in 12 seconds," Rodriguez explained while repeatedly touching his cap. "If anyone can help me achieve my target adjustments within the time limit, it's them." The MLB Commissioner's office responded with a brief statement: "We understand the concerns raised by our pitchers and are actively exploring technological solutions, including prototype automated cap-adjusting mechanisms for the 2025 season." Dr. Herbert Wentworth, director of the International Institute of Haberdashery Athletics, suggests the crisis could have been avoided. "Our research clearly shows that rushing cap adjustments by even 0.3 seconds can lead to devastating consequences, including slightly crooked brims and, in extreme cases, temporary hat hair." Some players have proposed implementing a "Cap Adjustment Time Out" (CATO) system, allowing pitchers three designated periods per game for unlimited cap adjustments. However, critics argue this could extend game times by up to six hours. Baseball historian Dorothy Fleming draws parallels to the often-forgotten 1894 "Great Mustache Wax Shortage" that nearly derailed the sport. "Baseball has always faced challenges to its sacred traditions," Fleming noted, pausing to adjust her own cap. "But never before has the very fabric of our headwear-adjusting heritage been so threatened." The Save Our Adjustments campaign, launched in support of the lawsuit, encourages fans to practice cap adjustments at home in solidarity with affected pitchers. The organization's website offers tutorial videos on proper adjustment techniques and a petition demanding MLB recognize cap adjusting as an essential human right. As the legal battle unfolds, Thompson remains steadfast in his position. "Some things are worth fighting for," he declared, taking several minutes to adjust his cap before continuing. "And if I have to adjust my way through every court in this land to protect our rights, then by God, that's what I'll do."
At press time, Thompson was still adjusting his cap and had not yet completed his statement.