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i hate that we have such a low split tolerance, we end up splitting multiple alters just to deal with the chronic stress we go through and i cant deal with it...we have 200+ alters and most of them dont even front or even do anything
i remember that when i was really young i was taught about the rapture but they said people who arent awake for the rapture were going to hell and so i stayed up for days on end so i didnt go to hell and i mean days i probably got maybe an hour if that of sleep every night for a few weeks maybe even months. now when theres a new rapture prediction i cant sleep.
anyways im not doing good, people keep denying that the cult i was in was a cult because its for children. no normal bible learning group has their own flag, pledge, song and march that youre forced to learn or youre told youre going to hell btw i was fucking 7
i feel like my trauma wasnt bad enough, people have been through trafficking, even worse cults but what did i go through? a bible study for kids but then how do i have all the signs of something much worse, i hear of that group and i dissociate to hell and back, our traumaholder switches in and suddenly its a week later and they tell me to not look outside. all my memories are fuzzy like theyre underwater. i remember some things but thats not enough...that was just discipline...or was it? was there a reason fkr all of it? how bad of a kid did i have to be for that punishment? i dont know and i dont think i ever will...
ik this blog is mainly about ramcoa and religious trauma but its mine so imma complain under the cut
so for context i had a partner but i lost all forms of contact with them and had no way to reach out or even see if they were alive but then i see an account that i know is them for sure and it turns out they moved on already while i was a mess and couldnt hear their name at all or else i would sob and think about how much i missed them and how i couldnt see myself loving anybody else and how much i loved them...but now i keep trying to tell myself im over them but im not...i planned my whole future around my love for them and how i wanted to move in together one day and grow old together and lobe them for eternity...but they moved on a couple months after what to me was the most painful breakup ever...at that time i was still a wreck and depressed more than ever...and it didnt help that in the span of 4 months before that happened i lost so much that i honestly dont wanna get into...but seeing that they moved on so fast makes me so pissed off at myself and them...i still love them but in a different way...before it was the way of singing love songs and blushing non stop and wanting to kiss in fields of sunflowers...now it feels so dull...like if i got the chance to talk to them again...idk if i even would...ive spent almost a year crying and trying to get over them and it wasnt easy...everytime i see sunflowers i cant help but think about them...but i just love them in the past...not loved...just love in the past...i love all the small things about them like their brown eyes that mesmerized me tim and time again...their cute button nose i just want to kiss...their smile that could light up the world in a black out...i love them...but only in the past...but also...a second ago is the past...and then i wrote all the stuff thats the past...love never dies...it just breaks down like old buildings turning to rubble...even 100 years from now you will be able to tell there was a building there...1000 years will pass and there will still be rubble there just covered by foliage...love never dies...it just gets harder to see
this isnt really the kind of stuff i post here usually, but i think i have some personality disorder and its making me feel like im such a shitty person while researching it...i have all these intrusive thoughts about hurting others but i really couldnt hurt anyone ever...and yeah i do manipulate people to get what i want but its not as bad as it seems...idfk
the place that traumatized me is right across the street from where i live...and a cant move...i dont want to move...i just want that place gone...theyve tormented me and my family and all those others for too long...i just want them gone...i want to take a wrecking ball to that place and make it what i thought it was back then
sometimes i feel so alone, like my trauma wasnt enough even though i was commonly threatened with punishment if i didnt do as the adults said, they tried to rope us into being scared of everything, that if we did something wrong that god would kill us all...told us if we didnt bring more people in to the program god would be dissapointed in us, they targeted vulnerable children...and half of them i havent seen since i left...i left and then more of the other kids started to get hurt...
